dating

Who pays for dates?

TGIFormspring?!? It’s time to answer a reader’s question:

What's your recommendation when it comes to paying for dates? I get the first, the second, but if you are into a guy, is there a point when you should offer to pay (or at least pay for half) so that you don't seem like a gold digger?

Answer: This is a great question! It might be easier to solve the Riddle of the Sphinx than figure out who should pay for a date, though. In a discussion a few weeks ago with friends at Lincoln, several women were adamant that a guy should pay all of the time, unless the female was taking the guy out to celebrate a special occasion. They reasoned that the guy wants to feel useful and show that he's a good provider. One man in the group adamantly disagreed, viewing this as a feminist issue. In his opinion, the cost of dates should be split 50/50 to ensure an equal power dynamic.

I posed variations of your question on Formspring, and the general consensus was that whoever asks the other person out on a date should pay. A few women chimed in that they hope that the man pays for the first date as a sign of his genuine interest, but then the person who does the asking should pay. A male friend commented offline that he feels like there are women who expect the guy to always pay for dates, and that it’s nice to have the woman pay for an evening once in a while.

For most of my dating life, I’ve been the type of woman to offer to pay, but yet I judge a guy a bit if he allows me to pay for half of the bill. (I think some of that has to do with the fact that I don’t drink so if the bill is split, then I end up paying more than my share. But, I don’t want to squabble on a first date over $5 or $10, and I had viewed this as a feminist issue.)

I’ve changed that mode recently, though. I've realized that when I’ve truly cared about a guy, I’ve always invested more in the relationship in every sense of the word. I’m not interested in repeating that pattern again. Initially, I’d like to be courted a bit, and then if I make it to a fourth or fifth date with a new man, I’ll take him out somewhere nice. I’m not offering to pay my way, but rather just saying thank you in person and later by text. (For those who are wondering, these guys asked me out so it does follow the notion of “Whoever asks should pay.”) I feel more comfortable in this mode than I felt offering to go dutch.

Since your question assumed that the guy will pay for the first two dates, I think you can ask him out or arrange a fun evening for the two of you in your first month of dating and then pay for that date. It's worth noting that a woman who expects a man who asks her out to pay for the date isn’t a gold digger. Most guys will be able to sense if a woman is trying to take advantage of him because of his money, as those traits will often exhibit themselves in other arenas beyond who pays for dinner at the end of the night.

If you have the expectation that the guy will be paying for the first few dates (and that’s not necessarily the wrong expectation to have, depending on who does the asking), there will be some level of comfort between you two after several dates. It’s possible to ask at that point how he feels about the “Who should pay on a date” issue. Likewise, you’ll know more about his general financial situation and whether it makes sense for you to contribute more when you’re together. (If he’s in graduate school and you have a steady job, you might be more inclined to contribute more than if you’re making significantly less than he is. If he makes significantly more than you do, then my male friend's idea of taking him out now and then should be especially well-received.)

Based on Facebook comments, people are very passionate about this issue.

So, folks, how do you deal (or how have you dealt when you were dating) with the issue of “Who pays?” What suggestions would you give this reader?

A bad first time

It’s Hump Day so let’s tackle a sex question from a reader:

My boyfriend thinks since the first time we had sex was awkward, it means we may not be sexually compatible. His thoughts are causing issues in the relationship, as I'm very sexual, and it’s made our recent re-attempts for sex awkward, too. How can I tell him to relax?

Answer: Thanks for your question! I think this issue is fairly common since there’s a lot of pressure placed on relationship “firsts.” The first date, the first kiss, the first time you have sex and the first vacation are all supposed to be perfect. The reality is, though, that nothing and no one are truly perfect in life or love. Given that this was your first time with your boyfriend, the awkwardness might have just stemmed from first time jitters.

It’s a good sign that you and your boyfriend are communicating, even if that communication has temporarily caused the sexual dynamic between you two to be uncomfortable. It’s important to continue communicating about your likes and dislikes – in and out of the bedroom – to get over this hump. If you’re a sexual person, then it shouldn’t be too difficult to figure out what he enjoys and the techniques and pace he prefers.

