sex

The G-spot

For many women, the G-spot or ability to achieve a vaginal orgasm is elusive. How elusive? Well, it's estimated that 75% of women cannot orgasm from vaginal intercourse without the use of toys, oral stimulation or manual stimulation. For others, the G-spot is a sexual Narnia of sorts through which much pleasure is obtained.

There's debate within the medical community regarding whether the G-spot is a cluster of nerves in the upper portion of the pussy or if it's actually part of the clitoris. A 1998 medical report found that the clitoris has legs that wrap around the urethra and the vagina and can be up to 3.5 inches long. To learn more about the report and see the anatomical drawing of the clitoral legs, click here.

So, does the G-spot exist, or to paraphrase Public Enemy, should you not believe the hype?

I believe that the G-spot does exist, but from a personal perspective, it doesn't matter to me whether the area is a cluster of nerves that is separate from or related to the clitoris. I just enjoy the difference in orgasms that I achieve from external stimulation versus internal stimulation.

The best post that I've read about G-spots was written by Analena Valdes Graham. Analena is a nurse and sex educator, and she is one of the owners of Lotus Blooms (formerly Dascha Boutique), a unique and high-end sex boutique designed to empower, educate and inspire women and couples. Since Lotus Blooms is no longer blogging, Analena was kind enough to let me repost her very informative piece about G-spots. Enjoy!

So what exactly is this G-spot and how do you find it?

Applauds and credit are due to German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg who first hypothesized its existence in 1950. The G-Spot is located inside the vagina about two inches inside from the entrance. The G-spot is a network of blood vessels, nerve endings and soft tissue. When stimulated, it can greatly enhance your orgasm and increase the possibility of female ejaculation. Female ejaculation…WHAT?!? Yes, another fascinating phenomenon about this wonderful little spot is that when stimulated, some women will actually ejaculate (also known as squirting). That's right. Many women will ejaculate noticeable amounts of clear fluid during orgasm.

The key factor in finding your G-spot is becoming intimately acquainted with your body. To assist you with this, there are several things that you (with or without your partner) can do to try to stimulate your G-spot:

Although many women don't believe they have G-spot, the truth is that they just don't know how to find it or stimulate it properly. When done the right way, G-spot stimulation can be mind blowing. A "G-spot orgasm" is slightly different from one achieved purely through clitoral stimulation, and can be more intense. Now, the G-spot is a quarter-sized area of spongy tissue located directly behind the pubic bone. Because it rests up against the bladder, many women will have an initial sensation of having to urinate. This is why it is key to go to the bathroom before attempting to find it, so that you aren't confused.

Now, lay on your bed or find that comfy couch. Relax and slowly start to stimulate your clitoris, labia, and mons. To begin the G-spot voyage, you should be fully aroused. The more aroused you are, the larger and more sensitive the G-spot becomes making it easier to find. Once you are aroused, slowly insert one or two fingers into your vagina. Your fingertips should be facing toward your bellybutton, and inserted to the spot directly under the pubic bone. Now, slowly press up against the pubic bone (away from yourself) and start to feel for a spongy area with a ridged texture. If you feel the sensation of having to urinate, you've got it!! Ladies, power through that sensation and try different pressing, tapping, and rubbing motions to see what is most pleasurable for you. Continue to do this until you can't take it anymore and achieve that orgasm!

Because the G-spot is embedded in the muscle of the vaginal wall, you may not initially find your G-spot. It may take a little patience and effort on your part. I encourage you not to give up! The reward will be well worth the journey!!!

The Lelo Gigi, Iris or Mona are great G-spot vibrators. These pleasure objects are specifically designed to help stimulate the G-spot. There's a wide variety to choose from depending on your mood for exploration and creativity! These vibrators come in a variety of colors, materials and prices.

Your partner can help you experience G-spot orgasms and ejaculation by inserting his index and middle fingers into your vagina and firmly pressing and stroking the inside front wall. Also, during intercourse, try placing a pillow underneath your hips. This slight incline may make it easier for your partner to stimulate your G-spot with his penis.

What toys, positions, or methods have worked for you to help you achieve a vaginal orgasm?

Playing hooky

It was a cold and rainy Tuesday in late March. I was lounging on the couch in my Old Navy sweats when my phone vibrated. It was a text from Mr. Exec:

Morning. What are your plans for today?

Me: A whole lotta nothing!

Mr. Exec: That sounds nice. Up for some company?

Me: Sure :)!

Mr. Exec: I might need your help with an article for a newsletter for [an organization that had a similar mission to a nonprofit for which I used to work]. Would that be okay?

Me: Of course!

Mr. Exec arrived at my place a couple of hours later. He has his nickname for a reason so I was surprised that he barely looked at his Blackberry all day. He fully committed to playing hooky with me and being a sloth. I hadn't expected him to be able to decompress from his job the way he did, and it was nice to see.

Even though Mr. Exec hadn't even kissed me at the end of our first date or even come upstairs, it felt like he had been over my place many a time. I poured him a glass of Chardonnay. We relaxed on the couch, watching Sportscenter. He put his arm around me and made sure that my blanket covered my feet. I hadn't thought about what this embryonic thing called "us" would turn into, but we interacted like we were a couple.

