A friend approached me at an event last week in search of my advice about a situation with his girlfriend.
Friend: So, my girlfriend doesn't like giving me oral sex. I don't know if she had a traumatic experience or not so I don't want to pressure her, but I really like blow jobs.
Me [nodding knowingly]: Rightfully so. Did you ask her why she doesn't go down on you?
Friend: Yeah. She just said that it's not her thing.
Me: Do you go down on her?
Friend: All the time. It's the only way that she can get off.
Me: Have you asked her why it's not her thing?
Friend: No, I don't want to be insensitive. I knew you were going to ask me that. [We laugh.]
Me: Are you guys serious?
Friend: Yes. We've been together for several months. I wouldn't worry about it if we weren't.
I gave him the short version of my answer at the event, but I thought I should post the longer answer here. (And, for those of you girls who have trouble getting your guy to go downtown, most of these answers should work in reverse.)
1. Pick a time to communicate with your significant other when sex isn't on the agenda. Don't broach the subject when you are in bed or in the shower since that would just add pressure or expectations to the situation. Bring it up when you have time to talk and listen;
2. Be honest and thoughtful of the other person. This subject is on your mind, but it might not be on her mind. To paraphrase what I told my friend to say to his girlfriend, "You had mentioned a while back that you don't like giving blow jobs. I feel like it's important for us as a couple to talk about this. I love you and want to understand where you are coming from since I really enjoy the act and see it as very intimate. If you don't want to talk tonight, that's okay, though. We can talk about it more after you've given this some thought;" and
3. Respect that maybe your girlfriend doesn't know or can't articulate what she doesn't like about oral sex. When she is able to give you her response, delve into the matter further with sensitivity;
a. Is smell an issue? If so, what if you try it first in the shower so she knows that your cock is clean? (Note: be sure to rinse off after soaping up since the taste of even the mildest of soaps isn't pleasant.);
b. Is she worried that she will gag? Assure her that you won't thrust and that she can take your cock in her mouth at her pace and in the position that is most comfortable for her;
c. If she's unsure of what to do, what if you bought a sex book or attended a workshop with a sex educator? Or, check out one of my blow job posts or other info on the Internet? (Be mindful of the fact that she may or may not want to do this research with you.)
If and when she's ready to try giving you a blow job, let her know by your touch and your voice when you are enjoying a particular move. We all like gold stars; and
d. If she's unsure if she wants to swallow, don't push that. Wait until she feels more comfortable with the act before you discuss the possibility of adding that level of difficulty/stress/confusion to the mix. Let her know that you will tell her before you cum so that she can remove her mouth from your cock.
If you sense that she has had some traumatic experience with a blow job in the past, proceed cautiously and lovingly. (And, by trauma, I'm referring to something that evokes tears or anger.) Give her a hug, tell her you love her no matter what, and suggest that she speak with a health care professional to process her feelings.
What thoughts do you have for my friend? Have you encountered or felt anything similar?