Stef Woods

Ball of confusion

Throughout the morning of December 1, 2009, I felt myself becoming stronger and stronger. I had tolerated a lot in my relationship with Buckeyes Boy, but I would not tolerate being treated so disrespectfully. I could accept the fact that we were not on the same page anymore with respect to what we wanted out of a relationship. But, blocking me from Twitter and having a new cell phone number that I didn’t even know about were unacceptable! I hadn’t heard from Buckeyes Boy in almost three days, but I had texted him to bring my keys and the money for the parking tickets to the Twixer at Bardeo that evening.

At 2:30pm, I received the following e-mail from Buckeyes Boy:

I’m sorry I haven’t written until today. After the holiday, it was a little crazy and I was actually not feeling too great over the past few days.

Nonetheless, we definitely need to talk. A lot was on my mind in Georgia, and it certainly changes things. Are you around tomorrow? I’m still up for grabbing coffee or whatever. Let me know if that works. Hope you had a good few days.

***

I stared at my laptop incredulously and picked up the phone to call Julie. I read her the e-mail and asked:

Is he just fucking with me?

Julie: Could he just responding to your e-mail from yesterday and not your text?

Me: Huh. Maybe.

Julie: What if that really wasn’t his cell phone?

Me: Who knows? It’s weird that he didn’t mention anything about the Twitter blocking or the phone number in his e-mail, though. I am so confused! And, why the fuck is he still signing his e-mails, “Me?”

Neither of us understood from where Buckeyes Boy was coming. An hour later, I sent him the following reply:

I’m not sure if you got the text I sent to your 867# earlier. I’m also not sure if you realize how much it hurt me that after I opened my heart and my home to you, you blocked me from Twitter without even talking with me about things first.

I’m going to Bardeo tonight if you are heading there and want to talk afterward. If you aren’t, I can do coffee tomorrow anytime from 12 on. Whichever you choose, please bring my keys and take care of your parking tickets.

***

Buckeyes Boy didn’t make me wait long for a response:

No actually. That was a temp sim card I had from a friend’s other at&t phone. I probably still have my vm message on there. I used it to try and fix my phone’s issue. I had it the night she came to the event. I’m not trying to hurt you nor do I have other cell phones.

Anyway, as for Twitter, I haven’t blocked you. I’ve barely been on there, except for the event the other night. Don’t know what the issue is, but I haven’t caused it. I’d rather talk tomorrow if that works, because I have plans after. I’ll bring your keys and I have (1) outstanding ticket.

***

My frustration had abated a bit, but my confusion by this point was off the charts. I wanted to believe everything that he wrote. Was the Twitter blocking just a glitch? Did he really not have another cell phone? If he wasn’t trying to hurt me, then why was he treating me this way and why hadn’t he contacted me up until today?

I wasn’t sure what to believe by this point. The only thing I knew for certain is that Buckeyes Boy and I were over. I e-mailed him:

I appreciate you clarifying things, and I hope you realize how the combination of Twitter and not hearing from you would hurt. It looks like there were two tickets from when you went to meet your sister for coffee and from Georgetown. Thanks for taking care of them.

Let me know what time tomorrow works for you.

***

Later that night, I drove up to Bardeo. I had made plans to meet my friend, Misty, at 8pm for a drink downtown so I wouldn’t feel tempted to linger at the event. I walked into the Twixer and looked around the bar. There wasn’t a big black man in sight so I said hello to old acquaintances and made some new ones.

My friend, Ethan, arrived, and I gave him a huge hug hello. (I needed all the moral support that I could get that night.) I caught him up on recent events, and he stood there with his mouth and eyes wide open. Fifteen minutes later, Buckeyes Boy walking into Bardeo. He said hello and then went toward the back of the bar to talk to his friend, Paul.

When I saw him approach the bar an hour later, I headed toward him. (I didn’t know if he was leaving or not, but I needed to meet Misty soon.)

Me: Hey.