That afternoon, ESPN kept replaying Tiger Woods' interview.

Mr. Exec: If you were Elin, would you stay?

Me: Hell no.

Mr. Exec: What about for better or worse?

Me: That would go out the window if my husband put his cock inside one other woman — let alone 12.

Mr. Exec: Would you leave a person if he was an alcoholic?

Me: I was in a relationship with an addict and an alcoholic when I was in my early 20s. I became such an co-dependent enabler that I don't think I would knowingly become involved with an addict again unless he was in recovery.

Mr. Exec: Well, what if he didn't have a problem, but a tragic event like a family member's death sent him into a downward spiral? Wouldn't you want to help him?

Me: Of course.

Mr. Exec: Then, how is an alcohol addiction different from a sex addiction?

Me: I don't see what Tiger did as situational or a post-traumatic stress response. Cheating would involve a betrayal of our marriage vows so I see that as different from a substance problem. But, I get your point that if marriage is forever, that includes the worse.

We talked more about our views on cheating and sex addiction. I might not have agreed with all of Mr. Exec's points, but I respected them. I liked his energy and his wisdom. I hadn't dated anyone with whom I felt such physical and intellectual chemistry since Lawyer Boy.

Mr. Exec suggested that we take a nap, but I decided to crack the metaphorical whip and get the article done before we went to sleep. I felt flattered that he trusted me to help him with it, and we worked well together. I had a thought that if we continued dating, there would be a lot more of this. I smiled to myself in front of the laptop (much like I'm doing now). I had definitely missed being able to professionally connect with someone.

When we finished the article, we began talking about upcoming events in town. That made me think of his friend, Jenna, who I had met last year.

Me: How is she? She was so much fun.

He commented that he hadn't talked to her in a while, noting that he received a lot of flack for bringing her to the event in Georgetown.

Me [surprised since I thought that they were just friends]: Was she there as your date?

Mr. Exec: Well…we were hanging out.

Me: Wait a minute… you were flirting with me and asking me out right in front of her? And, she was there as your date?

Mr. Exec: Yes.

Me: What kind of guy is on a date with one girl and asks another girl out right in front of her?

Mr. Exec: Well, Jenna and I weren't serious. We didn't have that much in common. She's nice, but I didn't see it progressing so I didn't view it as a big deal.

Me [laughing out loud]: Seriously? I actually wondered why I had never heard from her since we had gotten along so well. Now I know why. I would have walked out of the restaurant if you had done that with me.

I rolled my eyes and thought to myself:

What was I getting myself into?

Wrapping it up

I recently received the following question on Formspring:

I have had unprotected sex a couple of times, and I know it's a bad idea for the future. How do you bring it up without ruining the mood? Also, who should carry the condoms: the man or the woman? (I don't know how to pick them out since each guy is different.)

To state the obvious, few people enjoy using condoms. But, there is a key difference between wanting to use a condom and needing to use a condom. Unless you and your boyfriend are in a monogamous relationship and have both been tested for HIV and STDs, he should be wearing a condom each and every time you have sex. (I'm sure I'm not telling you anything that you don't know, but it can't hurt to be reminded again.)

Since you have had unprotected sex, have you made an appointment to get tested yet? If not, I recommend doing so in the near future. Most major health insurance companies cover an HIV test as part of your annual physical, and you can be tested for STDs at your annual OB/GYN appointment. If you are attending college, confirm that you can get tested at your school's health center. If your school doesn't offer those services, then check online to find out where the nearest Planned Parenthood or women's center is.

Since you don't care to have unprotected sex in the future, how can you bring up the topic without ruining the mood? Well, that depends on the nature of the relationship:

1. A one-night stand or more casual relationship. You aren't seriously dating anyone and are meeting your girlfriends for drinks. You're open to wherever the evening takes you if you meet a fine guy or receive a text from Mr. Right Now.

Be prepared before you leave the house. Buy a cute condom compact and a box of condoms. Keep the box at your house and before you go out for the evening, place a few condoms in the compact. Throw the compact in your purse along with your keys, phone and lip gloss, and you're ready to go!

Prior to having sex, I imagine that the guy will reach for a condom. If he doesn't say or do anything, put your hands on his face and look into his eyes as you say:

I want you inside me. Do you have a condom?

(If you like to talk dirty, feel free to substitute the first line with any variation of "I want to fuck you.")

If he has a condom, then let him use whatever condom he prefers. If he doesn't have one, then you can reach over and grab a condom out of your purse. It doesn't need to ruin the mood since using a condom is a means to a hopefully enjoyable end! If the mention of the word, "condom," makes the guy less excited (as in, less hard), then take a few minutes to get him just how you want him before he puts on the condom.

Most guys in this day and age should realize that it's dangerous to have unprotected sex. But, there are still those guys who will break out a line to try to convince you otherwise. Be prepared with your responses. For example:

Guy: I'll just put the tip in.
Girl: We both know where that will lead.

Guy: I can't feel anything with a condom.
Girl: I bet you will. I'm very wet.

Guy: I don't want to use a condom.
Girl: We can just mess around without having sex, but wouldn't sex be more fun?

Guy: Aren't you on the pill?
Girl: That's not the point. We don't know each other well enough to go raw.

