relationships

Trusting your partner

I’ve received quite a few questions via e-mail and Formspring about cheating. I thought that I would tackle one of them today.

Question: Do you think it’s ever safe to trust someone 100%?

Answer: I assume that you mean “someone” in the romantic partnership sense of the word. With that clarification, I do think it’s safe to trust someone 100%.

If you are in a partnership and are truly in love with someone, then I would hope that you would trust that person completely. I feel as though I can’t control whether or not a person is worthy of my trust, but I can control my ability to trust someone. When I fall in love, I’m all in. I will work to earn the person’s trust 100%, and I will believe in that person 100%.

If my partner does something to indicate that he’s not trustworthy, then I’ll respond accordingly. But, I can’t go into a serious relationship with my guard up too much; that’s not healthy for me as an individual or as a part of a couple.

I worked hard to move past my fears of commitment and allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable in my relationships with men. Have I gotten hurt at times? Sure. But, do I regret getting hurt? No. I’ve been able to look at my actions and know with 100% certainty that I truly loved and that I did my best to make that relationship work.

We all deserve to be all in when it comes to love. You’ll know you found the right person for you when you can trust him or her with your heart.

 

Tea for two

As my date with Mr. Exec approached, I found myself a bit giddy. Mr. Exec was handsome, successful and intriguing, and I was looking forward to spending more time with him. I could tell just how excited I was by the fact that I told my friends about my plans.

JD: Where did you meet him again?

Me: At a charity event last year. He had asked me out back then, but I was still with "Buckeyes" Boy. I'll guess we'll see if our timing is better now.

JD: So, where is he taking you?

Me: Out for tea.

JD: Tea? [Laughing out loud.] He's taking you out for tea? What straight guy invites someone out for tea?

Me: Come on. That's his thing. He mentioned that to me last year. I don't drink coffee anyway so what does it matter?

JD: Is he black?

Me: Yeah. Light-skinned.

JD: British?

Me: No. Enough! It's not a big deal, k?

JD found the whole "tea" meet-up to be suspect, but I chose not to over-analyze our plans for the evening. Mr. Exec and I had also been texting about watching the Georgetown-Marquette game afterward. I liked the idea that the date could be tea and more.

I wanted to look cute without being overdressed. (This was just a casual date, after all.) And, as is often the case in March, it was raining outside. I chose a red sweater, my skinny black Twenty8Twelve jeans and my black Burberry jacket.

When I arrived at Teaism Dupont, Mr. Exec was out front. He gave me a kiss on the cheek to say hello. When we noticed what the other was wearing, we started to laugh out loud. Mr. Exec had a black Burberry jacket and jeans on. We looked like twins!

We went inside, ordered tea and headed upstairs to a table. It didn't take me more than a few seconds to remember what a smart guy he was and how easily our conversation flowed. Mr. Exec and I talked about the usual topics that a couple does on a first date: education; places we've lived; work and family. The more he spoke about how he was raised, the more I smiled. It was clear that Mr. Exec was a total Momma's Boy.

After an hour at Teaism, he said,

Shall we go to a bar to watch the rest of the game?

Me [smiling]: That would be great.

He suggested that we head down to South Dupont and watch the game at a bar with more of a sports vibe. While we were walking, we heard Bell Biv Devoe's "Poison" coming from a bar below Darlington House.

Me: Is it 1990? What's next? Someone will start doing the running man?

Neither of us said anything to each other, but there, in the middle of the sidewalk on Connecticut Avenue, we both broke out into the running man. I switched it up to the slide move that BBD was known for as Mr. Exec worked the Cabbage Patch.

When we finished our dance break, we laughed so hard that I had tears in my eyes. Mr. Exec then commented,

We have to go into that bar now.

We walked inside and realized that was the perfect place to watch the game. We bellied up to the bar to order drinks and some appetizers.

Mr. Exec: So, I have to admit that I haven't looked at your blog.

Me: That's not necessarily a bad thing. (I don't care for a guy to read about the explicit details of my past relationships anymore than I care to read about theirs.)

Mr. Exec: Well, I wanted to go to your Blog Party to show you that I support you, but I didn't fully understand what happened with "Buckeyes" Boy. Are you comfortable talking about it?

Me: Sure. I didn't do anything wrong so I'm fine talking about him.

I condensed my relationship and the aftermath into a seven-minute conversation. I didn't want to belabor the situation or raise concern that I might not be over "Buckeyes" Boy. But, Mr. Exec had several questions about my relationship, and I wanted to answer them honestly.

Me: This is a small town. "Buckeyes" Boy has lied to numerous people in the Twitter community, a recruiter and people in his workplace. It's only a matter of time before he lies himself right out of this city.

Mr. Exec: Definitely. People don't realize how it all comes out eventually. DC is too small for it not to. For instance, Nikki [a friend of his who I had met] was telling me about this guy who kept asking her out last year. He said how much he liked her and that he wanted to take her to dinner. She considered it, but then she told me his name. I was like, 'There's no way you can go out with The Baron. He's a crook.'

Me: The Baron?

Mr. Exec: Yeah, do you know him?

