11.23.09
The end of the end (and You Wash My Back review)
May 2006
I rushed to pack up my things and board the next New Jersey Transit train from New York to Trenton. Philly Matt needed me. He was so depressed (understandably) about his bad run of professional luck that he hadn’t wanted to leave his house. When he told me that his daughter made a comment about how down he was, I felt that I should do something. We were still (sort of) boyfriend and girlfriend, and I didn’t feel comfortable leaving him to go through this all by himself.
I arrived at Trenton and sat down on a bench to call Philly Matt.
Me: Hey baby! I know that you said that you didn’t want me to come down, but I felt like you needed me so I took a train down. I just got into Trenton. Do you want to come pick me up?
Philly Matt: No. I don’t want to leave home.
Me: I could take a cab to you if that’s easier.
Philly Matt: No.
Me: Well, you don’t have to. We could just sit outside and talk, or just hang out there. I don’t think you should be alone. I’m really worried about you.
Philly Matt: Don’t be. I’ll figure things out.
Me: I know that you will. This is just a blip, and you’ll find the right job for you and be in a better place. But, it seems like you are so down and could use a friend to talk to.
Philly Matt: I don’t need to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone.
Me: So…you’re just going to let me stay here…at the Trenton train station [which is a little sketchy]…alone? You’re fine with that?
Philly Matt: Yep.
Me: Well, what if I just take a cab to your place anyway?
Philly Matt: You wouldn’t do that. You wouldn’t be disrespectful to my parents like that [he was living with his folks at the time].
Me: How is me trying to be there for their son disrespectful? I think that they would be appreciative!
Philly Matt: If you come here, I’m not letting you in and I’m telling them not to answer the door.
This went on…and on…and on…for almost two hours. If you happened to be in the Trenton train station that evening, I was the tall, pale redhead in the black Burberry jacket on her cell phone sobbing.
Philly Matt never left his house, and I never saw him. I knew when we hung up our phones that we were saying goodbye for more than that evening.
There was nothing else for me to do but get on a train to go back home to DC. I cried a lot that night, but when I awoke the following day, I felt more settled.
I couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to help himself. And, if there was any doubt as to where I stood with respect to Philly Matt, there wasn’t anymore. We were Over with a capital O!
***
Product Review*
I’m a firm believer that showers are much more fun with someone you love. It’s all about water conservation, right? There are a lot of things that I enjoy doing in the shower with Buckeyes Boy, but my favorite is washing him from head to toe and everywhere in between. I find it to be very intimate and a way to show him how much I care.
I smiled when I saw that there was a soap called, “You Wash My Back,” inside of the True Romance box of goodies I received from Lush. The soap is vegan and slightly larger than a traditional bar of soap. It is pink and brown in color, and incorporates the yin and yang shapes — for female and male duality, I assume.
The soap is designed to be divided in half so that you can take one part and your partner can take the other. Buckeyes Boy and I preferred to keep it whole and for us, that worked better. (Splitting the soap in half seemed too small to get much leverage or lather.)
Sniffing You Wash My Back wasn’t exactly pleasant, and I couldn’t sense any of the floral fragrances and essential oils inside. I normally enjoy the smell of jasmine, gardenia, bergamot, ylang ylang and rose, but the blend was too strong for my liking.
The moment that the soap mixed with water, though, the smell was fresh and clean. The floral fragrances in You Wash My Back had aromatherapy qualities. I was feeling sleepy when I went in the shower, but was wide-awake after a few minutes of smelling the refreshing aroma.
The soap was easy to grip and not greasy, especially since it’s more essential oils and other natural goodness than a traditional soap. The soap doesn’t generate a lot of lather, but it’s very moisturizing. I didn’t have time to put on moisturizer after I got out of the shower, and five hours later, my skin is still soft.
Oh, and the soap did inspire a funny phrase: soap and grope! Apparently, I can’t keep my hands to myself when my man is soaping me up. I’ll have to work on that one ;).
I really liked the smell of You Wash My Back in the shower. I also love how soft the soap left my skin. And, I’m always a fan of showers with Buckeyes Boy. We’ll be using the soap again and probably buying another one before too long. Thanks Lush!
*In accordance with FTC Guidelines, I was given this free of charge from Lush Georgetown in exchange for my honest assessment of the products contained within.
Next Posts: A sex advice post regarding what to do if you don’t want to try or don’t enjoy anal sex, but your partner really likes it; and my first date with Buckeyes Boy.