You can use whatever words you wish to get the point across. Just know your limits and stick to them.

With respect to ruining the mood, I would try to reframe your thoughts on that. Using a condom when you have sex should be viewed as Standard Operating Procedure, not a buzz kill. Unless you and the guy are in a monogamous relationship and have both been tested, then the risks of not using a condom FAR outweigh the 60 seconds it takes to bring it up and put one on. (Please realize how much of an understatement this is and that I could go on and on about how testing positive for HIV or dealing with an unplanned pregnancy could really ruin the mood.) Just view using a condom as a normal part of the routine of having sex.

What condoms should you buy? You could buy a Variety Pack from Durex or Trojan or pick a lubricated, latex condom that you like. Choose latex over lambskin since lambskin does not prevent again STDs.

If you want to cover all your bases, you can also pick up a box of Trojan Magnums for larger men and throw one of those condoms in the compact. Trojan's bestseller is the lubricated, ultra-thin ENZ condom, but the company recently came out with an ultra-ribbed Ecstasy condom. (The Ecstasy claims to let you feel all of the pleasure without feeling the condom. Has anyone tried one of these condoms? What was your experience? Please comment – anonymously if need be – and let us know.)

2. If you're in a relationship, then the topic of condoms becomes part of a larger discussion of past sexual history and birth control. I think it's easier to have those discussions out of the bedroom so that there's less pressure. But, if you prefer to have that conversation in the bedroom, that's fine, too. (It's more important that you talk about it than where you talk about it.)

If you care about this person, then it's worth communicating about the following things:

Are you using condoms for birth control and STD/HIV prevention or just the latter?

What condom does he like best? Will he be providing them or do you need to stock up, too?

Will you be using condoms in the early stage of your relationship with the intent to get tested later on?

Are you both monogamous?

Can you orgasm with condoms or will you need additional clitoral stimulation?

You might address all these issues in one fell swoop or discuss these matters over time. If you are in a relationship with someone, then it's appropriate and necessary to broach all of these topics. Just remember that communication and honesty are keys to a healthy relationship in all senses of the word!

Have fun and be safe! xoxo

How have you broached condom use with a partner? What's your brand of choice and why?

Somewhat Delightful

Are you looking for a toy for G-Spot stimulation that's a better quality product than the Rabbit? 

The women at Lotus Blooms recommend Lelo's Iris and Fun Factory's Delight because of the caliber of their products. I chose Fun Factory's Delight since that toy also provides clitoral stimulation. The Delight is made from 100% Medical Grade silicone so it's good for your skin and your body. (Phthalate-free is the only way to be!)

The Delight comes in a carrying case with an external charger. There are no batteries required, which is a huge plus! The case is so discreet that you'd expect to find a pair of sunglasses inside.

The Delight is available in black and white or pink. I chose pink since it seemed feminine. I also felt like the shape in black and white reminded me of a small whale, which just isn't sexy to me.

The toy is S-shaped so that you can easily insert it so it hits the G-Spot just so. It was made with ergonomics in mind so can grip the toy with your index finger and thumb. You then move your thumb on the top of the toy to operate the controls.

There is a positive sign and a negative sign where your thumb rests, and the control panel illuminates when touched. You may need to touch the positive sign up to four times in a row before the toy turns on. (For those of us who expect instant gratification, it helps to know that in advance to avoid getting frustrated. When I first used the toy and couldn't figure out how to turn it on, I was cursing at it for a few seconds. That's never fun!)

The Delight has eight (8) speeds. Press the positive sign to increase the intensity and the negative sign to decrease. Once the toy has been on for a few minutes, you can then continue to press the positive sign to change from constant vibrations to varying speeds.

It's most comfortable to use the toy if you are lying on your back or on sitting on a couch with your head and back upright and your legs out in front of you. Feel free to experiment on your own, but it was awkward to use the toy face down.

This toy features an added piece of silicone for clitoral stimulation. However, one size does not fit all! I had a hard time positioning the toy on my G-Spot and my clit simultaneously. I wondered if that was just how my body is shaped, but a friend who owns the Delight had the exact same problem. The product can give amazing G-Spot orgasms and is sleeker than most adult toys. But, I wouldn't pitch the Delight as dual-purpose since the clitoral stimulation is minimal at best.

The toy is very quiet and doesn't look like your typical, dildo-shaped vibrator. (That's a plus for those of you who don't want to wake up roommates, kids, parents or significant others.) The Delight is also aesthetically-pleasing and wouldn't be intimidating to pull into the bedroom for use with your partner.

There is one big negative to the product, though, and that's the price! The Delight retails for a pricey $109.99.

The Delight was the first toy that I paid more than three figures for so my expectations were higher. I wanted more bang since I shelled out so many bucks. And, I have to say that the Delight came up short. Fun Factory's Delight is a great toy for finding your G-Spot, but the toy has gathered a lot more dust than…

Have you tried the Delight or a similar high-end sex toy? What was your experience?

Are You Ready To Lose It?

I received the following question on Formspring last week:

Hey City Girl!! I wanted your advice on losing one's virginity. How do you know when the time is right? I have an amazing bf but am still worried about my first time and don't want it to be a bad experience. Any advice?