Likewise, I think it’s okay to acknowledge that every time you both have sex won’t be amazing. Factors such as sleep, stress, physical health, age, emotional health, time of day, alcohol consumption and medicinal side effects may all play a role in sex drive and sexual performance.

By your use of the term, “boyfriend,” you both appear to have made a commitment to each other prior to engaging in sex. I don’t know how long you have been dating, but the fact that you took your time to have sex until after a solid connection was formed says something about what you and your boyfriend value. Focus on what drew you to each other in the first place and try to replicate those activities on your next dates. Vary the place, positions and time of day when you have sex. Try it with or without alcohol or ambiance. Bring a fun book of different positions, adult video or Kama Sutra kit into the bedroom. You can even take a step back and just please each other orally before attempting to have vaginal sex again.

I would focus less on the fact that he needs to relax and more on the fact that you both need to be open and accepting of the other person. Sexually compatibility is a skill that can be improved upon with desire and communication. View this as a minor problem that you both can tackle head on together!

I don’t know the details of your relationship beyond what you included in the question so I wonder how old you and your boyfriend are. Priorities for people (typically, but not exclusively, boys) in high school and college may be different than those adults who are looking for something solid and long-term. If you fall in this age group and are looking for a relationship that isn’t just based on sexual compatibility, let your boyfriend’s words and actions be your guide as to whether he is on the same page as you are.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Anything to add, readers?

Have a question for me? Ask me anything anonymously on Formspring!

“O” face

Let’s start the week off with a question from Formspring!

Question: My wife does not have an orgasm when I go down on her. She’s told me she likes it, but it only relaxes her. When I was dating, not like I had a line out the door, but I managed to tongue until “O” with the women I performed cunnilingus on. Thoughts?

Answer: Thanks for your question! It sounds like you truly care for your wife and her sexual health, which says a lot about your relationship. The fact that you’re already communicating about your sex lives openly also bodes well for getting down to the heart of the matter (slight pun intended).

If you can, try not to compare your wife to the women you dated before her. There will always be someone who did [fill in the blank] better or more, or someone with whom you had more or less sexual chemistry. Comparisons can often serve as a distraction from really working through an issue in your current relationship. Remember that unlike any other woman you dated in the past, this is your wife. You love each other enough to have made that level of commitment to each other so view this as but a miniscule bump in a long road together.

Since you’ve already opened the lines of communication with your wife, I would continue doing so at a time when you aren’t rushed and sex isn’t expected. I would also broach this topic gently with kind words and reassuring body language (holding her hand or putting your arm around her back, for example).

Have you asked her if she has achieved orgasm before? Not all women have. If she has reached orgasm from other activities before, has she been able to orgasm from oral alone? Have you asked her what, if anything, you can do to help her orgasm?

If she’s never reached orgasm by herself or with a partner, I would suggest buying her a small toy and encouraging her to spend some quality time with herself on her own. (My advice to women in search of their first orgasm is in this post.) Then, when she feels comfortable, you can join in on the fun.

If she can reach orgasm from oral sex, it’s worth finding out what works for her. Are either of you feeling rushed because of stress, other obligations or fatigue? If so, can you both make an effort to find a better time to be intimate with each other? Does she need a lot of foreplay before you focus on her clit? Does she need more fantasy or a certain romantic mood to be set? Do slow strokes or fast strokes work better for her? Does she like her pussy or ass to be simultaneously stimulated? If so, does she prefer a finger or two or a small toy? I’ve written posts about going down (or staying down, as I prefer to call it) on a woman before, and this one in particular might provide some helpful tips.

On the chance that your wife is unable to orgasm at all, gently guide her toward asking her gynecologist for a referral to a doctor that deals with sexual health issues. 16% of women suffer from vaginal pain conditions, and these conditions significantly limit their ability to enjoy sex. (I’m including oral sex in this category, although each woman is different.) Endometriosis can also make it difficult to reach orgasm. Or, there might be emotional issues that she’s dealing with or unable to process that require the assistance of a therapist.