11.21.09
The middle of the end
April-May 2006
A week after Philly Matt and I broke up, I caved and called him. In the back of my head, I knew that we weren’t going to last as a couple, but I missed him. He and I talked about how tough the past week had been…about how much we loved each other…about how we wanted things to work. Maybe our feelings for each other were enough to hold our relationship together?
In early May, I went to Italy to visit a girlfriend. Philly Matt and I e-mailed every day. He started getting some contracting jobs, and he seemed more optimistic about his life.
On my flight home from Venice, there was turbulence on the plane. That happens, of course, but this was bad enough that the pilot kept apologizing and the flight attendants had to take their seats. Flying doesn’t normally faze me, but I felt this unbelievable pressure in my head. When I landed, I had to be escorted off of the plane in a wheelchair and go to the hospital. I had been having some complications from last year’s surgery, and my doctor said that I had a head trauma from the turbulence!
As I recouped, I didn’t leave the house for a week. Philly Matt and I were in regular contact, and yet, he didn’t seem sympathetic to what I was going through. I knew that our relationship was different than it was last year, but I expected him to offer to come down to help me out. This was the same guy who told me that he would be there for me when I was going through health stuff. But, he wasn’t anymore! To say that added insult to injury would be an understatement!
(In Matt’s defense, he wasn’t necessarily in the best position to be there for me. His contracting jobs had ceased, and no money was coming in. The culmination of the base closing, his deployment to Qatar being canceled and having a hard time finding new jobs was too much for him to handle.)
After a week at home, I decided to go to Manhattan to be with my friends. They had offered to take care of me, and I could get around in the City much easier than in uptown DC.
I talked to Philly Matt before I boarded my train to New York, and tried to convince him to come up.
Me: I’ll reimburse you for the train ticket or gas money. It would be great to see you and just relax.
Matt: I’ll let you know.
While I was in the City, I decided to write a list of all the reasons why I fell in love with Philly Matt in the first place. I wrote it as a reminder to me, but also as a way to cheer him up. He had told me that he felt like he couldn’t do anything right with me, and I wanted to give him the note to show him that wasn’t the case at all. I came up with 25 things in less than five minutes, and by the time I put my pen down, I felt better about us.
Toward the end of my trip, I surprisingly hadn’t heard from Matt. I was planning on going back home to DC in two days. If he was going to come up to New York, he needed to do it quickly. I picked up the phone and called him. When I mentioned him coming up, he said that he didn’t want to do that.
Me: Well, what are you doing this weekend?
Matt: Nothing.
Me: I could come down to Philly tonight or tomorrow so we could hang out.
Matt: No.
Me: Are you okay? I had thought that we would see each other sometime on this trip.
Matt: I don’t want to. I haven’t felt like doing much. My Mom said that she hasn’t seen me like this since I was high school.
Me: Like how?
Matt: Well…I’ve just been staying in my room and not going out. Even Syd [his 6-year-old daughter] told me that I’m no fun anymore.
Me: That doesn’t sound good, baby! I’m worried about you. What if I just come down so we can hang out?
Matt: No. I don’t want to do that.
Me: But, you can’t just keep staying in your room?!? Let’s do something….anything!
Matt: I just want to stay here.
We went back and forth like that for another 30 minutes or so before we hung up. He was clearly depressed, and the caretaker in me wanted to help. I had dinner plans with my friend, Bex, but I decided that desperate times called for desperate measures.
Me to Bex: Hey girl! Do you mind if I cancel on you tonight? Matt’s really down and I want to go to Philly to be there for him.
Maybe I couldn’t save the day, but at least I could make it a little better, right?
To be continued…
Next Week’s Posts: The end of the end with Philly Matt and my first date with Buckeyes Boy in September.
As a bonus to my upcoming posts, I’ll be including my reviews of the Lush products inside the True Romance box of goodies! In accordance with FTC guidelines, I was given the box in exchange for my honest assessment of the products inside. It’s Lush, though, so I’m assuming that I’m going to love True Romance!
Have a great weekend, everyone! xoxo
11.17.09
The beginning of the end
April 2006
I loved Philly Matt. He loved me. And yet (not to sound like a bad country song), I didn’t know if our love was enough to make the relationship work. We seemed to be on the same page in the beginning, but now, I was waiting for signs that never came:
1. Matt was understandably down about being out of work and having his deployment to Qatar fall through. I got that. (Who wouldn’t, right?) But, I couldn’t comprehend that he wouldn’t let me in to help him out emotionally or financially. There was a time when I wondered if Philly Matt was THE One for me, but now, I wasn’t sure so. I didn’t know if I could be with someone in the long term who wouldn’t accept assistance or be vulnerable enough to lean on his partner;
2. We had met a year ago this month. Granted, we didn’t officially start dating until June and geography prevented us from seeing each other every week, but we were a couple. After a year, I wanted to know that this was going somewhere, and he wasn’t able to tell me that; and
3. After receiving nothing for Christmas (not a card, not a flower, not a stuffed animal), I had hoped for something for my birthday, but that didn’t happen. Philly Matt was 0-2 on the gift-giving front! I’m not high maintenance when it comes to gifts, but I was looking for a little effort to show that he cared.