Here are my thoughts:

The short answer to your question is that I can't tell you whether to lose your virginity or not. That's a decision for you and your boyfriend to make. (I've said the same thing when readers ask me about trying anal, a threesome or having sex shortly after ending a serious relationship.)

With that disclaimer, there are definitely factors to consider as you make your decision. Here are a few that come to my mind:

1. Why have you waited up until this point? If your interest in losing your virginity is based on pressure that you feel from your boyfriend or friends who have already had sex, then you might want to wait to be sure that the decision is yours and yours alone. If you've waited until your relationship has reached a certain milestone (three months of dating or an engagement ring, for example), then have you reached that milestone? If so, do you still feel the same?

2. What expectations do you have about your first time? I loved my high school boyfriend, Boston Christian, with all my heart. I've never regretted losing my virginity to him for a second, but the act was also incredibly painful. Sharing that experience together was wonderful because we loved each other as much as two teenagers can, but the sex wasn't.

Are you close enough as a couple that you could make it past a bad experience? Would you be okay if it doesn't turn out perfectly? What are your expectations of losing your virginity? Are you both on the same page in terms of how you feel about each other so that adding sex to the mix won't complicate things?

3. Have you discussed all the possible ramifications of pregnancy, STDs and AIDS with your boyfriend? If you don't feel comfortable talking about these topics with him, then I would question whether you are ready to have sex. Are these issues easy to bring up? No. But, they are necessary. Are you both going to be in a sexually-monogamous relationship? Will he be wearing a condom? Are you on birth control? Has he been with anyone before you? If so, do you want him to get tested first?

I addressed some similar issues in last month's post about: How soon is too soon to have sex with a new guy? Determining relationship expectations and discussing birth control and STD/HIV testing need to happen whether it's your first sexual partner or your 50th.

Please take this post as friendly advice, rather than encouragement or discouragement. If you read through this and decide that you're ready, then you are! But, if the post raises more questions for you than answers, then you might prefer to wait. You can always decide at a later point that you're ready. There's no right or wrong so just follow your heart, use your head and be safe! xoxo

Readers: What would you recommend? How was your first time?

My thoughts on Boobquake

In 1953, a young woman evaluated her options for going to college. She was an Honor Roll student and wanted to apply for a scholarship to the state university. Her guidance counselor told her:

You shouldn't apply since you're just going to get married after high school anyway.

She refused to be undeterred, working at the local YMCA to save money for night school. After college, she secured a job, managing an advertising agency in Manhattan. Her managerial style was no-nonsense, but effective. Her co-workers called her, "Dragon Lady," and rather than run from that title, she embraced it.

In the late 1960s, she was one of the charter members of a local NOW (National Organization for Women) chapter. And, she didn't follow the path that her guidance counselor predicted. She married at age 34 and had her only child, me, two years later.

My Mom raised me to believe that I could do anything and be anything. She hoped that I could be respected for being a strong and educated person. She taught me about equal rights and feminism when I was in elementary school.

The world in many senses was my oyster. Nonetheless, as far as women's rights had come, I learned at an early age that being a girl wasn't the same as being a boy. (And, no, I'm not talking about biology or anatomy here.) Two examples:

In fourth grade, I was the Teacher's Pet. (If you knew me then or know me now, that shouldn't be hard to picture.) When I finished my work, I would grade everyone else's papers in class. I knew that I had the elementary school equivalent of straight As, and that one boy in class had one B and the rest As.

However, when report cards were issued, he had all As, and I received one B. My parents asked about that in their conference with my teacher and were informed:

Boys need encouragement, and girls shouldn't have things handed to them too easily.

In high school, I went out one night with a guy, Golf Boy. He proceeded to tell the entire school what we did and even lied about having a videotape of our evening. I tried my best to ignore him after that. But in History, he came over to my desk, got on the floor in front of me, and put his hands up my poof skirt to touch my underwear.

Several other people in the class laughed, and I yelled a few expletives at him. The female teacher saw what had happened, and made me put 75 cents in the curse jar for saying three bad words. She didn't punish him at all.

When it came time to select a college, I chose a woman's college. My school allowed all of us to shine in one way or another, and I grew without having to worry about sexism holding me back.

I took several classes on women and the law. Sexual harassment in the workplace was brought up in the curriculum on more than one occasion. We were taught that harassment wasn't to be tolerated in any circumstance.

Those lessons and the relevant case law were in the back of my head when I began my first job out of college. As a legal assistant, I worked long hours and would often go to a club afterward.

Since sexual harassment was wrong, I thought that meant that I could dress however I wanted to at work. If my dress was a little short or my blouse was a little too tight around my chest, then who had the right to care? I should be judged solely on my work performance. And, besides, I really didn't want to go home at 11pm to change.

I started to notice something, though. As smart as I was and as strong as my work product was, the partners in the law firm felt like they were justified in making inappropriate comments about my dress or me.

"Your guy couldn't hold onto his balls this weekend," one attorney said after my then-boyfriend fumbled in Sunday's NFL game.

"You're a sexual harassment law suit waiting to happen," another partner told me in my first job after law school.

"The things I could do to you," my boss informed me.

I realized that there was a correlation between how I dressed and how seriously I was taken professionally. I'm not saying that was right. (In fact, I think the comments that were made to me were incredibly inappropriate.) But, the adage, "boys will be boys," has been around for such a long time for a reason.