Buckeyes Boy: Hey. [He gives me a hug. I start to let go, but he hugs me tighter and longer. I feel forlorn.] I’m sorry that I didn’t get to come over to you earlier.

Me: No worries. There are a lot of people to catch up with. How are you?

Buckeyes Boy: I’ve been slammed at work since I got back. When I have 15 minutes without a meeting, I’ve been trying to close my door and get some sleep. I’m exhausted.

Me: Are you still sick? [He nodded.] I can tell in your eyes.

Buckeyes Boy: Thanks. Yeah, it’s been a tough week for the Buckeyes Boy family. My sister and Dad are hurting. They haven’t gone to work since we got back from Georgia.

Me: Well, I hope all of you feel better soon!

Buckeyes Boy: Thanks! A lot. I really appreciate it.

Me: Of course.

Buckeyes Boy: So, I was thinking, if it’s okay with you, we could meet tomorrow?

Me: Okay.

Buckeyes Boy: I have a few meetings during the day, but…

Me: Just let me know.

Buckeyes Boy: Well, we could get together during the day. [I nod my head in agreement.] But, I was thinking that if it works for you, we could meet after work? I don’t want us to feel rushed and want to have time to talk without feeling like I have to squeeze you in between meetings. Would it be okay if we did that?

Me: Sure.

Buckeyes Boy: So, I can call you after the event? I don’t think I’ll have to stay the whole time. So, I can call you? [I nod my head.]

It was odd how much the dynamic between us had changed. He was kind and almost deferential. He was acting like he did before he started his job.

Buckeyes Boy: Good. Thanks. I really want us to have time together to talk. [I nod.] So, do you want your keys back or should I give them to you tomorrow?

Me: I’d like them back.

Buckeyes Boy: So, I should give them to you now then? {What part of “I’d like them back,” is confusing?]

Me: Yes please. [He hands them to me.] Thanks.

Buckeyes Boy: So, how are you doing? [I shrug my shoulders with slightly pursed lips. I willed myself not to tear up and thankfully, I didn’t.] Not easy, huh? [I shake my head to indicate “no.”] It’s good that we’ll talk tomorrow. [I nod.]

Paul approached us, and I said hello to him.

Me: I’m off to meet Misty. I thought we were going out for drinks, but it turns out that we’re going to a fashion show party. I so wouldn’t have worn this. [Paul and Buckeyes Boy give me the once over.]

Buckeyes Boy: You look good. [Paul nods.]

Me: Thanks. But, come on — fashion show good?!? [We laugh.]

Buckeyes Boy: Any chance you have a dress in that bag? [I’m carrying a tiny Chanel purse. We all laugh some more.]

As we put on our coats, Buckeyes Boy approached me for another hug goodbye. For the second time that night, he held me for longer than I held him.

We walked out of Bardeo, and I thought to myself,

Maybe, just maybe, we could be friends or…

My BF blocked me on Twitter. Now what?

I felt like I was in the middle of the ultimate Twitter relationship story. I had met Buckeyes Boy at the Twestival in September 2009, and for all intents and purposes, we moved in together after our first date. And, now, he had gone from telling me that he missed me on Thanksgiving to breaking up with me by blocking me on Twitter. Talk about full circle!

I called my friend, Julie, when I noticed that the number of my followers on Twitter had dropped by one.

Me: I know that we’ve had our problems, but come on!

Julie: This doesn’t make sense.

Me: Well, Z brought up the possibility last night that something happened with Buckeyes Boy or his family. I feel like he’s okay, though, since he and his Dad went to the Steelers-Ravens game last night. (He had posted pictures on Twitter.) What should I do?

Julie: Does he still have stuff at your place?

Me: Not really. He took almost everything to get organized, do laundry and pack before the holiday. I even jokingly asked him if he was coming back and he said of course. Why didn’t he just tell me?

Julie: Maybe he was doing the guy thing and just didn’t want to deal with it. He still has your keys and owes you for the parking tickets?