I told my best friends what had happened and was surprised that the husband in that couple said, “Dump him. If that’s how he acts in the beginning, it will only get worse.”
On the evening of my birthday, Matt texted me to say that he got home safely, and I texted back something innocuous. I didn’t want to break up with him on my birthday and thought it made sense to sleep on things.
We talked two days later, and I felt like I had to tell him what was on my mind.
Me: I had hoped that you would do something to acknowledge my birthday. I’m not talking anything expensive, but a card or flowers or something. I was bummed that you didn’t do anything.
Philly Matt: I tried to get you a card in the mall when we were at Dave and Buster’s, but the mall part had already closed. I wouldn’t even have come down since birthdays aren’t a big deal to me, but you said that you wanted me in DC so we could spend our birthdays together. Wasn’t that enough?
Me: I’m glad you came down. I just don’t think I can do this anymore. I love you, but this isn’t working.
Philly Matt: You have to do what’s right for you, and I’ll respect that. I feel like you are never happy with me. That no matter what I do, it’s not good enough for you. I’m feeling bad enough about everything right now, and I don’t need your disapproval on top of that.
Me: You do make me happy. It’s not about that. And, I don’t mean to get on your back about stuff or kick you when you’re down. I just think that we’re not looking for the same things. I feel so high when we’re together and so low when we’re apart. And, I don’t know that I can continue to do this if our relationship isn’t going to go anywhere.
Philly Matt: If you want me to say that we’re through, I’m not going to do that. I just can’t commit to anything more than where we are at right now. But, you need to do what’s right for you.
(In retrospect, I wonder if he didn’t want to be with me either and was just waiting for me to do the deed.)
We were both crying by this point. (Well, I had started crying about five minutes into the conversation, but if you know me in real life or have read a lot of my posts, you probably guessed that. I wear my heart on my sleeve.)
Me: I don’t want to break up with you, but I can’t do this anymore.
We talked for a few more minutes, but then we realized that there was nothing left to say.
I knew that I had done the right thing since our relationship wasn’t working, but our break up hit me hard. Very hard. Over the next few days, I managed not to cry when I was at work, but all bets were off at any other time. I wasn’t just sad; I was heartbroken. The feeling of loss resonated so deeply inside me that at some points, I cried so hard that I could barely catch my breath.
I wanted to know what God’s plan was; I wanted to make sense of this. What was I supposed to learn from this experience? I had thought that I had found a good guy who truly cared about me. How did I end up in this position bemoaning the fact that Philly Matt was yet another emotionally unavailable guy who had come into my life?
All the signs were there that Matt and I wouldn’t work as a couple. But, after a week of feeling sad and lonely, I caved. I put my box of tissues back in the bathroom, exhaled and picked up the phone.
Me: Hey. It’s me.
Philly Matt: How are you?
Maybe we weren’t done just yet?!?
11.14.09
(Not that) Happy Birthday to me!
March-April 2006
Philly Matt was heading to Qatar with the Air Force Reserves in five weeks so I tried to focus on the positive. He was a great guy, and I wanted to make our relationship work. But, when we saw each other in early March, our problems resurfaced yet again.
I was looking for assurances that Matt and I wouldn’t have to stay in the long-distance mode upon his return from the Gulf, but he didn’t feel comfortable committing to that. He also was frustrated with his dwindling hours of work on the base, and that understandably affected his mood and his income.
I didn’t know what would happen once he left for Qatar, but I decided to ride things out. I knew how I felt about him and how he made me feel when things were good. Wasn’t that enough for now?
I tried to be as supportive as I could be in the present and also began thinking of ways to make his deployment easier. I downloaded Skype on my computer, and bought cards to send him after he went overseas. (My favorite card said, “The love I feel for you is in my heart. The distance between us is just geography.” I thought that summed it up perfectly!) I imagined us on Skype and AIM for hours and started to view his departure as a way for him to feel better about himself professionally and for us to reconnect emotionally.
And then…things went from so-so to worse. Three weeks before he was scheduled to leave for Qatar, he got a call from the base commander and learned that Reservists from Pennsylvania were not being deployed…at all!