Me: Umm…yeah…we went to law school together.

I figured that was easier than saying,

Oh, you mean the guy who I spent New Year's with?

Yeah. My world is way too small.

How soon is too soon to have sex with a new guy?

When I was in NYC recently, I had lunch with an old friend. In less than a month, her long-term boyfriend had broken up with her, and she met a great new guy. We started discussing her current relationship, and she asked me:

How soon is too soon to have sex with the new guy?

I'll gladly tackle the question with the disclaimer that there's no right or wrong answer here. I know couples that have had sex the first night they met and are happily married years later. There are also women out there who have waited to have sex with a guy, thinking that he was "The One," only to have sex with him and find out that he wasn't.

With that in mind, what factors should you consider before jumping in bed with a guy?

1. What are you looking for?

Sex: More than a few young women are raised to feel like it's wrong to view sex or want to hook up like men do. There are many double standards when it comes to relationships and sex, but that doesn't mean that those standards are right. What's wrong with using a man for sex like a man might do to you, provided that you can emotionally handle a connection that's purely physical? If what a girl wants is a one-night stand or casual sex, then there's no need to wait. Practice safe sex every time, find a place that is comfortable for you both, and make sure that you know the guy well enough to know that if you set boundaries, they will be respected. Beyond that, have fun!

Love: If you are looking for a relationship with a solid, emotionally-based connection, then I recommend waiting before adding sex into the equation. Give yourself time to make sure that you both are on the same page in terms of compatibility and what you are looking for out of the relationship. Focus on activities outside the bedroom to really get to know each other. Enjoy kissing and other non-sexual forms of affection and romantic expression. Make sure that you both are equally as invested in the relationship and that you are spending regular amounts of time together.

If you are always waiting for him to call and don't see each other with much frequency, then you might not be on the same page. If you feel anxious about when you will hear from a new guy or how to define your relationship before you have sex, that feeling will only magnify after you have sex. You can't expect that sex will change a guy's behavior so why not wait to see if you're both looking for a serious relationship before you jump into bed with him?

Discuss birth control, condoms, STD-testing and whether or not you both are in a monogamous relationship before you have sex. If you are waiting to have sex until you're in a long-term relationship, but you don't feel comfortable discussing any of those topics with your man, then you aren't on the same page. (I'm not saying that these topics are fun or easy to bring up, but they are necessary if you're in a monogamous relationship.)

Something between Sex and Love: If you aren't sure of what you're looking for or whether a new guy has long-term potential, then wait until you know or your relationship has been defined. Once you have sex, you can't go back to the beginning stage of the relationship and get to know the guy without sex being part of your normal routine. Remember that there's no harm in waiting.

2. How long should you wait?

I've noticed that I have more clarity about and peace regarding a relationship when I wait to have sex with a guy. I look back at several relationships and was glad to realize before I had sex with a guy that we weren't compatible. Likewise, I could tell which guys truly cared about me because they were interested in more than just sex.

I can't tell you if four dates or a month or Steve Harvey's 90-day probationary period is right for you. What can I recommend then? Take your time, trust your intuition, and do only what makes you feel comfortable. Make sure that you know  If you have concerns that you're having sex too soon in a relationship, then you probably are.

3. How can you tell if you're over your ex?

For my friend, this is integral to the issue of when she should have sex with the new guy. She was in a serious relationship, and her heart was broken. Understandably, she might need time to process that before having sex with the new guy.

When you bounce from one serious relationship to the next, you don't always look at the new partner as purely for sex. But, if you haven't healed from your previous relationship, the new partner ends up being a transitional guy by default.

How often do you think about your ex? Do you find yourself looking at old photos, cards, e-mails or his profiles online with any regularity? Are you still crying or angry about the relationship? If you knew that he would be at a certain place on a given night, would you feel the need to go there to confront him or would you avoid the place altogether because seeing him would be too painful? Are you waiting for him to call, text, IM or e-mail you just because? Are you preoccupied about that one small thing of yours that is still over his place?

An attachment to your ex or a lack thereof might depend on who initiated the breakup, why you broke up, and/or how difficult the latter part of your relationship was. I can't tell you if you're over someone or not, but if you aren't truly sure, then it might make sense to wait to move forward with your new relationship. You owe it to yourself and your new partner to make sure that you're approaching things honestly and openly. Otherwise, Mr. New Guy automatically becomes Mr. Rebound. If that's what you want, then fine. But, if you don't feel certain or you think that the new guy could become something serious, then err on the side of caution and just keep waiting.

Do you have any rules when it comes to having sex with a new partner? How long do you recommend waiting? How could you tell that you were over your ex?

One orgasm at a time

Earlier this month, I received this question from one of my favorite virtual friends:

How do I stop myself from essentially being “done” after one clitoral orgasm? (I can’t get off vaginally and let’s face it; I’m usually alone anyway.) My body goes limp. I’m in a state of bliss and I’m like a guy who falls asleep right away. Even if I tell myself I want to have a night of multiple orgasms, I have one and change my mind.