With the first two examples, I was offended, yet I never filed a complaint. By the third, I was confident enough in my work abilities to call my superior out on his behavior directly:

"You wish you could handle this, but we both know you can't. Can we get back to the case now?" I told him with a firm attitude and a big smile.

He never made a comment about my appearance again.

I also reevaluated what I could do to be taken more seriously in the workplace. I left my mini-skirts and tight sweaters at home and invested in a lot of Ann Taylor and Tahari suits. I noticed how people responded to me differently. My opinion and my accomplishments were more respected. I liked that.

Why am I writing about all of this on a relationship and sex blog? I love my sexuality and my curves. But, I also love being taken seriously as an attorney. If we lived in a society that didn't view women as sex objects, then I could be both a lawyer and a sex blogger. But, that's not the reality. Double standards may not be as overt as they once were, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.

I, thus, didn't feel comfortable participating in Boobquake today. (For those of you who are unaware about what Boobquake is, read here.)

I'm thankful that women in the United States have countless freedoms that women in so many other countries do not. I admire the idealism and social media savvy of the college senior, Jennifer McCreight, who came up with the idea to for women to wear low-cut tops. The goal of Boobquake: to test (mock?) Iranian Prayer Leader Sedighi's theory that dressing immodestly causes earthquakes. I vehemently disagree with religions, cultures and regimes that try to suppress women educationally, economically, politically and personally. But, I've learned that I can be a better advocate for those women and myself, if I keep my revealing attire out of the workplace.

I support those of you women who wore low-cut tops today in protest of Sedighi's misogynistic and misinformed statements. But, I hope that you'll also support me. I'm the woman in the black Ann Taylor pants suit with sensible heels to your left. Yeah, that's me. I'm Dragon Lady's daughter and proud of it.

Did you celebrate Boobquake? Was it just a college joke, in spite of the media coverage and massive on line support? With an estimated 200,000 participants, how can this event turn into something more to advance women's issues?

How soon is too soon to have sex with a new guy?

When I was in NYC recently, I had lunch with an old friend. In less than a month, her long-term boyfriend had broken up with her, and she met a great new guy. We started discussing her current relationship, and she asked me:

How soon is too soon to have sex with the new guy?

I'll gladly tackle the question with the disclaimer that there's no right or wrong answer here. I know couples that have had sex the first night they met and are happily married years later. There are also women out there who have waited to have sex with a guy, thinking that he was "The One," only to have sex with him and find out that he wasn't.

With that in mind, what factors should you consider before jumping in bed with a guy?

1. What are you looking for?

Sex: More than a few young women are raised to feel like it's wrong to view sex or want to hook up like men do. There are many double standards when it comes to relationships and sex, but that doesn't mean that those standards are right. What's wrong with using a man for sex like a man might do to you, provided that you can emotionally handle a connection that's purely physical? If what a girl wants is a one-night stand or casual sex, then there's no need to wait. Practice safe sex every time, find a place that is comfortable for you both, and make sure that you know the guy well enough to know that if you set boundaries, they will be respected. Beyond that, have fun!

Love: If you are looking for a relationship with a solid, emotionally-based connection, then I recommend waiting before adding sex into the equation. Give yourself time to make sure that you both are on the same page in terms of compatibility and what you are looking for out of the relationship. Focus on activities outside the bedroom to really get to know each other. Enjoy kissing and other non-sexual forms of affection and romantic expression. Make sure that you both are equally as invested in the relationship and that you are spending regular amounts of time together.

If you are always waiting for him to call and don't see each other with much frequency, then you might not be on the same page. If you feel anxious about when you will hear from a new guy or how to define your relationship before you have sex, that feeling will only magnify after you have sex. You can't expect that sex will change a guy's behavior so why not wait to see if you're both looking for a serious relationship before you jump into bed with him?

Discuss birth control, condoms, STD-testing and whether or not you both are in a monogamous relationship before you have sex. If you are waiting to have sex until you're in a long-term relationship, but you don't feel comfortable discussing any of those topics with your man, then you aren't on the same page. (I'm not saying that these topics are fun or easy to bring up, but they are necessary if you're in a monogamous relationship.)

Something between Sex and Love: If you aren't sure of what you're looking for or whether a new guy has long-term potential, then wait until you know or your relationship has been defined. Once you have sex, you can't go back to the beginning stage of the relationship and get to know the guy without sex being part of your normal routine. Remember that there's no harm in waiting.

2. How long should you wait?

I've noticed that I have more clarity about and peace regarding a relationship when I wait to have sex with a guy. I look back at several relationships and was glad to realize before I had sex with a guy that we weren't compatible. Likewise, I could tell which guys truly cared about me because they were interested in more than just sex.

I can't tell you if four dates or a month or Steve Harvey's 90-day probationary period is right for you. What can I recommend then? Take your time, trust your intuition, and do only what makes you feel comfortable. Make sure that you know  If you have concerns that you're having sex too soon in a relationship, then you probably are.

3. How can you tell if you're over your ex?

For my friend, this is integral to the issue of when she should have sex with the new guy. She was in a serious relationship, and her heart was broken. Understandably, she might need time to process that before having sex with the new guy.