Philly Matt didn’t know what he was going to do professionally. The base at which he worked was closing. He wasn’t heading to Qatar. And, the big pay-out that the Air Force told him was coming from his deployment wasn’t! That’s not a fun position for anyone to be in!
My glass is always half-full so I talked about the benefits of him staying in the States. (He could be closer to his kids and to me, he could now look for a full-time job, and he didn’t have to deal with being in the desert for 3-12 months.) Sometimes, Philly Matt would play along with that, but other times, he wouldn’t. I tried to get him excited about the fact that now we could spend our birthdays together. (We were born three days apart in early April.) I wouldn’t say he was necessarily thrilled about it, but he did come down to DC so we could celebrate together.
Matt got into town on the evening of his birthday. I greeted him at Union Station with a balloon, and ushered him off to Filomena for dinner. I was friends with the chef, and he took great care of us.
When we got back to my place, I gave Philly Matt his present: the first season of Lost on DVD; a t-shirt from French Connection; and a mushy card. I didn’t want to do too much and make him feel uncomfortable, but I also wanted to do enough to make him feel special. Mission accomplished!
On the day before my birthday, Philly Matt joined my friends and me for lunch and games at Dave and Buster’s (one of my guilty pleasures). The next day was my actual birthday. When Matt and I woke up, we had sex. Being in bed with him was always good, but when we were done, I felt a bit confused. I kept waiting for some acknowledgment of my birthday. A card. Singing me “Happy Birthday!” A little gift. Breakfast in bed. Flowers. Something!
But, something never came. When we arrived at Union Station, we waited in line for his train to board. As we kissed goodbye, he said,
“Happy Birthday!”
I guess that was something?!? But, that couldn’t be it, could it? As I drove home from the train station, I got it in my head that he had left me a card or present at the house as a surprise. When I arrived at my condo, though, it didn’t take me long to realize that there wasn’t any surprise.
Philly Matt had come down to DC so that we could spend our birthdays together, which was what I had wanted. Well, partly. I had also hoped that he would make some effort to show me that he cared.
I spent my birthday afternoon, bonding with a box of Kleenex and wondering if I needed more than this. Was this relationship worth fighting for?
Next Week’s Posts: A blend of Philly Matt, Buckeyes Boy and my picks for toys (for solo or couple use).
PS Are YOU a female relationship, dating or sex blogger? I’m looking for a few people to guest post over the coming month so that I can (finally) finish my thesis. If you’re interested, e-mail me at citygirlblogs@gmail.com. xoxo
11.12.09
What goes up must come down
January-February 2006
Philly Matt and I wanted to make our relationship work, and yet, our problems as a couple were mounting:
1. The base at which he worked was closing. With each passing week, he worked less and less hours. That translated to less income, and that understandably made him feel both stressed and depressed.*
2. When someone I care about is in need, I want to help in any way possible. Need a loan? Done. Need help with your resume? Send me a copy. Need someone to talk to? Just pick up the phone. Need to crash at my place until you figure out the next steps? Here’s a key.
But, our approaches to this situation were far from aligned. Philly Matt didn’t want my help. Period. Some nights that meant that we didn’t go out at all because he couldn’t pay for us, which frustrated us both in our own ways. I tried to get him to understand that we were a couple and that everything would balance out in the end, but my words fell on deaf ears.
(A part of me wishes that he would’ve let me help him out, but I didn’t get where he was coming from back then. Through him, I learned that for many men, being the provider isn’t just a goal, but a necessity. And, a job isn’t just their job, but a large part of their identity.)
3. His upcoming post in Qatar took on a larger-than-life proportion. Philly Matt was scheduled to leave for duty with the Air Force Reserves in five weeks, and we didn’t know whether the assignment would be for 3 months or a year!
I began to nag him regularly about where our relationship was going. I wanted to know what would happen when he returned from Qatar. I didn’t care to remain faithful to him without any face-to-face interaction for a year and then end up in exactly the same place that we were now. I wanted to meet his kids, stop doing this long distance thing, and really be a couple. Or, I wanted him to cut me loose. But, instead, he just kept telling me,
“I can’t plan that far ahead. We’ll get there eventually, but I need to go to Qatar and come back and then we can figure things out.”
Maybe if I had a different personality, I could have tabled the topic for a while. But, I didn’t and I couldn’t. So, I kept bringing it up again…and again.
I was (surprisingly) able to put my worries aside during our group’s ski trip to Pennsylvania. We rented a huge house, and everyone spent much of the weekend, eating, drinking and laughing so hard that our stomachs hurt. (Oh, and a few people actually hit the slopes, too.)
