Nothing says, “Happy Holidays!” like answering a reader’s question from Formspring.

Question: I’ve never orgasmed, and I feel like every partner I’ve had takes personal offense to it. I want to learn how to reach that point, but nothing I try seems to work. I don’t get any pleasure from a man going down on me. I feel like I’m broken or something.

Answer: First and most importantly, you are not broken. Remind yourself of that often! Almost 1/3 of women never orgasm during sex. Unfortunately, there’s no tried and true playbook for reaching orgasm that works for every woman, but you might find some comfort and pleasure in any of the following recommendations:

Are you able to orgasm by yourself either clitorally or vaginally? Figuring out what you like on your own will allow you to feel more comfortable with your own body and orgasmic ability. Then, you can bring those techniques and preferences into the bedroom with your partner.

For self-exploration, I recommend that a woman spends some quality time with herself and by herself. You can start with a small toy and place it just on your clit — not inside. If you need to be relaxed first, do whatever gets you in the mood (music, wine, candles, chocolate, etc.). It’s your time to cater to you!

For starter toys, I recommend a bullet, the Lelo Nea or Mia, or the Fun Factory YOOO. You don’t need to go full force and buy a Hitachi wand for your first time, but the option is there.

It’s okay to set the stage or do anything to yourself that feels good. Rub your nipples, point your showerhead toward your pussy, lie on your bed and rub your pussy lips with your fingers. Open the top of the lips and place a finger or two directly on your clit. Continue to do whatever turns you on. It might take some time (15, 20 or even 30 minutes), but you don’t have to use a toy to experience an orgasm unless you want to.

Another option is when your clit is hard, place the tip of the bullet or small vibrator on your clit. If you like the comfort or warmth of a shower or bath, you can look for a waterproof bullet to bring in the shower with you. Once you’ve experienced an orgasm, you will know better how to guide your partner to help you achieve one. Another benefit of exploring yourself on your own first is that you won’t be afraid of or confused by the sensation. The mystery will be gone, and the pleasure will be all yours!

If you’re looking to achieve a G-Spot or vaginal orgasm, check out this post. The G-Spot, also known as the clitoral legs, can be elusive, but there are tips that can help you find and embrace it. The Smart Girls’ Guide to the G-Spot is a great book, and Fun Factory’s Smart Balls tighten the pelvic muscles to allow for increased orgasmic ability.

With respect to how to interact with your partner, I recommend being honest without being self-deprecating. Stress how you enjoy the intimacy of sex and accept that experiencing pleasure during sex doesn’t necessarily translate into reaching orgasm. Let your partner know that there’s nothing wrong with him or with you. If oral doesn’t stimulate you, help guide your partner toward the activities and motions that do. Use fingers, toys or positions to heighten your pleasure.

If you experience pain during sex, make an appointment with your doctor and ask for a referral to a specialist who deals with vaginal pain issues. An estimated 10% of women experience regular vaginal pain, which can make anything that contracts the pelvic muscles difficult to tolerate.

As with anything in the sex realm, try not to feel stressed or pressured about when you will orgasm. It will happen as it’s meant to.