Without knowing your home life, some women who are juggling careers and family have indicated to me that sex is the last thing on their minds. (I’ve had more than one reader comment that at the end of a long day, she just wants a little help with the children, a glass of wine and a bubble bath.) If it’s been tough for you both to prioritize yourselves as a couple, take some time to do that. Check out my tips to reconnecting with your partner.

Whatever happens, good luck to you and your wife and please keep me posted.

Okay, readers, did I miss anything?

Have a relationship, adult toy or sex question for me? Ask me anything on Formspring like this reader did! xoxo

Transitioning from friends to…

With the opening of Friends With Benefits, it seemed only fitting to answer this question from a reader via Formspring:

How do you transition from friendship to more than that ;)? I’m friends with this boy, and I don’t know how to try and change the vibe because I'd like to be more than friends. Any tips?

Based on how you phrased the question, I'm assuming that you're interested in dating your friend, rather than just something physical. Have you thought about:

How much you rely on this guy as a friend?
If you lost the friendship completely or it became awkward to be around him, is that worth the risk of trying to transition to more than friends?
What’s the best possible outcome in the short or long term? What’s the worst?

There’s no right or wrong answer to those questions, but you need to be prepared as best as you can for all possible options. Is the chance to be with this guy worth the risk of losing him in your life completely?

If the benefits outweigh the risks or it’s becoming difficult to hide your feelings, then think about what he’s said about relationships and figure out how you can change up your normal routine. Some ideas and questions to consider:

1. Is he open to being in a relationship right now? Does he talk to you about other girls or what he is looking for? Is he hung up on an ex? Has it always been just platonic between you two or was there ever any flirtation?

Answering those questions might help you figure out how best to proceed. If he’s still getting over an ex-girlfriend, I might wait to broach the subject. If there was a time when he was flirtatious with you, then I might be more inclined to let him know how you feel.

2. How do you two normally interact? Try to change your routine in a manner that makes it more conducive for the relationship to naturally evolve into something as more than friends.

If you’re used to just working out together or watching DVDs, what if you suggest getting dinner one evening at a quiet restaurant? If you typically socialize with friends at a bar or lounge, what if you offer to cook for him at your place?

If you two interact one or twice in a different mode, does he seem more inclined to go down the dating path? If so, then I might wait to say something for a little bit. If not, then it might be worth proceeding to #3 and actually saying something to him.

3.Talk to him. It’s not always easy to share your feelings with someone, but you’ll never know how he feels unless you do so. On an evening when you aren’t drunk, rushed or around other people, tell him in your own words:

Your friendship is really important to me. But, lately, I’ve started to wonder what it would be like to be more than friends. Have you ever thought about that, too?

Think about how you’ll respond if he says “yes” or “no.” Can you still be friends with him if he doesn’t want to date you? If he’s interested in being more than friends with you, what do you hope for next? If he seems completely caught off guard, let him know that you can talk about this another time because it's not urgent. (It might feel pressing at the time, but it really isn't.) Likewise, if the conversation becomes awkward, you can let him know that you don't need to figure this all out at once and then change the topic. If the guy is interested in more, he'll make a move or bring it up at a later time.

Regardless of the outcome, be proud of yourself for being honest and going after what you want!

Thanks for the great question and let me know how it goes! xoxo

So, readers, did I miss anything?

What I’m looking for in a partner

A year ago this week, I met Mr. Agency. A few days later, we grabbed drinks together. A year ago this week, Best Boy spent the night at my place for the first time ever and told me:

You’ve gotten in my head.

As July turned to August, I had two minor surgeries to remove the two cancerous areas in my right breast. That same week, I began sleeping with Best Boy and snuggling with Mr. Agency. A month later, I started having sex with Mr. Agency.

As I look back on the past year, cancer has taken center stage in my life. Treatment came first, and I placed everything and everyone else on the back burner. I've tried to convey that as best as I could on this blog, but at its core, this site is about dating, sex and relationships, not cancer. Ninety percent of the time the boys in my life were welcome diversions and provided a little help when I needed both of those things.