For those four days, I stopped wondering what would happen in the future and just enjoyed being with Philly Matt in the present. Our bedroom was incredibly romantic, and we put the room to very good use. Whenever I doubted why we were still together, he would kiss me…or rub my ears and twirl my hair…or let me fall asleep in his arms, and everything made sense again.
Matt wasn’t an anal aficionado like I was so I was surprised when he asked me on Sunday morning if I had brought any lube.
“Of course!” I exclaimed with a smile on my face, as I reached into my bag.
After I put some lube on his cock, I kissed him again, guided his cock into my ass and started riding.
I was close to cuming when he said,
“Umm…your nose is bleeding.”
“No, it’s not!”
“What? No, it is.”
“It IS?!?” I screamed and jumped off of him.
He started cracking up, and it was so ridiculous that I had to join in. Damn altitude!
We tried to figure out why I would play it off like he was wrong when he was looking right up at my face. I guess I had hoped that I didn’t have a nose bleed or that it wasn’t a big deal because I really didn’t want to stop fucking him. From sexy to dorky in less than 60 seconds, huh?
A few minutes later, my nose stopped bleeding, and I could get back to the task at hand (or would it be, ass?). Thankfully, the rest of the act went off without a hitch.
When we headed back to DC on Monday, I was still smiling from our amazing weekend! Before Philly Matt got into his car to drive home, we hugged and kissed on 37th Street for a good 10 minutes.
I walked upstairs to my place, started unpacking and proceeded to bawl my eyes out. We only seemed to work when we were together. And, in five weeks, he was leaving for Qatar, and I still didn’t know where we stood.
We were up (so high that I got a nose bleed), and now we were down. I didn’t know if I had the heart to stay on this ride for much longer.
* I am still close to Philly Matt. When I talked to him last week, I asked him whether I could write about these very personal topics. He said that he would never fault me or stop being my friend for being honest, even if I wrote about matters that might put him in a negative light. I don’t think that most men would be okay with that, and it’s a testament to him that he is. Matt, I am so thankful to have you in my life! xoxo
10.28.09
Ho, Ho, Ho to Bah Humbug!
December 2005
All I wanted for Christmas was Philly Matt. Much like I did for Thanksgiving, I headed up to Philadelphia to spend the Christmas holiday with my friend, Marisa, and her family. Days were filled with so much food that I felt gluttonous, and nights were filled with long talks, romance and sex with Philly Matt.
On Christmas, Matt and I sat down on the couch, and I gave him his card and presents. I didn’t do anything over-the-top (for once), and just picked up two shirts from French Connection that I knew he would like. I also purchased a gift card for his children, even though I had yet to meet them. I just wanted him to know how much he meant to me, and that I respected what a great father he is.
I wrote on the front and back of Matt’s holiday card, telling him how much I loved him and how blessed I felt to have him in my life. When he was done reading it, he kissed me – softly at first and then more and more passionately. I moved from my side of the couch to sit on his lap, facing him, as we continued kissing. Our lips parted, and he looked up and said,
“You make me really happy.”
I broke out into a huge smile, and buried my head into his chest. My hair started to fall into his face, and I looked up as he put his hand on my cheek. He kissed me again before suggesting that we move things into the bedroom. I happily complied.
As I boarded the train the following day to take me back to DC, I thought to myself how that was a perfect holiday. I was in love with a great guy who loved me. My friend and her family welcomed me into their home for a wonderful Christmas. My career was going better than it ever had been. What did I have to worry about?
I called Marisa from the train to thank her and her family again. She asked what Matt and I had done the previous night, and I gave her the highlights.
“Did he get you a present?” she inquired.
“No. I told him not to worry about that since he’s stressed with the job situation at the base. All I wanted was to see him!”
“Did he get you a card?” she asked.
“No.”
“Really?” Marisa questioned as her pitch became higher.
I assured her that I didn’t care about that. But, on the trip home, I realized that the card wasn’t the issue to me. There were bigger things on my mind. I wondered how our relationship would change in the coming months.
See, Matt was in the Air Force Reserves and was heading to Qatar in March for three months…or maybe nine…or maybe twelve. (He wouldn’t find out how long the assignment was until after he got there.) We had made the relationship work despite the distance between Philadelphia and DC, but Qatar was a whole different situation entirely.
I began to doubt how strong we were as a couple. We hadn’t hung out with his friends since June. I had never met his family. We didn’t talk about the future. I had never even see the town where he grew up or the base where he worked. So, Qatar just started representing this big question mark for me. Would I be expected to be faithful while he was away? What level of commitment from him would I need so that my expectations were met, too?