How do you keep yourself in the mood for an extended period of time? Also, if I’m going to follow that up with sex, I’m dry and sensitive, and it’s really uncomfortable. It sounds from your previous posts like you find sex to be better after an orgasm. But for me, it’s the opposite. My body just says, “Umm, we’re done here!” What can I do, other than lube, to help that along?

***

Great questions! Here are my thoughts:

1. One of my friends has an incredibly healthy sex life with her husband, and she orgasms like you do. Instead of viewing “One and Done” as a negative, she looks at it as “One! And!! Done!!!” She recognizes being spent as a very good thing. She also builds her connection with her partner by trying to time her orgasm with when her husband is going to cum.

Maybe you should try to reframe your thoughts about multiples since cumming more than once doesn’t necessarily equate with a better sexual experience. In fact, Men’s Health estimates that only 14-40% of women can achieve multiples. Although that’s a wide range, you are clearly in the majority, not the minority.

2. Have you tried waiting before you try to orgasm a second time? If you feel like you need to sleep, what if you take a nap before trying to orgasm again? Or, if you are using a sex toy, what if you wait a minute (or two or 20) to let your clit relax before you try to cum again?

3. If you are using a sex toy, rather than your fingers, try decreasing the intensity of the vibrations after you cum. You can experiment with: a) taking the toy off of your clit before bringing it back at a lower speed; and b) keeping the toy on your clit, but lowering the speed of the vibrations.

4. Try different types of sex toys — from a small toy that takes one battery to the big guns, the Hitachi Magic Wand or Homedics Massager.

I would also add a dual-purpose (vaginal and clitoral toy) to the mix. Since you haven’t cum before vaginally, I would stick with a rabbit-style product, instead of spending money on a more expensive toy. Take your time to see if you can find your G-Spot and notice how the sensations differ.

5. Does your mood or orgasmic ability change, depending on the toy you use? If you achieve a stronger orgasm with one toy over another, notice how you feel afterward. Are you more or less spent? Can you keep the toy on your clit and continue to cum?

Are there other things (candles, music, erotica literature or porn) that you can utilize to help keep you interested in the task at hand? Are you hornier at certain times during the month? (Women’s hormones peak during ovulation, which typically occurs 10-14 days after the start of your period.)

6. When you’re in a relationship next, experiment to see if you get a heightened sensation by mixing up the order of things. If sex isn’t comfortable after you cum from oral, have your man use fingers or his tongue to get you wet, but not to the point of cumming. Then, when he is inside you, use fingers or a small toy or cock ring to massage your clit. How is your orgasmic experience when you are cumming clitorally while your man is inside you?

7. There are so many types of lubrication because it’s useful! If you aren’t a fan of lube, you can also try to have your significant other wait a few minutes and then try to gently use his fingers, tongue or small toy on your clitoris and around your pussy. The goal doesn’t necessarily have to be to cum, but rather, to get you wet enough so it’s not uncomfortable for you to have sex. You might also try moving to the shower for sex after you orgasm or taking time for your body to relax while you give him a blow job as foreplay.

8. It’s worth noting that your knowledge of your body and orgasmic ability may vary with age. (There is debate within the sexual education community as to whether women really peak sexually at age 35.)

There’s no right or wrong here. Remember, though, that more doesn’t equal better. Experiment to see what turns you on and have fun with that process!

So, readers, what tips do you have for my dear virtual friend?

Prioritizing

The patterns of late in my relationship with Buckeyes Boy were unhealthy. Somehow we went from dominant and submissive in the bedroom to dominant and submissive outside of the bedroom. I was getting tired of being so deferential to him all the time…of catering to his every need when my basic needs were barely being met…of paying for everything when he had been at work for over a month now.

Then, just when I felt like I was going to lose it around him and go off on all that had been weighing on me, he would say something that would make me feel like maybe we could get past this.

Buckeyes Boy [after finding all these things I had gotten him]: I’ve never met anyone as thoughtful as you. I make some comments in passing about how my razor bumps are irritating and that I use hand sanitizer at work, and the next thing I know, you get me a whole facial cleansing system and a packet of hand sanitizers.

Me: You’re welcome, baby. That’s what I do for the people I love.

Buckeyes Boy: But, I don’t think you realize how few people do that. Thank you for being so patient with me with all the changes from the new job. I know this hasn’t been easy on you, but I really appreciate everything. [We kiss.]

Our relationship was (thankfully) not abusive, but I started to recognize the honeymoon stage that followed our fights. One night, he was saying that I was jealous and controlling, and the next night he would tell me how wonderful I was. A part of me wondered if the pendulum would stop swinging back and forth and if we could just…be.

In late November 2009, I was talking to my friend, AP, about the latest round of ups and downs with Buckeyes Boy.

Me: I give us a 50/50 chance of making it through New Year’s.

AP: Really? He adores you. I think you guys will work it out. He just needs to get into a routine at work first. But, at least you know you are ready!

Me: For what? [Pause.] Marriage?

AP: Yeah.