Upon the end of radiation, I started to think about the next stage of my life and what I wanted for myself personally and professionally. I’ll talk more about what’s next for me professionally in a subsequent post, but I’ll focus on the guys in this one.

Raise your hand if you’re tired of reading about Best Boy and Mr. Agency.

You can put your hand down now.

Who's in the lead? Who cares?

See, I got to the point where I was tired of them, too. During surgery and chemotherapy, Best Boy was the one guy that I could count on completely. And, then during radiation, that changed. I'm the first to admit that our story might have had a different ending if I hadn't chosen Mr. Exec, Mr. Agency and Philly Matt over him. What if I had realized what a great, caring guy Best Boy was sooner than I did? I wonder…

At the end of the day, though, Best Boy wants to focus on his career and move overseas. I want to stay in DC and have a family. Neither path is wrong, but those paths are mutually exclusive.

Mr. Agency and I fed off of our sexual chemistry for a while, and then we would get in a fight…until we made up and had sex again…and got in a fight again. Did we reconnect again? Of course. But, our interest in and expectations from each other had changed so our interactions have been calm.

Where does that leave me a year later?

Well, I’m friends with both of them. They’re not bad guys. (In fact, Mr. Agency and I actually talk more now than when we were sleeping together.) They’re just not the right guys for me at this stage.

For the overwhelming majority of my life, I’ve chosen passion over partnership. I was the girl who loved to date self-absorbed workaholics and craved the rush of never knowing what would happen next. But, I’m not the same girl I was a year ago. And, that’s a good thing. A very good thing!

I’ve thankfully had more passion than most people will have in a lifetime. Now, I’ve realized that I’d rather have the right partner or be unattached than be in an ambiguous or predominately sexual relationship.

“How do you define the right partner, City Girl?” you might be wondering.

I’m looking for a man who:

Values his health and the health of his loved ones;
Enjoys sports, dining out, helping others and relaxing in front of the television;
Believes in some higher power;
Is emotionally secure enough to lean on me and communicate with me;
Inspires me;
Prioritizes sexual health. (There still needs to be some level of attraction and chemistry here, people);
Is professionally stable and not interested in moving in the near future;
Gets certain things without me asking him. (I'm fine with folding his laundry or putting the toilet seat down. I'm not fine with having to ask a guy to take time off of work when I'm in the hospital or to get me ginger ale or walk my dog when I'm sick); and
Wants to be a father within the next four years and won’t be the kind of guy who expects extra points or kudos on Facebook for staying home alone with his kid(s) or taking his child to the pediatrician.

I don’t NEED a partner, but I’m truly open for the first time in a long while to having one.

I’d rather be bald!

When I went to the Infusion Room last month, the nurses all looked at me with surprise and excitement.

Nurse: Your hair is growing so fast!

Me: I know.

Manager: It looks great.

Me: Thanks! But, I’d rather be bald than have short hair.

And, I honestly would. I appreciate that an overwhelming majority of women feel differently from me on this issue, but I’m always going to be upfront about my views.

I’ve received compliments on my hair from friends and strangers. To my friends, I respond:

Thanks! I hate it, though.

Friends: You do? I think it highlights your face and looks sexy! Why don’t you like it?

Me: It’s not me. When I was bald, no one assumed that I chose that look. With short hair, people think I did. I like short hair on other people, but I don't like it on me. Never have. My long hair is part of my identity.

When strangers ask me where I get my hair cut, I reply:

Umm…this is from chemo.

They look at me with worry in their eyes, and I assure them that I wasn’t offended in the slightest by their comment.

Me: No worries! I appreciate the compliment. (Hey, I've never denied being vain.)

But, I still don’t look in the mirror or at photographs of myself and see me. It might be my mind’s way of coping with a change over which I've had no control, or it might be that I don’t consider my recuperation finished until my old long locks are back.

The goal is this:

Photo Credit: Guest of a Guest at Hudson Restaurant

But, I promise to stop rolling my eyes and whining when my hair reaches my shoulders. For those of you who know me, do you really see me with a modern pixie or a soccer mom bob? Really? It's going to be a rough two years between my current Sheena Easton 'do and long hair!