And, thus, a pattern began to form that would continue for the next several months. I would have an amazing weekend with Philly Matt during which I felt incredibly happy. Then, we would say goodbye, and the high would wear off within 24 hours. Doubt replaced elation. And, I began to wonder:
Was dating a geographically unavailable guy just another example of my relationship pattern to date unavailable men? From a practical perspective, how different was this from my relationships with emotionally unavailable Baseball Boy and legally unavailable Married Matt?
And, most importantly, was this going anywhere?
10.27.09
Feeling thankful
November 2005
I wondered if I had found The One in Philly Matt. We saw each other one or two weekends a month, which allowed me my freedom, my alone time, and ample time with my girlfriends. (I’m an only child so independence isn’t just something that I’d like to have in my life. It’s something that I need. I also went to a woman’s college, and my female friendships are incredibly important to me.)
In the past, I shied away from traditional relationships because I felt like I would have to give up too much of myself to make things work. With Matt, by contrast, I had the right balance. I felt loved without feeling smothered. I had my space (geographically and otherwise), and yet, I knew that I could bother him with a stupid question or silly story anytime I wanted to pick up the phone.
When we were together, I was so happy that you might have thought I was channeling a giddy schoolgirl. It seemed like all the pieces were there…that I had found a perfect blend of friend, lover and boyfriend. Philly Matt complemented me like no other guy had before.
I usually spent the holidays with family friends outside of Philadelphia. This year was no exception so I headed up to 30th Street Station on Thanksgiving morning. I had turkey dinner with my friend, Marisa, and her family, and then Matt came over for dessert. After the football game ended and our pants barely fit anymore, Matt and I left for Marisa’s condo. (She was kind enough to let us stay there while she was at her parents’ place.)
The weekend was amazing and reminded me why having Philly Matt in my life was the greatest blessing that I had received that year. We walked into the condo, dropped our luggage, and started checking out the rooms. As we stepped into the kitchen, we began making out. Within three minutes, our clothes were off, he picked me up and leaned me against the granite counter, and a hot quickie ensued. (One of the advantages of being in a long distance relationship is that feeling of elation that you get when you see the person you love for the first time in weeks. Oh, and if you’re wondering, I made sure to clean the granite three times afterward so as not to be disrespectful to my friend and her place. Quickies are good, but so is cleanliness.)
Matt and I had nothing to do the following day so we slept in until 10am, and then spent another two hours in bed, making love. (There’s a time for down-and-dirty sex, and there’s also a time for tender and romantic sex. I loved the fact that I was able to satisfy my need for both from the same guy.)
When we were done, I hopped in the shower and Matt left to get food. As I was putting on my makeup, the aroma of French toast, eggs and bacon wafted from the kitchen down the hall and into the bathroom. All this and he cooks, too? YES!!!
Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, Matt found out that the base at which he worked would be closing. To say that put a damper on the holidays would be an understatement. I tried to stay positive enough for both of us, but the uncertainty of when the base would actually close and how much work he would have until it did understandably took its toll on him.
“I’m used to spoiling the people in my life, sweetie. I don’t like that I won’t be able to do that for the kids this year. Or for you,” he told me.
“I don’t care about any of that,” I assured him. “Just like Mariah says, all I want for Christmas is you. If I’m with you for the holidays, that’s what matters to me.”
I didn’t know what the Christmas holiday and 2006 would bring for us, but I really believed that it was all going to be okay…that we would get through it together. We were a solid enough couple to weather any storm…weren’t we?
To be continued…
10.23.09
Just friends. Really.
October-November 2005
Lawyer Boy met me at Union Station. He somehow managed to squeeze my piece of luggage in the hatch of his Lotus Elise. I got in the car and off we went to a Starbucks uptown.
As I relaxed in the passenger seat, I realized that I hadn’t seen Lawyer Boy since April. That was right after I had heard from a mutual friend, Lauren, that Lawyer Boy had gotten engaged to his girlfriend, Darby…on my birthday weekend…two weeks after he had tried to have sex with me.
When I confronted him about why he didn’t respect me enough as a friend to have broken the news to me himself, he suggested that we go for a drive. I agreed, and in that hour, he apologized to me and explained his warped motivation for marrying Darby. (Apparently, she said that she would do her residency in another part of the country unless they got engaged. He didn’t want to lose her and so he proposed.)
If I had loved Lawyer Boy, it might have been harder to forgive him. But, I never felt that strongly for him. We had started dating, and that evolved into a friends-with-benefits kind of arrangement. Now that he was married, I just felt sorry for him…and her.