Me: Yes.

We decided that I should send him a passive-aggressive e-mail, playing dumb about the whole Twitter blocking incident. He and I clearly needed to talk so I figured that I would get more with sugar than with salt. I wrote:

Buckeyes Boy,

Since I haven’t heard from you, I hope that you are okay. I am little confused since when you left for Georgia, things seemed good with us. I’m not really sure what happened. Would it be possible to grab coffee or a drink tonight or tomorrow to talk?

xoxo, City Girl

The rest of the afternoon, I alternated between shock, relief and sadness. One friend asked what Buckeyes Boy said in 140 characters or less.

Me [laughing out loud]: He didn’t! He just blocked me!

The line, “Buckeyes Boy broke up with my on Twitter,” became my own version of “Berger broke up with me on a post-it note” from Sex and the City.

I had texted that line with a “WTF?!?” at the end to several friends, including Carly. When her plane landed at Reagan National, she called me from the shuttle.

Carly: Are you okay?

Me: Eeh. I just came from acupuncture so I’m kind of nauseous and loopy anyway. I just can’t believe that he would do this!

Carly: I’m coming over.

Me: You just got back to town. I’m sure you want to go home.

Carly: I’ll be there in 30.

I have tears in my eyes as I remember how Carly took care of me that night. (She is a wonderful friend!) I didn’t want to eat. I cried about 10 minutes of every hour. I tried to watch TV and then would just make a comment about how disrespectful Buckeyes Boy was.

Me: For all the problems that we had, I never imagined that he would do this. He was the one who kept saying that he wanted to be in this relationship and stressing the importance of good communication. His towel is still on the bathroom door. [Carly gets up, finds the towel and throws it in the hamper.] The second bedroom [where he got dressed] still smells like his cologne. [She closes the door to the second bedroom.] We had sex right before he left. And, he still has my keys. Seriously, who does this?!?

I went to bed early since Carly was there to walk Nutter before bed. When I got up at 4:00am, a thought crossed my mind:

Anyone who would do this to me isn’t The One! Period. I had wanted to know if Buckeyes Boy would step it up before New Year’s, and I had my answer!

I went back to bed and fell sound asleep. When Carly and I woke up at 8am, something occurred to me:

Me: So…remember when you were texting Buckeyes Boy at the Convention Center? [She nods.] Do you still have his number in your phone?

Carly: I should. [She grabs her phone and starts scrolling.]

Me: Mind telling me what it is? [Buckeyes Boy had a phone number with a (301) area code when we met. His phone broke about halfway through our relationship, but he claimed that he was still waiting for Apple to send him a part. For over a month, we’d be restricted to e-mailing each other, instead of the usual calls and texts.]

Carly: 202-867-5309.*

Me: That fucker!!!

Carly: That’s not the number you had?

Me: Nope. He gave me some bullshit about how he was able to text you because he borrowed some friend’s sim card and how that only worked for a few days. Seriously, what the fuck?

Carly: That’s shady. [I pick up my phone to call him, using *67 to make my number private.] Is he going to be up at this hour?

Me: He’s probably getting ready for work, but I just want to make sure it’s his voice mail.

Sure enough, it was. I was livid! As Carly was in the shower, I thought about my options and decided to send Buckeyes Boy the following text:

Carly came over last night since I was sad and shocked that after opening up my heart and my home to you, you broke up with me by blocking me on Twitter. Imagine my surprise when I found out that you had a new number that you never gave me! I’ll be at Bardeo tonight. Bring my keys and the money for the tickets.

When Carly came out of the bathroom, I showed her the text.

Carly: What’s at Bardeo?

Me: A Twixer [Twitter mixer]. I’ve never gone to one of these things before because the people there are his friends, but fuck that!

Carly: Are you okay to go?

Me: Oh yeah. I’ve been way too nice to him for way too long. [I smile a mischievous smirk.]