Since this post is all about what I’m missing, I’ll also add eyelashes and fingernails into the mix. My eyelashes had finally started growing back, but I lost half of them last week taking my mascara off. And, just this week – more than SIX months after my last round of chemotherapy, my last dead fingernail fell off. I never imagined that losing fingernails would be so painful, but it still hurts a bit to type or text.

There are many things that I will never take for granted again. Ponytails, frizz, long lashes and healthy nails are all high on that list!

Thanks for indulging me during my Cancer-versary Week! I’ll get back to dating stories, product reviews and sex advice posts tomorrow. xoxo

How to talk to your partner about health issues

Talking about dinner, work, children, money and household responsibilities with a partner is commonplace. But, for many couples, it’s not as easy to discuss personal health issues.

If you are dealing with a medical concern, how can you address the matter with your significant other?

If your health issue is a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) or HIV/AIDS, your partner could also be directly affected. He or she will need to get tested, and you both will need to practice safe sex at all times. As such, you should broach this matter as soon as possible. Ask your doctor, counselor or support group for ideas and literature to help guide your conversation.

If your health condition is not of the type that can be sexually transmitted, is now the right time to bring this topic up with your significant other? Consider the length of time you’ve been in a relationship and the level of openness you and your partner have. (You might not want to talk about a digestive or reproductive problem with a new partner or a significant other who never discusses normal bodily functions.) It’s perfectly fine to wait to address the matter, as long as: 1) you aren’t lying to your partner; and 2) you don’t need your significant other’s support at this time.

Before you talk to your partner, it will help if you’ve reached a level of acceptance surrounding your condition. (No one likes health problems, but it will be easier for you to discuss it after you’ve processed some of your feelings.) You might find it valuable to write about the experience and accompanying emotions in a journal or blog, join a support group, talk to friends who have dealt with health issues, or meet with a counselor or clergy.

Once you feel more comfortable with your situation, how should you proceed?

1. Prepare your talking points beforehand. Write down notes or review how you will address the conversation in your head prior to actually bringing it up with your partner;

2. Consider your significant other’s frame of reference to help guide the discussion. Has your partner had his or her own health problems? Is your significant other a compassionate individual? Has anyone in his or her life had a medical condition? If so, how did he or she react?

3. Once you determine your significant other’s frame of reference, try to put yourself in his or her shoes. Will your partner think that you are addressing this matter to look for his or her specific help? What can your significant other do to support you as you deal with this? Will your partner be concerned about whether your condition is contagious, is all in your head, or will limit your ability to enjoy your normal activities as a couple (both sexual and non-sexual)? What if this is too much for your significant other to process right away? Run through as many scenarios as you can think of and plan your responses accordingly. Seek advice or suggestions from a confidant or counselor, if you’d like;

4. Decide if it would be worth providing your partner with a medical brochure or a link to a reliable online health resource. If so, ask your doctor for a good pamphlet or search for a website with useful information about your condition;

5. Once you have processed your feelings and are prepared to have the conversation, pick a time to broach the topic when you won’t feel rushed. Don’t bring the subject up when you and your partner are in bed or naked. You don’t want to add pressure or the expectation of sex to an already stressful situation;

6. When you get into the conversation, be honest and gentile in your tone. Using your own words and style, say something like:

There’s a personal issue that I’ve wanted to talk to you about. Since we’re dating/married/in a serious relationship, I feel like it’s important for you to know that I’ve been struggling with something physically/emotionally. I have [fill in the blank].

I appreciate if this might be a lot for you to process. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have now or later, and I wrote down a website you might want to check out. I realize that you can’t fix or change this, but I just wanted to let you know because [fill in the blank with what’s applicable to you. Will you need your partner’s support or help in any way, or are you just telling him or her to be honest?].

7. Let your partner’s facial expressions and body language be the guide for how often you pause and how much detail you go into about your health condition in this first conversation. If he or she looks confused, sad or uncomfortable, it’s okay to say:

I know that I just threw a lot of information at you. We don’t need to talk about this all now. Just know I’m here if you have any questions and how thankful I am to have you in my life.