By June, Lawyer Boy and I started a text friendship. It was easy and fun, and nothing was written that would have made Darby mad. Lawyer Boy and I had several friends in common and worked in the same field so it would have almost been tougher not to be friends.
So, on this night in fall of 2005, Lawyer Boy had asked for my take on his options regarding a professional dilemma. A recruiter had contacted him about a potential equity partnership opportunity at a competing firm at the same time that his current firm had lectured all the senior associates about the need to bill and publish more if they wanted to make non-equity partner.
We talked about the pros and cons, and the fact that the DC legal community is so small. I listened to him and gave him my two cents, which he appreciated. But, in the back of my head, I wondered why he came to me. Yes, I am an attorney, and I know about law firm life. And, yes, I do give good professional advice and realized that he couldn’t bring this topic up with anyone in his firm out of fear that he would lose his job. But, it seemed a bit sad that he didn’t have any friends from law school or his LLM program with whom he could talk.
I recalled something that Lawyer Boy said when we first started dating – before I knew that he had a girlfriend. He told me that I reminded him of his best friend in law school because he could talk to me about anything. That was sweet back in 2003, but now, it seemed kind of sad. He was married to a woman, and he couldn’t talk to her about work problems at a minimum or show her his vulnerable side at a maximum.
When we were finished at Starbucks, we went for a drive and I told him about what was going on in my life. He congratulated me about the hearing, and dropped his jaw when he heard the news about Philly Matt. Talking about my new boyfriend got me thinking, and in a calm voice, I gave Lawyer Boy some advice (unsolicited this time),
“You know, I just don’t understand how you could cheat on someone you love. I really don’t. I could ask you to pull me over right now and fuck me up the ass and Philly Matt wouldn’t know. But, I would, and I would carry such enormous guilt around with me. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him or to jeopardize our relationship. I don’t get how you could treat Darby the way you did and then marry her. I hope you know what you’re doing.”
He sighed.
“Yeah, I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I get what you’re saying. It’s weird to hear you talk about someone like that, though. I’m glad you are so happy.”
I smiled.
Yes, I was happy. Very happy. And, whatever spell Lawyer Boy had over me (or was it my ass?) had been lifted. So, I let him drive me home, kissed him on the cheek, and told him to let me know what happens on the job front. And, I headed upstairs to my apartment…by myself.
10.21.09
Life is good. I am bad (kind of).
October-November 2005
The leaves started changing colors, as fall arrived in Washington, DC. I was fully recouped from my surgery and completely head-over-heels in love with Philly Matt. And, professionally, I was still getting calls from the media regarding my testimony at the hearing. Life was good. So very good.
In the midst of all the good, though, I let Married Matt and Lawyer Boy back in my life. Some of it was that I was weak. Another motivation was vanity, as in “I know you miss my ass, but you can’t have it!” I also have always had this feeling that I can be a platonic friend with any ex-boyfriend or ex-lay. Over the years, I’ve even done pretty well at keeping in touch with my exes on some level. But was there too much history to be friends with these two exes in particular?
Looking at the situation now, I can easily answer that question. I see that going out with either of those guys was dating or an emotional affair even if sex wasn’t involved. Both Married Matt and Lawyer Boy had cheated for years on their significant others with me! They were masters at lying, cheating and playing games to get what they wanted. And, their wives, Katie and Darby, knew little, if anything, about our past history together. I should have told both Married Matt and Lawyer Boy not to call or text me anymore, but I didn’t. Hindsight is definitely 20/20.
Married Matt
In the fall, Married Matt and I celebrated his birthday with dinner and drinks at Ceiba. For those of you who aren’t locals, Ceiba serves Latin American cuisine in a setting that is modern, elegant and romantic. Matt picked me up at my place, and we headed downtown. We had drinks at the bar before being seated at our table for two against the window. It was clear from how we were treated that everyone in the restaurant thought that we were a couple. Our body language and how Married Matt fed me his entree from his fork only seemed to confirm everyone’s impression of us.
While we were at the restaurant, Katie was at home…in her third trimester of pregnancy…taking care of their two-year-old. (Yes, I realize that there were more red flags here than at a rally for Chairman Mao.) I asked if Katie knew that we were going out, and Married Matt said that he told her that I was taking him out for his birthday. That might have been the case or might have just been one of his many lies. Your guess is as good as mine!
When we finished dinner and Matt dropped me off at home, the red alert moved to orange. We kissed on the cheek and said goodnight. That was all. I didn’t want to bring him up to my bedroom to renew our affair, and he didn’t ask if I was open to that arrangement again. Maybe this friendship thing could work? Maybe?