When you bounce from one serious relationship to the next, you don't always look at the new partner as purely for sex. But, if you haven't healed from your previous relationship, the new partner ends up being a transitional guy by default.

How often do you think about your ex? Do you find yourself looking at old photos, cards, e-mails or his profiles online with any regularity? Are you still crying or angry about the relationship? If you knew that he would be at a certain place on a given night, would you feel the need to go there to confront him or would you avoid the place altogether because seeing him would be too painful? Are you waiting for him to call, text, IM or e-mail you just because? Are you preoccupied about that one small thing of yours that is still over his place?

An attachment to your ex or a lack thereof might depend on who initiated the breakup, why you broke up, and/or how difficult the latter part of your relationship was. I can't tell you if you're over someone or not, but if you aren't truly sure, then it might make sense to wait to move forward with your new relationship. You owe it to yourself and your new partner to make sure that you're approaching things honestly and openly. Otherwise, Mr. New Guy automatically becomes Mr. Rebound. If that's what you want, then fine. But, if you don't feel certain or you think that the new guy could become something serious, then err on the side of caution and just keep waiting.

Do you have any rules when it comes to having sex with a new partner? How long do you recommend waiting? How could you tell that you were over your ex?

Around the rim

A reader sent me an email on Twitter last month, asking me about rimming.

(For those of you who don't know what rimming is, it involves oral-anal play. Rimming occurs when one person licks, tongues or eats out the other person's asshole. It's also called a rim job, analingus, or tossing salad. The act can be used as foreplay before sex or by itself. There is a misperception that oral-anal play is just for gay men. That's just not true. Rimming is anyone who enjoys anal play irrespective of sexual orientation.)

Here are my two (or 200) cents about rimming:

1. Does your partner want you to lick his or her ass? I don't think that's a given since I know quite a few friends of mine — men and women — don't enjoy anal play at all. Treat rimming much like anal sex and evaluate on a partner-by-partner basis. The majority of my ex-boyfriends have (thankfully) loved anal sex as much as I do, but only one of them wanted me to give him a rim job. There's not necessarily a correlation between whether a guy wants to have anal sex with a woman and whether a guy wants to be on the receiving end of oral-anal play.

2. So…how do you find out if your significant other is interested in rimming? Communication! I never recommend going into any type of anal play blindly since not everyone enjoys that. Pick a time to broach the subject when there is no expectation of sex. Openly talk about likes, dislikes and concerns.

a. How do you or does he/she feel about fingering the anus? If you are or your partner is open to that, how much of a finger feels pleasurable? Sometimes a little goes a long way. Does saliva provide enough lubrication or do you need to use lube for finger-anal play?

b. How about licking? How much tongue is too much? Does it feel comfortable to have some or all of the tongue inside the anus or is just the outside better? (Some of this is trial and error when you are in the moment, but it helps to talk about the act in advance.)

c. Is your partner open to using anal toys? Is there an interest in having a finger lead to a tongue and then lead to a bead or butt play? What are the limits?

d. If you are a man trying to gauge if your woman is interested in having anal sex, it's helpful to talk about what she does or doesn't feel comfortable with. Does she view fingers and a rim job as part of the process to become more acclimated to anal play or does she view those acts as unrelated from anal sex?

e. Are there health concerns here? Make sure that your partner has gone to the bathroom and fully cleaned out his or her system before you head in that direction. (That seems like Rim Job or Anal 101 to me.)

But, there's another, far more serious layer here. There is a risk of hepatitis from rimming. Are you and our partner exclusive? Do you want to get tested for hepatitis, other STDs and parasites before you explore the fine art of salad tossing? Will you be using a condom before you engage in rimming?

Since it's worth noting, yes, you can just let your fingers do the walking or tongue do the talking when you are engaging in hand or oral play. (I actually didn't know how much I enjoyed rimming until a one-night stand with Dominican Boy .) If you care about the person you are with, though, I think that communicating in advance strengthens both your emotional connection with your significant other and the pleasure during the act itself.

3. Now, what if you like to receive a rim job, but don't want to give one to your partner? (That was the second question that my friend on Twitter asked of me.) A few clichés come to mind:

Tit for tat;
What's good for the goose is good for the gander;
Giving is better than receiving; and
You gotta suck it up.

I realize that none of those are particularly eloquent, but I think you get my point. I believe in reciprocity in the bedroom. It doesn't need to be 50-50, but if you want to receive something in the bedroom, it's only fair that you also give.

Think about what doesn't appeal to you about the act and try to remedy the situation. Maybe you first try licking your partner's ass in the shower after you've made sure the area is clean? Or, you could start with a finger before you move on to the tongue? You also don't need to stick your whole tongue inside of your significant other's anus. You can start with just the tip and ease both of you into the act. For those who like anal play, using the tongue on the outside of the anus — back and forth like a paintbrush or in a clockwise motion — can be extremely pleasurable.

You might also want to see if your partner would be open to using a toy in lieu of or before your tongue. Would you feel more relaxed doing it if you've already gotten off or had a glass of wine first? Or, can you please yourself with one hand or a small toy while licking your partner's ass?