Did I hear from Buckeyes Boy? Did I go to Bardeo? That, my friends, is for the next post. xoxo

* Bonus if you recognize the number with my apologies if you have the song stuck in your head, too!

Just Call Me Carrie

I woke up on November 30, 2009, feeling confused and unappreciated. Buckeyes Boy hadn’t come through yet again last night. I wanted to e-mail him, but sensed that he needed some space. He was in Maryland, having brunch with his Dad and his Dad’s wife and then they were off to the Steelers-Ravens game that evening. There was a lot for us to talk about with respect to the future of our relationship, but I knew that face-to-face would be best.

I decided that if I hadn’t heard from Buckeyes Boy by Monday night, I would send him an e-mail. I’m cutting and pasting what I had in my computer from that day, although this was not a letter that I ever sent:

***
Dear Buckeyes Boy,

I think back to the first month when we were together. The amount of time that we were able to spend together that month was surreal, but I don’t think that the feelings that we shared were. I’ve realized that what I miss the most about that time wasn’t the fact that we were always together (although that was really nice), but that you were so kind and loving. I never questioned how you felt about me because you always told me and showed me. I didn’t hesitate to open up my heart and my home to you because I looked in your eyes and saw my future.

When you got your job, I was so excited for you. And, since then, the girlfriend in me has tried to make your life easier. To respect that you don’t have a lot of free time. To respect that you also need time with your family and friends. To be there for you and take care of you as much as I can.

You told me a few weeks ago that I’m the type of person who doesn’t just say how I feel, but I go above and beyond to show you how I feel. I think I’ve done that where you are concerned.

I guess I’m not sure what changed from your perspective. I could speculate as to what you are feeling or where you are coming from, but I can only judge you by your actions. Spending time with me and including me in on the other areas of your life clearly haven’t been your priorities. And, the caring and loving side of you isn’t that visible anymore. That makes me feel sad and disappointed.

I wish you would let me know what you are feeling. I will do whatever I can to make this relationship work. But, I also know that I can’t be the only half of the couple making an effort. I feel like you used me when it was convenient for you, and now that you have more going on, you expect everything to happen how you want it when you want it. That is not fair to me, though, and is disrespectful of my needs and my feelings.

Last night, I really wanted to see you. If you had told me earlier that you didn’t want to go out, I would have been disappointed, but I would have understood. If you had called me to let me know what was going on and let me know that we would go out soon and that you missed me, I would have also felt better.

Instead, you e-mail me at a late hour…after you had clearly made plans with your Dad…to let me know that we’ll “catch up soon.” We’re in a relationship, and that’s not cool. It also occurred to me that there have been several times in which you have been home sick or exhausted and when your friends needed you or there was a social thing going on, you rallied. And, yet, last night, when there was a reason for me to celebrate and I asked you to rally for me, you didn’t. If you’re wondering how that makes me feel, “less than” and “shitty” are the words that come to mind.
***

I didn’t write anymore since tears were streaming down my eyes by this point. For 2 1/2 months, I had given Buckeyes Boy everything I had (emotionally, physically and financially). And, now, I was sitting at home, hoping that he would call me on the phone. How pathetic was that?

I talked with several girlfriends that day, and we all agreed that it was time for Buckeyes Boy to man up! And, as we all know, manning up if it didn’t involve sex wasn’t Buckeyes Boy’s strong suit.

I slept soundly on Sunday night. I started to realize what I deserved and knew I needed to have a “Come to Jesus” talk with Buckeyes Boy. He had an event that night, but I figured that I would hear from him afterward.

Around lunchtime, I was online, when my phone rang. It was the billing representative from my doctor’s office, calling to tell me that I had paid too much.

Billing Representative: Would you like us to send you a check for $30 or to credit your account?

Me: I don’t know. Whatever you think would make sense.

Billing Representative: Well…

I was half listening since it wasn’t a big deal and refreshed my computer. I clicked on the tab for Twitter and noticed that my followers had decreased by one (which happens with spam filters). But, then, I saw that I was following one less person, too.