Lawyer Boy
Two weeks later, I was up in New York City having brunch with my friend, Sam, at Le Pain Quotidien in Gramercy. My phone vibrated, and I saw that I had a text from Lawyer Boy:
“Hey. Would you be free for coffee later? I have a work dilemma that I’d like to run by you.”
“Hmm…In NYC now. Arrive at Union Station at 4. No plans after that,” I replied.
We texted back and forth a few more times, and arranged for him to pick me up at the train station.
“Why are you meeting Lawyer Boy?” Sam inquired with a judgmental tone to her voice.
“Calm down. There’s nothing going on between us anymore. We’re friends. And he needs some professional advice.”
“Okay,” she commented, “you better not be doing anything else with him.”
“He’s married. I’m with Philly Matt. I’m not going down that road again,” I assured her.
Sam and I headed into ABC Carpet & Home to shop. I saw myself in one of the floor-length mirrors and thought that my Ann Taylor wool capris looked too conservative. I ducked into a bathroom to change into my Armani skinny, bootleg pants.
Why was I changing to look cuter for Lawyer Boy? Would I really keep this meeting platonic? What was I doing? Why did I suddenly see so many red flags again? Argh!!!
Next Post: What happened after Lawyer Boy picked me up.
10.20.09
All the stars are aligned
August 2005
I was in love with Philly Matt. [Insert at least one Awww here.] You would think in my blissful state that I might consider ending all communication with my ex-boyfriend, Married Matt, but that would have been too logical.
In July, Married Matt had gotten back in touch with me and we met for lunch. We entered a new chapter in our relationship as friends. A few weeks later, Married Matt suggested that we grab sushi together.
“Does Katie [his wife] know that we’re going out?” I inquired via AIM. I didn’t want to repeat any of my past mistakes. I was no longer going to be the other woman, regardless of whether sex was involved.
“Of course. She knows that we’re friends. I told her that you were dating someone from Philadelphia, and she mentioned that we should go out one night when he’s in town,” he replied.
Huh? Was I being punked? On the one hand, I was glad that Married Matt and Katie were (seemingly) communicating more. But, the thought of having dinner with Katie, Married Matt and Philly Matt gave me the willies. There would be landmines at every course!
It also just seemed like the more Married Matt changed, the more he stayed the same. This was the same guy who suggested that I crash at his place…while Katie was there…a few months after he and I had slept together. Philly Matt knew about my past and present relationship with Married Matt. I still felt like Katie was in the dark about everything.
“Why did you meet him for sushi then? Why did you even stay friends with him?” you might be wondering.
Well, Married Matt has a larger-than-life personality. And, when he makes you the center of his world, it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement. He’s fun, a great motivator and a good listener. And, in the back of my head, I still found some satisfaction in knowing that he would have slept with me again in a heartbeat. I wanted him to want me. I just didn’t want him anymore.
(I’m not saying that wasn’t vain or wrong. That’s just what I felt at the time. And, for all my faults, being dishonest with myself isn’t one of them.)
So, Married Matt and I went out to sushi, and as expected, we had a wonderful time. It was all of the good of our old relationship without the sex, lies and cheating. I won’t say that we didn’t flirt or reminisce because we did, but our focus had changed. We were friends. Real friends.
I talked to him about work and the fact that later that week, I was going to testify at a hearing in town. He wished me good luck, and we talked about going out to dinner in a few weeks to celebrate his birthday. [Again, this was weird.]
I’m happy to report that my testimony at the hearing went well. After the two-day hearing was over, I decided to take the day off of work to sleep in and relax. When I awoke and turned on my phone, I had several messages. The first voicemail was from Married Matt. He said,
“So, I was reading the Post during breakfast this morning and saw an article about the hearing. Seems like the hearing was a success. Then I turned the page and saw a quote from none other than Ms. City Girl. Congrats! I’m really proud of you.”
My face got beat red, as I broke out into a huge smile.
“I’m in the Post,” I thought to myself as I jumped up and down, “I’m in the Post!”
I listened to the rest of my voicemails and had several messages from local and national news affiliates. Holy Shit! I was so excited and knew that I needed to call the office and return all the voicemails. But first, I needed to pull up the article online and share the news with someone. I dialed Philly Matt’s number.
“Baby, you are never going to believe this!”
It was a great time in my life, and I was so thankful that I had a great guy to share everything with!
PS I’m trying my best to catch you all up on how I got back with Lawyer Boy in the first place. It can be tough to focus on the past, though, when there’s so much to write about in the present. If you like spoilers, check out the Tweet regarding Lawyer Boy. Crazy news that shows just how disturbed that boy is!
Next Post: Lawyer Boy and Married Matt in fall of 2005.