Me [laughing out loud]: I don’t know. I’m willing to stick it out with Buckeyes Boy because I love him and because of how good we were in the beginning. But, if you tell me I’m single again, I don’t think I’m going to be in a rush to get into another relationship. You know me…when did I ever talk about getting married before Buckeyes Boy?

AP [laughing]: Umm…never! When you told us that you guys were planning your wedding, I almost got whiplash! I thought the aliens had gotten you. [We both crack up.]

Me: Exactly. I know I want to be a mom. I don’t know that I want to be a wife. I’ll ride things out with Buckeyes Boy, but if we break up, I’m not sure if I see just looking for one guy to be with forever. I don’t know if that’s my thing.

Buckeyes Boy came home that evening and was up sick most of the night. I tried to do what I could to make him feel more comfortable, but some things just need to run their course. He had off the following day and gave me the heads up that two friends were having parties. As was the norm, he didn’t invite me to join him so I decided to make my own plans.

I figured that he would sleep in since he was sick most of the night, but he headed out in the morning to meet his sister for coffee. When he returned, the Ohio State-Michigan game was on, but he went back to bed since he wasn’t feeling well. (The fact that he wasn’t interested in the game as a former Buckeyes football player confused me, though.) I got him some ginger ale and some over-the-counter stuff and tucked him in.

As Buckeyes Boy and I were talking in bed, the topic of porn came up. He knew the actresses that I enjoyed, but I didn’t know whom he liked.

Me: When you are by yourself, who do you fantasize about?

Buckeyes Boy: Well, no one really.

Me: There’s not a porn star or an actress that you think about or like to watch when you are getting off?

Buckeyes Boy: I just don’t really do that.

Me: You don’t masturbate? [He nods.] I’m calling bull shit on that one.

Buckeyes Boy: Why would I do that when I can just go to a club and leave with a girl?

Me [biting my tongue from asking him why he was an almost 32-year-old man acting like he was still in college]: Really? Well, I thought you had said that you were a relationship guy.

Buckeyes Boy: I am. But when I’m not in a relationship, I’m gonna go out to take care of that. What guy wouldn’t do it that way?

Me: So…after you left Toronto [and the girl he was dating up there] and before we met, that’s what you did?

Buckeyes Boy: Yeah.

Me [as my eyes get really wide]: You sooo didn’t tell me that! You made it sound like you were all about relationships! Dare I ask if you used condoms with these women?

Buckeyes Boy: Of course.

Me: All the time? [He nods.] You definitely spun the whole, “I’m a relationship guy,” to your advantage. You made it sound like you hadn’t been with anyone since you left Toronto.

Buckeyes Boy: What if I go on your blog and read about the guys that you were with before we started dating?

Me: Go on it! You were the only person I slept with since I broke up with Lawyer Boy last Thanksgiving! I’ve had one one-night stand in a decade! I just wish you had told me this back in September.

Buckeyes Boy: What did you expect? Any guy who is good-looking enough to go into a bar and get a girl is going to do exactly the same thing!

As we rolled over to take a nap, I felt unsettled. I didn’t even bring up how he told me he had been tested for HIV when he arrived in DC and whether or not that was a lie. I just knew I needed to get tested again.

I woke up before Buckeyes Boy did, and there ended up being a change in my plans for the evening. I wasn’t going to Virginia, but rather, having dinner with my friend, Tina, in Adams Morgan. As it turned out, Buckeyes Boy’s parties that night were in Adams Morgan and U Street. Even though he had been sick a lot over the past 24 hours, he was still going to try to go out.

Me: Well, your stuff should be starting around the time that my stuff ends. If you want to grab a drink or meet up since we’ll both be in the same area, let me know. I could just come by for the first hour or so and then I’d leave you all so I can work on my thesis. Or, if you decide not to go out and you need anything, just call me. I should be home by 10 at the latest, but I can leave early if you need me to.

Buckeyes Boy: Okay. I’ll let you know.

I hadn’t heard from Buckeyes Boy when I was out with Tina so I headed home just before 10. I assumed that he had decided not to go out or else I would’ve heard from him. My assumptions were proven wrong, though, when I got off the elevator on my floor. The air was filled with the aroma of Buckeyes Boy’s cologne.

“I just missed him!” I thought to myself. “That fucker didn’t even call me!”

Sure enough, I went inside, and he was gone. I called Tina with tears streaming down my eyes.

“This is ridiculous! I take care of his ass all night and now he’s out with friends who don’t know that I even exist and he doesn’t even let me come along for a drink?!?”

“You need to sit down and talk to him,” Tina said.

I agreed with her, but I also wondered if talking to him would even register. He always belittled my attempts to talk about our relationship problems, or he would deflect the conversation to make me feel like I was in the wrong, jealous and insecure.

As the clock went from 10pm to 2am, I got progressively more upset. I thought about telling him to pack his stuff up, call his sister, and get out of my place. I thought about leaving his stuff outside my apartment door. But, I realized that he would be coming home after a night of drinking and that wasn’t the right time to get into a relationship discussion or end things so abruptly.

When Buckeyes Boy got back, he was buzzed and clearly had no idea that I might be mad at him. I just kissed him hello and went back to bed. In the morning, he was Mr. Friendly as he got ready for work, thanking me for taking care of him and telling me how much fun he had the previous evening.