Once you do bring your mouth down to the anus, don't do so begrudgingly. If you focus on the negative, it will be less enjoyable for both you and your significant other. Try a few mind over matter tricks. Remind yourself that you enjoy pleasing your partner. Feel sexy because you are doing something that turns him or her on. You might also feel differently if you try to give someone you love a rim job versus engaging in oral-anal play with someone with whom you are in a more casual relationship.

You might enjoy rimming. You might not. But, keep communicating with your partner and experimenting in whatever ways makes you both feel comfortable!

PS Part II to this post about what to do when you are engaging in oral-anal play coming soon.

One orgasm at a time

Earlier this month, I received this question from one of my favorite virtual friends:

How do I stop myself from essentially being “done” after one clitoral orgasm? (I can’t get off vaginally and let’s face it; I’m usually alone anyway.) My body goes limp. I’m in a state of bliss and I’m like a guy who falls asleep right away. Even if I tell myself I want to have a night of multiple orgasms, I have one and change my mind.

How do you keep yourself in the mood for an extended period of time? Also, if I’m going to follow that up with sex, I’m dry and sensitive, and it’s really uncomfortable. It sounds from your previous posts like you find sex to be better after an orgasm. But for me, it’s the opposite. My body just says, “Umm, we’re done here!” What can I do, other than lube, to help that along?

***

Great questions! Here are my thoughts:

1. One of my friends has an incredibly healthy sex life with her husband, and she orgasms like you do. Instead of viewing “One and Done” as a negative, she looks at it as “One! And!! Done!!!” She recognizes being spent as a very good thing. She also builds her connection with her partner by trying to time her orgasm with when her husband is going to cum.

Maybe you should try to reframe your thoughts about multiples since cumming more than once doesn’t necessarily equate with a better sexual experience. In fact, Men’s Health estimates that only 14-40% of women can achieve multiples. Although that’s a wide range, you are clearly in the majority, not the minority.

2. Have you tried waiting before you try to orgasm a second time? If you feel like you need to sleep, what if you take a nap before trying to orgasm again? Or, if you are using a sex toy, what if you wait a minute (or two or 20) to let your clit relax before you try to cum again?

3. If you are using a sex toy, rather than your fingers, try decreasing the intensity of the vibrations after you cum. You can experiment with: a) taking the toy off of your clit before bringing it back at a lower speed; and b) keeping the toy on your clit, but lowering the speed of the vibrations.

4. Try different types of sex toys — from a small toy that takes one battery to the big guns, the Hitachi Magic Wand or Homedics Massager.

I would also add a dual-purpose (vaginal and clitoral toy) to the mix. Since you haven’t cum before vaginally, I would stick with a rabbit-style product, instead of spending money on a more expensive toy. Take your time to see if you can find your G-Spot and notice how the sensations differ.

5. Does your mood or orgasmic ability change, depending on the toy you use? If you achieve a stronger orgasm with one toy over another, notice how you feel afterward. Are you more or less spent? Can you keep the toy on your clit and continue to cum?

Are there other things (candles, music, erotica literature or porn) that you can utilize to help keep you interested in the task at hand? Are you hornier at certain times during the month? (Women’s hormones peak during ovulation, which typically occurs 10-14 days after the start of your period.)

6. When you’re in a relationship next, experiment to see if you get a heightened sensation by mixing up the order of things. If sex isn’t comfortable after you cum from oral, have your man use fingers or his tongue to get you wet, but not to the point of cumming. Then, when he is inside you, use fingers or a small toy or cock ring to massage your clit. How is your orgasmic experience when you are cumming clitorally while your man is inside you?

7. There are so many types of lubrication because it’s useful! If you aren’t a fan of lube, you can also try to have your significant other wait a few minutes and then try to gently use his fingers, tongue or small toy on your clitoris and around your pussy. The goal doesn’t necessarily have to be to cum, but rather, to get you wet enough so it’s not uncomfortable for you to have sex. You might also try moving to the shower for sex after you orgasm or taking time for your body to relax while you give him a blow job as foreplay.

8. It’s worth noting that your knowledge of your body and orgasmic ability may vary with age. (There is debate within the sexual education community as to whether women really peak sexually at age 35.)

There’s no right or wrong here. Remember, though, that more doesn’t equal better. Experiment to see what turns you on and have fun with that process!

So, readers, what tips do you have for my dear virtual friend?

Why didn’t I blog in real time?

A friend, Lisa, approached me and said the following:

A lot of people don't get your blog.

Misty: What's not to get? [I nod my head.]

Lisa: You don't blog in real time.

Me [with a confused expression on my face]: So?

Misty: She's a storyteller.

Lisa: Well, I get it, which is why I read it so you don't have to convince me….But, 8 people — in PR and Marketing — have come up to me recently and talked about how you don't blog in real time. They don't understand it.

Me: What is there really to understand? It's not that cryptic.

Lisa: You have to have noticed that some of your commenters have been frustrated with the same thing and how you write about things that happened a few months ago.

Me: Yes, I've noticed. But, I just kept telling the story, and it seems by the numbers of hits that I've received that people keep reading.

Lisa: But, I bet that you could quadruple your hits if you blogged in real time.

Me: Really? With the amount of hits I've gotten recently? I doubt that.