My heart began to beat fast, and I was short of breath. My hand trembled a bit. I typed Buckeyes Boy’s real name into the search box and pressed ‘Enter.’

Me: Umm…I have some other stuff going on right now. Can you just credit my account?

Billing Representative: Of course. If you change your mind, just let us know.

Me: Thanks.

I was staring at my computer screen, and my body began to shake. There, under the photo of Buckeyes Boy was the box marked “Follow.” And, to the right hand column of his page, I had two options: Block or Report for Spam with no option to Message him.

I picked up the phone to call Julie, even though we had just gotten off the phone an hour ago.

Julie: Hey, what’s up?

Me: I think Buckeyes Boy just broke up with me…by blocking me from Twitter!!!

[Tears fill my eyes.]

Julie: Are you kidding?!? How juvenile!

Me: I think so because my followers and following both went down one. Let me check. [I scroll through the people I’m following.] I’m no longer following him. [I scroll through the people he follows, which takes a couple of minutes.] Nope. He’s no longer following me either.

Julie: That’s ridiculous!

Me: I know! I’m 36, and my boyfriend broke up with me ON TWITTER!!! What the fuck?!? It’s like I really am Carrie Bradshaw! This is the 2009 version of the Post-It note!

For once, I wished that my life didn’t make for good blogging.

Is this the end of the tale with Buckeyes Boy? Of course not. Just call me Carrie.

Prioritizing

The patterns of late in my relationship with Buckeyes Boy were unhealthy. Somehow we went from dominant and submissive in the bedroom to dominant and submissive outside of the bedroom. I was getting tired of being so deferential to him all the time…of catering to his every need when my basic needs were barely being met…of paying for everything when he had been at work for over a month now.

Then, just when I felt like I was going to lose it around him and go off on all that had been weighing on me, he would say something that would make me feel like maybe we could get past this.

Buckeyes Boy [after finding all these things I had gotten him]: I’ve never met anyone as thoughtful as you. I make some comments in passing about how my razor bumps are irritating and that I use hand sanitizer at work, and the next thing I know, you get me a whole facial cleansing system and a packet of hand sanitizers.

Me: You’re welcome, baby. That’s what I do for the people I love.

Buckeyes Boy: But, I don’t think you realize how few people do that. Thank you for being so patient with me with all the changes from the new job. I know this hasn’t been easy on you, but I really appreciate everything. [We kiss.]

Our relationship was (thankfully) not abusive, but I started to recognize the honeymoon stage that followed our fights. One night, he was saying that I was jealous and controlling, and the next night he would tell me how wonderful I was. A part of me wondered if the pendulum would stop swinging back and forth and if we could just…be.

In late November 2009, I was talking to my friend, AP, about the latest round of ups and downs with Buckeyes Boy.

Me: I give us a 50/50 chance of making it through New Year’s.

AP: Really? He adores you. I think you guys will work it out. He just needs to get into a routine at work first. But, at least you know you are ready!

Me: For what? [Pause.] Marriage?

AP: Yeah.

Me [laughing out loud]: I don’t know. I’m willing to stick it out with Buckeyes Boy because I love him and because of how good we were in the beginning. But, if you tell me I’m single again, I don’t think I’m going to be in a rush to get into another relationship. You know me…when did I ever talk about getting married before Buckeyes Boy?

AP [laughing]: Umm…never! When you told us that you guys were planning your wedding, I almost got whiplash! I thought the aliens had gotten you. [We both crack up.]

Me: Exactly. I know I want to be a mom. I don’t know that I want to be a wife. I’ll ride things out with Buckeyes Boy, but if we break up, I’m not sure if I see just looking for one guy to be with forever. I don’t know if that’s my thing.

Buckeyes Boy came home that evening and was up sick most of the night. I tried to do what I could to make him feel more comfortable, but some things just need to run their course. He had off the following day and gave me the heads up that two friends were having parties. As was the norm, he didn’t invite me to join him so I decided to make my own plans.