Buckeyes Boy: I don’t think I can go out tonight since the event will be a late one, but maybe Monday night? [I nod my head.] I know that you wanted to go out before I leave for Georgia, and I definitely want to do that.

Me: Okay.

We walked out of the apartment building, and after I kissed him and went on my way with Nutter, I found myself rolling my eyes. In contrast with the past month, I wasn’t sad anymore. As I continued around Rock Creek Parkway, I tried to figure out why. My call with AP had me thinking:

I’ve been putting my goal on hold for Buckeyes Boy. And, I had to ask myself if he was worth doing that for.

“What goal?” you might be asking.

Being a Mom. I had told myself in 2008 that if two things happened in 2009 (I moved into a 2-bedroom apartment, and my health was stable), I would start the process to adopt an older child in 2010. Both of those important pieces were in place, but now, with Buckeyes Boy on the scene, I was putting his needs and goals before mine.

I decided to ride it out with Buckeyes Boy for six more weeks to see if he stepped up. If things didn’t markedly change by the time 2010 rolled around (and yes, I knew that I needed to play a role in standing up for myself), then the Ball in Times Square wasn’t the only thing that would be dropped.

The light bulb

My game of Chutes and Ladders with Buckeyes Boy continued. There seemed to be a direct correlation between his work schedule, his mood and his health. When he didn’t have a day off all week, he was exhausted, sick and not the nicest guy to be around. We would still talk and have sex, but the overwhelming stress of his job sucked the life and the light out of him. He got his dream job, but at what price? Could he continue at this pace? Could we?

Around election time in November 2009, Buckeyes Boy asked me a question about local politics. I was in the zone, working on my thesis, so I just answered his question briefly.

Buckeyes Boy: Don’t you even know what’s going on in your own city? I need to get you more involved in politics.

I just looked at him and shrugged. A few days later, I relayed the story to my friend, Nicole, and her big, beautiful brown eyes got so wide that she looked like a deer in headlights.

Nicole [laughing hysterically]: Is he kidding? You must have really kept quiet the past few months.

I thought about her comment, and realized that she was right. I had kept quiet about a lot. Buckeyes Boy is a smart guy, and he respects my intellect, but I had been downplaying my accomplishments and intelligence around him. It was odd for me to realize how I had made myself so deferential to him that he didn’t even know that I had come to DC for a Political Science Internship, let alone how many protests and marches in which I had participated.

All that changed, however, when he brought up a topic relating to my specific field of practice. I launched into a 30-minute diatribe about the flaws with our legal system and current policies. He listened and asked follow-up questions, but I sensed that he was surprised. I also realized that I had been “dumbing myself down” around Buckeyes Boy. I needed to stop doing that and find a way to be supportive of him without dismissing my own strengths and accomplishments.

The week before Thanksgiving, Buckeyes Boy had to work 80 hours without a day off, which took a toll on him and us. I tried to focus on how the glass was half-full. But, I became rather salty when I saw on Twitter that: 1) he had given Susan a tour of his office; and 2) he went out with friends for drinks after work without letting me know in advance. For me, that was a Double Whammy!

He could tell I was upset at him when he came home, but he didn’t know why.

Me: Really? There’s nothing you did today that might upset me. (And, yes, that was totally the passive-aggressive way to approach the matter.)

Buckeyes Boy: [Pause.] Oh, that Susan came to the Convention Center?

Me: Ya think?!?

Buckeyes Boy: Well, she was down there. What was I supposed to do?

Me: I don’t mind you having lunch with your friends or showing them around. But, I had told you before that it’s important to me that your friends know I exist and that I see your office before other girls do.

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: She was down there for work! What does it matter who I show around my office?

Me: I could see if we hadn’t talked about this before, but we did. This matters to me. And, how do you think it makes me feel to find this all out on Twitter?

Buckeyes Boy: You are so jealous!

Me: No. I’m not jealous of you being friends with other girls. It just makes me feel like you don’t care about me when I tell you something and you don’t appreciate where I’m coming from. I get that people are down near your office. I just don’t get why you wouldn’t show me around before other girls when we talked about this.

Buckeyes Boy: This doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t like this at all! And, Susan’s the person you should least be worried about! What about the other girls who I’ve shown around the office who didn’t Tweet about it?

(I could tell that he was just trying to get under my skin with that one so I didn’t directly respond to that. I know the girls to whom he was referring, but the girls weren’t the problem here.)

Me: I don’t care that you have friends who are girls and that you spend time with them. I care about the fact that I’m trying to be a part of your world like you are a part of mine, and you won’t let me in. You make me feel like I’m asking you for these outlandish things, when I’m asking for very little! [I’m crying enough by this point that I need to get a tissue.] Remember how you told me about your girl in Charlotte and how you had a relationship of convenience? [Pause.] Is that how you see me?

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: That’s ridiculous! I can’t believe that you would use my past against me! What if I went on your blog and asked you about whether you were cheating on me because you cheated on other guys in the past?