Lisa: But, you need to blog in real time if you want to be a successful blogger.

Misty: But, she doesn't want to be a successful blogger.

[I nod my head in agreement. And, yes, folks, Misty is right. If I can turn my blog into something more professionally in the next year, I will. If not, I'll go back to representing my clients since I miss my clients.]

Lisa: You are a blogger now, though. And, you've used social media to promote your blog. You've said that. [I nod.] Social media and Twitter are about getting information in real-time, and you're not blogging in that manner.

A longer discussion ensued, but it got me thinking about what I do and how I do it.

Why don't I blog in real-time?

1. I didn't start blogging in real-time.

My friends have been telling me for years to write down my guy stories. When I broke up with Lawyer Boy at the end of 2008, I had the time and the inclination to finally do that. I wasn't in a relationship at the time so I started writing about past events. Word-of-mouth about my blog grew, and I just kept on writing;

2. I'm a storyteller.

I see myself as a storyteller, rather than one who blogs about her day. Some events warrant several posts, while other quieter weeks don't warrant a mention. Misty commented that some days I would just be writing, "Didn't go out on a date. Didn't have sex." I love my life, but the rest of my life doesn't always make for a good read;

3. Would I be able to date in a small city like DC if I did blog in real time?

I don't think so, and Lisa and Misty both agreed with me on this point. Why is that? DC is small. Lilliputian small. If guys knew that whatever happened that night would appear in a post the following day, I doubt that many guys would want to date me. By not blogging in real time, I also can see if a relationship evolves.

For instance, last Thursday night, I met four guys. I'm currently exchanging e-mails with three of them. I don't know if I'll end up dating any of them, though, so is it really worth describing our first encounters or e-mails on my blog? There might not be a story there since I don't know if any of them will amount to more than just a guy I met at a event. Who knows if a casual encounter is blog-worthy?

That also raises another issue. I just admitted that I'm in contact with four guys from last week. All of them have access to my blog. What if by the sheer fact that I met other guys that night, I lose the chance to go out with the guy with whom I'm the most compatible?

In a similar vein, in the past week, I've been in contact with Philly Matt, The Baron, JAG Man (yes, he's back, too), and Mr. Executive. Out of that group, I could see seriously dating two of them. (No, I'm not saying which two right now.) If I put every detail in real time about my interactions with them and feelings about them, then I might miss out on the opportunity to spend time with each of them individually and see what happens next.

If you know me, you realize that I don't engage in casual sex. (I've had a single one-night stand in a decade.) But, I do believe that a double standard exists in the dating arena. I'm trying to explore my options respectfully. Real-time blogging wouldn't allow me to do that without feeling like all the guys on deck were watching over my shoulders. Writing my stories down the next day might also spark jealousy and resentment or cause a guy to act uncharacteristically.

4. Do you really want real-time?

I have this vision of my man behind me and my laptop in front of me. In that scenario, I'd be blogging as my man is having sex with me. The title of that post would be: Is This Enough Real-Time For You?

Sex and love don't always follow a story arc, and my stories are detailed and explore things from every angle. As "real" as I am in my blog, I think that "real time" would detract from my posts.

Mr. Executive also made a good point that if I was to blog in real-time, then I would need to have an itinerary before every post. He joked:

So…are we going to have sex, watch a movie or get in a fight tonight? I need to figure out what I'm going to write about next.

I prefer to let whatever happens happen organically and then write about it after I've had time to digest it. And, yes, I realize that I was blogging about the end of my relationship with "Buckeyes" Boy three months after we had split up. But, I have to believe that my readers (and not just my friends) care about me as a person. I don't know emotionally if I would have been able to handle writing about everything as I was going through it with "Buckeyes" Boy. I also wouldn't have done well with all the criticism in the moment. Isn't it better that my relationship with "Buckeyes" Boy ended as it was meant to, rather than by a huge fight over the comments that he read or something I put in a post?

5. What else should I do?

I initially started to write down my stories just for me. But, now, I'm writing for a larger audience. I feel guilty when I don't blog for a few days in a row. My readers are invested in my stories, and I don't want to disappoint. Many of you have shown me by your comments, Tweets and e-mails that you care about me. I feel that, and I want to give the same back at you!

Isn't the purpose of social media to exchange information to a broader audience through the Internet? And, isn't that what I'm doing? Yes, social media provides news and information in real time, but whether or not I have sex with a guy isn't news; it's entertainment for my friends and readers.

Social media has grown in every sense of the word because it isn't formulaic, and it's constantly being used in new and visionary ways. It's ironic to me that I've received criticism (albeit through a third-party) that I have used social media in a way that it wasn't intended to be used. Who defines the norm in an ever-changing market to infinite consumers? More accurately, does there need to be a norm? Isn't the beauty of social media that we all have the power to create and exchange personal and professional information over the Internet in whatever manner we choose?

I'm not cooking one recipe a day to blog about it. Likewise, I'm not sleeping with or dating one guy a day to prove a point. That's not my love life as an adult, and it's not my writing style.

I've always done it my way (that was the title of my autobiography back in 6th grade), and I blog like I fuck (out of the box). I'm a storyteller and an advice-giver, and I'm just going to keep on writing. xoxo

So…what are your thoughts? How do you define "successful blogger?"