Just Call Me Carrie

I woke up on November 30, 2009, feeling confused and unappreciated. Buckeyes Boy hadn't come through yet again last night. I wanted to e-mail him, but sensed that he needed some space. He was in Maryland, having brunch with his Dad and his Dad's wife and then they were off to the Steelers-Ravens game that evening. There was a lot for us to talk about with respect to the future of our relationship, but I knew that face-to-face would be best.

I decided that if I hadn't heard from Buckeyes Boy by Monday night, I would send him an e-mail. I'm cutting and pasting what I had in my computer from that day, although this was not a letter that I ever sent:

***
Dear Buckeyes Boy,

I think back to the first month when we were together. The amount of time that we were able to spend together that month was surreal, but I don't think that the feelings that we shared were. I've realized that what I miss the most about that time wasn't the fact that we were always together (although that was really nice), but that you were so kind and loving. I never questioned how you felt about me because you always told me and showed me. I didn't hesitate to open up my heart and my home to you because I looked in your eyes and saw my future.

When you got your job, I was so excited for you. And, since then, the girlfriend in me has tried to make your life easier. To respect that you don't have a lot of free time. To respect that you also need time with your family and friends. To be there for you and take care of you as much as I can.

You told me a few weeks ago that I'm the type of person who doesn't just say how I feel, but I go above and beyond to show you how I feel. I think I've done that where you are concerned.

I guess I'm not sure what changed from your perspective. I could speculate as to what you are feeling or where you are coming from, but I can only judge you by your actions. Spending time with me and including me in on the other areas of your life clearly haven't been your priorities. And, the caring and loving side of you isn't that visible anymore. That makes me feel sad and disappointed.

I wish you would let me know what you are feeling. I will do whatever I can to make this relationship work. But, I also know that I can't be the only half of the couple making an effort. I feel like you used me when it was convenient for you, and now that you have more going on, you expect everything to happen how you want it when you want it. That is not fair to me, though, and is disrespectful of my needs and my feelings.

Last night, I really wanted to see you. If you had told me earlier that you didn't want to go out, I would have been disappointed, but I would have understood. If you had called me to let me know what was going on and let me know that we would go out soon and that you missed me, I would have also felt better.

Instead, you e-mail me at a late hour…after you had clearly made plans with your Dad…to let me know that we'll "catch up soon." We're in a relationship, and that's not cool. It also occurred to me that there have been several times in which you have been home sick or exhausted and when your friends needed you or there was a social thing going on, you rallied. And, yet, last night, when there was a reason for me to celebrate and I asked you to rally for me, you didn't. If you're wondering how that makes me feel, "less than" and "shitty" are the words that come to mind.
***

I didn't write anymore since tears were streaming down my eyes by this point. For 2 1/2 months, I had given Buckeyes Boy everything I had (emotionally, physically and financially). And, now, I was sitting at home, hoping that he would call me on the phone. How pathetic was that?

I talked with several girlfriends that day, and we all agreed that it was time for Buckeyes Boy to man up! And, as we all know, manning up if it didn't involve sex wasn't Buckeyes Boy's strong suit.

I slept soundly on Sunday night. I started to realize what I deserved and knew I needed to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with Buckeyes Boy. He had an event that night, but I figured that I would hear from him afterward.

Around lunchtime, I was online, when my phone rang. It was the billing representative from my doctor's office, calling to tell me that I had paid too much.

Billing Representative: Would you like us to send you a check for $30 or to credit your account?

Me: I don't know. Whatever you think would make sense.

Billing Representative: Well…

I was half listening since it wasn't a big deal and refreshed my computer. I clicked on the tab for Twitter and noticed that my followers had decreased by one (which happens with spam filters). But, then, I saw that I was following one less person, too.

My heart began to beat fast, and I was short of breath. My hand trembled a bit. I typed Buckeyes Boy's real name into the search box and pressed 'Enter.'

Me: Umm…I have some other stuff going on right now. Can you just credit my account?

Billing Representative: Of course. If you change your mind, just let us know.

Me: Thanks.

I was staring at my computer screen, and my body began to shake. There, under the photo of Buckeyes Boy was the box marked "Follow." And, to the right hand column of his page, I had two options: Block or Report for Spam with no option to Message him.

I picked up the phone to call Julie, even though we had just gotten off the phone an hour ago.

Julie: Hey, what's up?

Me: I think Buckeyes Boy just broke up with me…by blocking me from Twitter!!!

[Tears fill my eyes.]

Julie: Are you kidding?!? How juvenile!

Me: I think so because my followers and following both went down one. Let me check. [I scroll through the people I'm following.] I'm no longer following him. [I scroll through the people he follows, which takes a couple of minutes.] Nope. He's no longer following me either.

Julie: That's ridiculous!

Me: I know! I'm 36, and my boyfriend broke up with me ON TWITTER!!! What the fuck?!? It's like I really am Carrie Bradshaw! This is the 2009 version of the Post-It note!


For once, I wished that my life didn't make for good blogging.

Is this the end of the tale with Buckeyes Boy? Of course not. Just call me Carrie.

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