(Technically, I was the other woman, not the cheater, but I decided not to argue about semantics.)

Me: Go on my blog if you want! I haven’t been with anyone since Lawyer Boy other than you, and I’ve already written posts about how I feel things for you that I’ve never felt for anyone before. I just need to know that you feel the same about me.

Buckeyes Boy: I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. If I didn’t want to be with you, I would tell you.

Our tones and words softened, and we kissed and made up. He told me that he wanted to have me come to the Convention Center after the holiday. That made me smile, but I still wasn’t comfortable with our exchange. When we fought, I always ended up apologizing for being insecure or for upsetting him. I was the submissive one in all aspects of our relationships, even when he was in the wrong or when I was asking him for things that are normal in an adult relationship.

After our conversation, I went outside to walk Nutter and called my friend, Julie. She said:

You are one of the most loving and generous people I know. You have the biggest heart, and always try to make everyone else happy. You deserve someone who appreciates how wonderful you are and who will try to make you as happy as you make him. You keep telling me that you love him, but lately, you’re always in tears when you talk about him. When was the last time he did anything nice for you?

Me: Umm. [Pause.] I don’t know. [Pause.] Going to dinner? Of course, I was the one who had to pay and then he got more parking tickets. When he came home early so we could watch Love Actually? [Pause.] Yeah, it’s been a while.

Julie: Now when was the last time you did something nice for him?

Me: [Pause.] A few hours ago. (I had made sure that I had his favorite Shiraz and cupcakes in for when he got home from work.) He shouldn’t get points for being nice 10 days ago, huh?

Julie: You deserve someone who will be good to you.

Me: I know that. I just need to get up the strength to tell him that.

The following day, I talked to several more friends about my relationship with Buckeyes Boy. The general consensus was that he didn’t appreciate me and that he was taking advantage of my generosity. After hearing that from five friends in one day, a light bulb went off in my head.

Buckeyes Boy needed to step up. Things were going to have to change.

I’m a 1950s housewife!

I am giver. A nurturer. I take care of the people in my life. How did those qualities manifest themselves when Buckeyes Boy went back to work in October 2009? I turned into a housewife from the 1950s.

When Buckeyes Boy arrived home from work, I would offer to hang up his jacket and ask him what he wanted to drink. As I poured his beer or wine, I would place cupcakes or cookies on a plate for him to eat. (If I had an apron and blonde hair, you might wonder if I was June Cleaver!)

One of my friends visited us for a weekend and observed how Buckeyes Boy and I interact. He commented to his boyfriend that he was a bit taken aback by our relationship. According to his boyfriend, he was surprised that “a strong woman like [City Girl] would act so subservient.”

(“Subservient” definitely has negative connotations. It makes me happy to make the people I love happy so I don’t see being a caregiver as an obligation, but rather a privilege. Yes, I have very nontraditional views about sex, but when it comes to relationships, I’m actually very traditional. I try to date guys who appreciate both sides of my personality and who respect that I choose to care for them. I like to be a wanna-be porn star in the bedroom, but I’m comfortable being subservient or deferential in other personal settings. Putting myself in your shoes as a reader, though, I understand if I’m catching you off guard.)

So, Buckeyes Boy worked 12-hour days and was lucky if he got one day off a week. He might not eat anything until dinnertime at which point he rushed to grab something quick before whatever event was being held that night at the Convention Center. When he came home at 10pm, he was exhausted, yet needed time to unwind. By the time he fell asleep, it was 2 or 3am and then he had to wake up at 8am.

The combination of lack of sleep, poor diet and long hours caused Buckeyes Boy to be sick — a lot. More often than not, he would arrive home with a headache, sore throat or an upset stomach. Or, we would be watching TV and he would fall asleep sitting up while listening to a Pod Cast. I did what I could to help him feel better by getting him tea with honey…or Motrin…or Imodium…or a pillow. I empathize when someone I care about is sick, and my nurturing side kicks into overdrive when my man is the patient.

Buckeyes Boy would thank me after I helped him out in any regard, but the following conversation warmed my heart:

“I’ve never met anyone like you,” Buckeyes Boy said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“A lot of people say they love you or they care about you, but you don’t just say it. You show it. All the time,” he explained.

“Of course I do. I don’t want you to forget that for a minute, and it makes me happy to make you happy,” I told him.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me,” he said as he moved in for a kiss.

I kissed him back and smiled to myself. June Cleaver would be proud!

A 2nd great date

September 2009

My first date with Buckeyes Boy was amazing! I knew that I was attracted to him physically from the moment that I laid eyes on him, but I didn't expect that we would have such a strong emotional connection!

After he left my place to meet his sister, I heard from him later in the afternoon. He said that he was stuck in a heated family discussion at his family's place in Maryland, but that he would come back to DC as soon as he could. I texted him that if he wanted to stay over, we could head out to Northern Virginia to watch football at my friends' house the next day. He said that he would love to! *Sigh*

(Oh, and if you know me in real life or through my blog, you realize that my friends are my family. I rarely – as in, three relationships in 21 years – let guys I'm dating interact with my friends. My friends were thus shocked when I asked if I could bring a guy over to their house. I sensed their surprise, and just said that Buckeyes Boy was different…and special.)

