It’s Hump Day so let’s tackle a sex question from a reader:
My boyfriend thinks since the first time we had sex was awkward, it means we may not be sexually compatible. His thoughts are causing issues in the relationship, as I'm very sexual, and it’s made our recent re-attempts for sex awkward, too. How can I tell him to relax?
Answer: Thanks for your question! I think this issue is fairly common since there’s a lot of pressure placed on relationship “firsts.” The first date, the first kiss, the first time you have sex and the first vacation are all supposed to be perfect. The reality is, though, that nothing and no one are truly perfect in life or love. Given that this was your first time with your boyfriend, the awkwardness might have just stemmed from first time jitters.
It’s a good sign that you and your boyfriend are communicating, even if that communication has temporarily caused the sexual dynamic between you two to be uncomfortable. It’s important to continue communicating about your likes and dislikes – in and out of the bedroom – to get over this hump. If you’re a sexual person, then it shouldn’t be too difficult to figure out what he enjoys and the techniques and pace he prefers.
Likewise, I think it’s okay to acknowledge that every time you both have sex won’t be amazing. Factors such as sleep, stress, physical health, age, emotional health, time of day, alcohol consumption and medicinal side effects may all play a role in sex drive and sexual performance.
By your use of the term, “boyfriend,” you both appear to have made a commitment to each other prior to engaging in sex. I don’t know how long you have been dating, but the fact that you took your time to have sex until after a solid connection was formed says something about what you and your boyfriend value. Focus on what drew you to each other in the first place and try to replicate those activities on your next dates. Vary the place, positions and time of day when you have sex. Try it with or without alcohol or ambiance. Bring a fun book of different positions, adult video or Kama Sutra kit into the bedroom. You can even take a step back and just please each other orally before attempting to have vaginal sex again.
I would focus less on the fact that he needs to relax and more on the fact that you both need to be open and accepting of the other person. Sexually compatibility is a skill that can be improved upon with desire and communication. View this as a minor problem that you both can tackle head on together!
I don’t know the details of your relationship beyond what you included in the question so I wonder how old you and your boyfriend are. Priorities for people (typically, but not exclusively, boys) in high school and college may be different than those adults who are looking for something solid and long-term. If you fall in this age group and are looking for a relationship that isn’t just based on sexual compatibility, let your boyfriend’s words and actions be your guide as to whether he is on the same page as you are.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Anything to add, readers?
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