8. If your significant other does appear open to discussing your medical issue in greater detail, I advise highlighting certain points without overwhelming your partner with information. Try to focus on the basics about the condition itself, what medical help you’re received, and what specific role you see your significant other playing.

Physical and emotional health problems are a natural part of a life. There’s no need for you to feel embarrassed or ashamed about a medical condition. Talking about health issues with your partner may seem daunting, but in the majority of cases, it’s important for both you and your significant other to do so. We all deserve support from our loved ones in good times and in bad.

Routine

Two girlfriends were in DC for a conference in early February, and we gathered at Proof to eat, drink and talk about work and boys. After listening to the latest about their jobs and beaus, I updated them about my life over the past six months. As I was in the middle of telling them about Mr. Exec, Best Boy, and Mr. Agency, I received a text message from Best Boy with his typical opener:

Hey.

Given the timing, I chuckled when I saw the message come in.

Me: Best Boy’s wanting to hang tonight.

Ash: Have him come by! We want to meet him. [Lauren nods in agreement.]

Me: Okay.

I continued to finish my story, and shortly thereafter, Best Boy joined us. Lauren was discussing one of the guys she was dating, and Best Boy politely interjected to get caught up to speed.

Lauren was torn between whether she viewed this guy as a friend with benefits or someone with relationship potential. The situation became even more confusing since she occasionally did work for his company.

Me: Do you care about him as more than a friend you have sex with?

Lauren: I think so. [Pause.] Maybe. [Pause.] I just don’t know what he wants.

Best Boy, Ash and I agreed that Lauren needed to talk to the guy about their situation. As Lauren debated how best to broach the subject, Best Boy suggested that she ask him:

So…what’s our deal?

Over the next 15 minutes, Best Boy offered a variety of strategies to Lauren. I had forgotten how good he was at listening and giving advice! Lauren thanked him for his input and peppered him with a few follow-up questions. While they were engrossed in the discussion, Ash mouthed to me:

He’s awesome…and really cute! Go with him!

I shrugged my shoulders and mouthed:

We’ll see.

As Best Boy and I walked to his car, it crossed my mind that I didn’t know what OUR deal was. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted, though, so it still didn’t make sense for me to broach that subject with him.

While he was driving, I turned and kissed him on the cheek. Best Boy looked at me with a mildly confused expression on his face.

Me: Thanks. They really liked you. You’re a good guy, Mr. Best Boy. [We both smile.]

When we arrived home, we went upstairs, got ready for bed, and had sex. It wasn’t mind blowing, but it was comfortable. I had always seen routines as bad when it came to relationships, but with Best Boy, it was nice to know what to expect. I might not have known what our deal was or where this was going, but we cared about each other. That was enough for now.

How do you relay information on social networks?

On April 3, 2011, I spoke on a panel at the American University Social Learning Summit. The title of the panel was:

Where Do You Draw Your Line? Defining TMI on Social Networks.

My readers and friends know where I draw my line. I'm a sex blogger. There's very little about my dating life and relationship history that's off limits. I might use nicknames or change details that are irrelevant to the overall narrative, but for the purposes of my blog, including too much information is par for the course.

With that said, I still utilize a limited profile view for some friends on Facebook, and I blogged anonymously for two years to protect my legal career. I also continue to set boundaries as to how much personal information I share with others, depending on my goals and my audience.

I'm a big believer in listing the pros and cons of a situation, and I think that what information you put out on social networks warrants a list of its own. What are your goals for using Facebook, Twitter, a blog, LinkedIn or Foursquare? How much personal information do you share online, and who has access to it? Do your friends, family members, significant others, co-workers and clients share the same views as to what is TMI?

At the panel, I passed out a handout with these two slides on it:

How do you use social networks? What factors are important to you in deciding where to draw your line? What constitutes TMI to you?

Bah! Humbug!