Buckeyes Boy made it to my apartment at 9:30pm. I smiled when he walked through the door, but my big cheesy grin didn't do justice to how I felt. My toes tingled, my heart beat fast, and I had to restrain myself from not jumping up and down! Yes, I was that happy to see him!

Since it was late, we decided not to go out to dinner. I heated up some food that I had in the fridge, and we did almost the same thing that we did the night before. We talked. We laughed. We watched some college football. We connected. Oh, and, we kissed until our lips were sore ;). (I never realized how much I was into biting until Buckeyes Boy came along.)

He told me about the family issues that were going on, and they reminded me a lot of the problems that I've had with my Dad since my Mom died. This was only our second date, and yet I felt like we could — and were — talking about anything and everything with each other. This was unique for me!

Buckeyes Boy and I joked about what we would say when people asked how we met, and that meeting on an online dating site might garner more approval than the truth. I practiced saying, "We met at a Twitter charity event," a few times without laughing, but to no avail.

We both commented how thankful we were that: 1) he had come from Toronto to DC to spend time with his family and decided to volunteer at the event; and 2) I didn't end up going out with my friends that night and instead chose to go to the event to support Miriam's Kitchen and promote my blog. And, being the dork that I am, I let Buckeyes Boy know that he had me at Twestival!

After 1am, we headed into the bedroom. I wanted to have sex with him, but I knew that it was better to wait at least a little bit. And, thankfully, Buckeyes Boy respected that. It was an added bonus that all of that making out was hot enough to tide us over for a while.

The next morning, we stayed in bed late, kissing, snuggling and talking. This all just felt so right, and I felt so much for him so quickly. It seemed surreal, and yet, it wasn't. We were here…together! And, all those trite expressions:

You just haven't met the right one yet;

Love will find you when you least expect it/aren't looking for it; and

When it's right, you'll know…

Suddenly. Made. Sense!

A GREAT first date

September 2009

I went to bed after the Twestival with a huge smile on my face because of Buckeyes Boy. Eight hours later, I woke up and found that I was still thinking about him! I hadn't felt this excited about a new guy in a very long time!

I sat down at my laptop to write a blog post about how it felt to selectively come out to people as a relationship and sex blogger for the first time at the Twestival. I also included a paragraph about meeting Buckeyes Boy, our instant connection, and how I felt a bit unsettled about the fact that I gave him the business card with my blog info on it two minutes after meeting him.

After I finished the post, I e-mailed it to Buckeyes Boy. Twenty minutes later, my phone rang, and he was on the other line! [Insert giddy schoolgirl squeal here.] We talked for almost two hours, as we kept getting to know each other.

Me: So…did you have a chance to read the post I sent you?

Buckeyes Boy: Yeah, I really liked it and think you brought up a lot of great points about the double standard when it comes to sex. And, you're right! We all have pasts. At our age, that shouldn't be a big deal.

Me: I totally agree. And, in case you were wondering, the great guy I met last night was you!

Buckeyes Boy: I wasn't sure, but I was hoping that it was.

Me: Did you read anything else?

Buckeyes Boy: A few things, but I didn't spend much time on there. Robitussin! [We start cracking up since that's a line from one of my blow job posts.]

I didn't have any set plans that night, but I didn't want to seem like the dorky girl who was going to stay home and work on her thesis on a Friday night. I decided to risk that, though, since I really wanted to see him!

Me: What are you up to later?

Buckeyes Boy: I don't have anything planned. What are you going to do?

Me: I was just going to have pizza and watch American Gangster. Wanna come over and join me?

Buckeyes Boy: Yeah, I'd like that.

Buckeyes Boy arrived at my place at around 9pm. I felt so happy around him and loved how easily our conversation flowed.

I asked him more about his family and learned that his Mom had passed away when he was 25.

Me: I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how tough that is. My Mom died when I was 24.

To summarize a conversation that lasted over 20 minutes:

Buckeyes Boy: She and I were very close. She was my best friend and my biggest supporter. Things changed a lot after she passed away. [I nod with understanding since my family went through the same thing.] And, I can't imagine that my Mom will never meet my wife…that she'll never know my children.

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and gave him a huge hug.

Me: I feel exactly the same way. If you love someone that much, there's never a day that goes by in which you are okay with it. You just try to deal with it as best as you can.

We later talked about what a huge connection it was to have both lost our moms at the same age and to grieve and remember them in the same way. I was caught off guard by that because I have never met a guy who was so emoting and who could empathize with how I feel about having lost my Mom. Buckeyes Boy got it, though! And, because of that, I felt like he could really get me!

After we finished eating, we moved to the couch, and the subject of my blog came up again.

Me: I do kind of regret giving you my blog card. I feel pretty vulnerable that you have my entire relationship history at your disposal!

Buckeyes Boy: Don't worry too much about that! I want to learn about you from you, not through your posts. That's why I didn't read that much today. The only post I read closely was the one about you.

