One orgasm at a time

Earlier this month, I received this question from one of my favorite virtual friends:

How do I stop myself from essentially being “done” after one clitoral orgasm? (I can’t get off vaginally and let’s face it; I’m usually alone anyway.) My body goes limp. I’m in a state of bliss and I’m like a guy who falls asleep right away. Even if I tell myself I want to have a night of multiple orgasms, I have one and change my mind.

How do you keep yourself in the mood for an extended period of time? Also, if I’m going to follow that up with sex, I’m dry and sensitive, and it’s really uncomfortable. It sounds from your previous posts like you find sex to be better after an orgasm. But for me, it’s the opposite. My body just says, “Umm, we’re done here!” What can I do, other than lube, to help that along?


Great questions! Here are my thoughts:

1. One of my friends has an incredibly healthy sex life with her husband, and she orgasms like you do. Instead of viewing “One and Done” as a negative, she looks at it as “One! And!! Done!!!” She recognizes being spent as a very good thing. She also builds her connection with her partner by trying to time her orgasm with when her husband is going to cum.

Maybe you should try to reframe your thoughts about multiples since cumming more than once doesn’t necessarily equate with a better sexual experience. In fact, Men’s Health estimates that only 14-40% of women can achieve multiples. Although that’s a wide range, you are clearly in the majority, not the minority.

2. Have you tried waiting before you try to orgasm a second time? If you feel like you need to sleep, what if you take a nap before trying to orgasm again? Or, if you are using a sex toy, what if you wait a minute (or two or 20) to let your clit relax before you try to cum again?

3. If you are using a sex toy, rather than your fingers, try decreasing the intensity of the vibrations after you cum. You can experiment with: a) taking the toy off of your clit before bringing it back at a lower speed; and b) keeping the toy on your clit, but lowering the speed of the vibrations.

4. Try different types of sex toys — from a small toy that takes one battery to the big guns, the Hitachi Magic Wand or Homedics Massager.

I would also add a dual-purpose (vaginal and clitoral toy) to the mix. Since you haven’t cum before vaginally, I would stick with a rabbit-style product, instead of spending money on a more expensive toy. Take your time to see if you can find your G-Spot and notice how the sensations differ.

5. Does your mood or orgasmic ability change, depending on the toy you use? If you achieve a stronger orgasm with one toy over another, notice how you feel afterward. Are you more or less spent? Can you keep the toy on your clit and continue to cum?

Are there other things (candles, music, erotica literature or porn) that you can utilize to help keep you interested in the task at hand? Are you hornier at certain times during the month? (Women’s hormones peak during ovulation, which typically occurs 10-14 days after the start of your period.)

6. When you’re in a relationship next, experiment to see if you get a heightened sensation by mixing up the order of things. If sex isn’t comfortable after you cum from oral, have your man use fingers or his tongue to get you wet, but not to the point of cumming. Then, when he is inside you, use fingers or a small toy or cock ring to massage your clit. How is your orgasmic experience when you are cumming clitorally while your man is inside you?

7. There are so many types of lubrication because it’s useful! If you aren’t a fan of lube, you can also try to have your significant other wait a few minutes and then try to gently use his fingers, tongue or small toy on your clitoris and around your pussy. The goal doesn’t necessarily have to be to cum, but rather, to get you wet enough so it’s not uncomfortable for you to have sex. You might also try moving to the shower for sex after you orgasm or taking time for your body to relax while you give him a blow job as foreplay.

8. It’s worth noting that your knowledge of your body and orgasmic ability may vary with age. (There is debate within the sexual education community as to whether women really peak sexually at age 35.)

There’s no right or wrong here. Remember, though, that more doesn’t equal better. Experiment to see what turns you on and have fun with that process!

So, readers, what tips do you have for my dear virtual friend?

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