As I began to wonder if Best Boy and I could be more than just good friends with benefits, I tried to gauge where he was coming from at this point in our relationship. On Thanksgiving, I sent him a text to say:

When I think of all the people I’m thankful for this year, you are high on that list. Thank you for making a very tough time so much easier on me. It means more to me than you know. xoxo

I started thinking about how frequently our relationship dynamic had changed since May. Best Boy and I were friends for a while, while I was spending time with his best friend, Mr. Exec. After my situation with Mr. Exec had ended, Best Boy and I became friends with benefits. When I started pursuing a relationship with Mr. Agency, I stopped sleeping with Best Boy. That lasted for seven weeks until it was clear that Mr. Agency wasn't able to handle anything serious or monogamous. So then, I started sleeping with Best Boy again. (Are you confused? It's my life, and I sure am!)

Throughout much of my relationship with Best Boy, I was recouping from biopsies, surgery or chemotherapy. I needed all the help and companionship that I could get, and Best Boy was there for me — a lot. Was he just there for me because we were good friends? Or, was he there for me because he had feelings for me beyond friendship? I didn't know the answers to those questions.

Dating in a traditional sense was incredibly difficult during treatment since there were weeks on end in which I didn’t feel well for a single day. If there were good days, they often occurred right before I was due to receive more chemotherapy. I wondered if it might be nice to go out on a proper date with Best Boy. I was curious how our dynamic would be if we tried to interact more like a couple. Would the comfort and caring that he had shown me so often inside my house translate if we were out in public?

After we returned from Silver Diner to satisfy my craving for Caramel French toast, I kissed Best Boy goodbye and said:

I should be feeling better starting next week. It might be nice if we went out at night for a change. Maybe Ceiba or something?

Best Boy: Okay. [Pause.] It’ll have to be next weekend, though. I have a lot of work projects and meetings this week.

Me: That’s fine with me. I should be feeling even better by then. I love having you over, but I also love going out with you. It's been too long since we've done anything beyond a little brunch. [We kiss goodbye again.]

I walked into the house with a smile on my face. Best Boy and I texted throughout the week, but the following weekend came and went without any mention from him about going out to dinner.

A few days later, Best Boy texted me, asking how chemotherapy had gone and if he could come over. I wasn't feeling well so we just watched a game on television. Best Boy talked about how much he had going on at the office so I didn’t want to disregard that it was a stressful time of year for him. I also wasn't in the mood to bring up the fact that we hadn't gone out to dinner. We feel asleep and had sex in the morning before the worst of the side effects hit.

Over the weekend, Best Boy came over again. He helped me out when I was too sick to do much of anything. I was so grateful for his help, but a part of me wondered if I had missed my opportunity to date him. Did I wait too long to realize what a great guy he was?

I wasn’t sure if I would see Best Boy over the Christmas holiday. We were both staying local, but he had a lot of family obligations that weekend. I had hoped for at least a call or text from him on December 25th, but that day came and went without him contacting me.

I had dinner with friends the night after Christmas. One friend commented how she was rooting for Best Boy.

Me: I had finally decided that I was, too! But, it might be too tough for us to transition to anything more than friends with benefits. He didn’t even wish me a Merry Christmas!

While we were out, the notification of a Facebook email from Best Boy came in on my Blackberry. The message said:

Merry Christmas! Hope you enjoyed yours to the fullest!

An email? A day after Christmas? On Facebook? Was he kidding me? I turned to my friends and told them the latest.

Me: I think there should be a rule that if you’re fucking, you should at least have to call and wish her a Merry Christmas on the day of! [My friends laugh and nod their heads in agreement.]

When I got home from dinner, I found myself more irritated than sad. I just sent Best Boy back a text that said:

A FB email?!? Really? Hope you enjoyed your Christmas. xoxo

He wrote back that he had been having problems with his cell phone. (And, yes, his Android has given him problems since he first got it.) I rolled my eyes at the text.

I had chosen Mr. Exec and Mr. Agency over Best Boy in the past. And, now I wanted to see what would happen if I just focused on my relationship with Best Boy. Had I missed out on the chance to do that?