Me: Really? That makes me feel better. As we spend more time with each other, I'm sure I'll share more with you, but I don't want you to know intimate details about my past relationships anymore than I want to know a lot about your ex-girlfriends.

Buckeyes Boy: I understand. And, if I have anything to say about it, I'm going to be the last guy that you blog about. [I break out into a smile from ear-to-ear!]

We had kissed lightly throughout the evening, but then, Buckeyes Boy really kissed me. His kisses were unlike anything I had ever felt before. They were rougher, firmer, and involved a lot of tongue and biting. Before you think his kisses were sloppy or bad, let me clarify…the roughness was hot, the use of a lot of tongue was precise, and the biting got me wet even though his hands weren't anywhere near my jeans. We stayed on the couch making out for a while.

Me: It's getting late and I don't want you to leave. I was wondering if you'd like to spend the night, as long as it's cool if we stick with stuff above the waistline. I want to keep getting to know you before we go there.

Buckeyes Boy: [Laughs.] That would be great. [He kisses me again.]

We never watched a minute of American Gangster. At around 1am, we moved into the bedroom. We ended up staying up until 3am, talking and making out. He respected my rules and didn't even try to get in my pants. (That won him major points!) I felt safe in his arms and fell sound asleep next to him.

He awoke to a message from his sister, asking if he could join her for brunch. Buckeyes Boy and I kissed some more before we got out of bed. We both regretted that he had to leave so early, but we made plans to grab dinner and drinks later. I walked him to his car and even after he drove off, I couldn't stop smiling.

When I got back upstairs, I grabbed some breakfast and picked up the phone to call my girl, Nicole.

Me: I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think I met The One!

And another door opens

September 2009

I woke up on the morning of the 10th with a heavy heart and a few tears in my eyes. On this day last year, my girlfriend, Kiki, lost her courageous battle with leukemia. I took some time before getting out of bed to look at a photo of us, reread the last card that she had written me, and say a prayer for her and her family. I also reflected on how much I had learned about unconditional love from watching Kiki's husband sit by her bedside for 13 long and painful months.

The NFL season opener was taking place that night between the Steelers and the Titans. My friends and I didn't want Kiki's husband, a Titans fan, to be alone on the anniversary of her passing so we asked if he wanted to join us for the game. He had already made plans with his in-laws so I ended up buying a ticket to the DC Twestival.

(If you aren't familiar with Twestivals, they serve as a way to connect members of the Twitter community offline for a social event and fundraiser. All proceeds from DC's Twestival went to Miriam's Kitchen, a wonderful organization that also happens to be the first place I volunteered at when I moved to DC.)

I decided that I would go to the Twestival as City Girl, thereby choosing to out myself to people as a relationship and sex blogger for the first time. I thought I would build a little blog buzz, contribute money to a great cause, and make it home by the second half of the game. Little did I know as I showed up at Midtown Loft for the event that a date that brought me so much sorrow last year would bring me so much happiness this year!

When I arrived at the Twestival, I scanned the crowd in search of familiar faces. I saw a friend from law school and his girlfriend in one corner of the room. I saw a reporter I had befriended online near the DJ booth. And, then I saw him…Buckeyes Boy.

He was one of the Twestival organizers, and I had been following him on Twitter for the past couple of weeks. His online picture caught my eye because his smile could light up a room, but his headshot didn't do him justice!

Imagine 6'3", 245, with skin like café au lait and arms so big that I could only hope to get tickets to the gun show. (It was like I went into a lab and created the perfect guy for me, and *poof* there he was!) His pale pink shirt exuded confidence, but his smile and laugh revealed a friendly and genuine side.

Before I could head over and say hello to Buckeyes Boy, my friend from law school approached me. I caught up with him for a while and then met several new people. After about an hour on the one side of the lounge, I finally walked toward Buckeyes Boy.

"Hi," I said as I extended my hand to him, "I'm City Girl."

"Hi," he replied, "I'm Buckeyes Boy."

"I just wanted to congratulate you and the other organizers. It's great that this night is such a success and raised so much money for Miriam's Kitchen."

"Thanks," he responded. He smiled at me warmly, but I could tell from his expression that he was trying to place me.

"I have a blog, and we're Twitter friends, but I only have a picture of the back of my head on the site. I figured I would introduce you to the front of my head," I told him with a laugh.

His smile widened, as he registered who I was.

"I write about relationships and sex, but I'm also an attorney so I have to blog anonymously. Don't want to jeopardize my career," I explained, as I handed him a business card with my blog information on it.

We talked for a while about my blog, the Twestival and the football game (he's a Steelers fan) before he looked up and said,

"Your hair is beautiful! The way the light is shining on it…there's this glow around you. Did you just get it done?"

"Yeah, I did. Thanks," I replied, blushing.

I felt like I could spend the entire evening just talking to him, but a part of me thought that I should mingle a bit.

"Would you like to sit down?" Buckeyes Boy asked.

"I should probably go network a little more, but I'll be back," I informed him.

"I hope so."

I had started to walk away, but turned back to smile at him and say, "Oh, I'll be back. Definitely."