I figured that he would sleep in since he was sick most of the night, but he headed out in the morning to meet his sister for coffee. When he returned, the Ohio State-Michigan game was on, but he went back to bed since he wasn’t feeling well. (The fact that he wasn’t interested in the game as a former Buckeyes football player confused me, though.) I got him some ginger ale and some over-the-counter stuff and tucked him in.

As Buckeyes Boy and I were talking in bed, the topic of porn came up. He knew the actresses that I enjoyed, but I didn’t know whom he liked.

Me: When you are by yourself, who do you fantasize about?

Buckeyes Boy: Well, no one really.

Me: There’s not a porn star or an actress that you think about or like to watch when you are getting off?

Buckeyes Boy: I just don’t really do that.

Me: You don’t masturbate? [He nods.] I’m calling bull shit on that one.

Buckeyes Boy: Why would I do that when I can just go to a club and leave with a girl?

Me [biting my tongue from asking him why he was an almost 32-year-old man acting like he was still in college]: Really? Well, I thought you had said that you were a relationship guy.

Buckeyes Boy: I am. But when I’m not in a relationship, I’m gonna go out to take care of that. What guy wouldn’t do it that way?

Me: So…after you left Toronto [and the girl he was dating up there] and before we met, that’s what you did?

Buckeyes Boy: Yeah.

Me [as my eyes get really wide]: You sooo didn’t tell me that! You made it sound like you were all about relationships! Dare I ask if you used condoms with these women?

Buckeyes Boy: Of course.

Me: All the time? [He nods.] You definitely spun the whole, “I’m a relationship guy,” to your advantage. You made it sound like you hadn’t been with anyone since you left Toronto.

Buckeyes Boy: What if I go on your blog and read about the guys that you were with before we started dating?

Me: Go on it! You were the only person I slept with since I broke up with Lawyer Boy last Thanksgiving! I’ve had one one-night stand in a decade! I just wish you had told me this back in September.

Buckeyes Boy: What did you expect? Any guy who is good-looking enough to go into a bar and get a girl is going to do exactly the same thing!

As we rolled over to take a nap, I felt unsettled. I didn’t even bring up how he told me he had been tested for HIV when he arrived in DC and whether or not that was a lie. I just knew I needed to get tested again.

I woke up before Buckeyes Boy did, and there ended up being a change in my plans for the evening. I wasn’t going to Virginia, but rather, having dinner with my friend, Tina, in Adams Morgan. As it turned out, Buckeyes Boy’s parties that night were in Adams Morgan and U Street. Even though he had been sick a lot over the past 24 hours, he was still going to try to go out.

Me: Well, your stuff should be starting around the time that my stuff ends. If you want to grab a drink or meet up since we’ll both be in the same area, let me know. I could just come by for the first hour or so and then I’d leave you all so I can work on my thesis. Or, if you decide not to go out and you need anything, just call me. I should be home by 10 at the latest, but I can leave early if you need me to.

Buckeyes Boy: Okay. I’ll let you know.

I hadn’t heard from Buckeyes Boy when I was out with Tina so I headed home just before 10. I assumed that he had decided not to go out or else I would’ve heard from him. My assumptions were proven wrong, though, when I got off the elevator on my floor. The air was filled with the aroma of Buckeyes Boy’s cologne.

“I just missed him!” I thought to myself. “That fucker didn’t even call me!”

Sure enough, I went inside, and he was gone. I called Tina with tears streaming down my eyes.

“This is ridiculous! I take care of his ass all night and now he’s out with friends who don’t know that I even exist and he doesn’t even let me come along for a drink?!?”

“You need to sit down and talk to him,” Tina said.

I agreed with her, but I also wondered if talking to him would even register. He always belittled my attempts to talk about our relationship problems, or he would deflect the conversation to make me feel like I was in the wrong, jealous and insecure.

As the clock went from 10pm to 2am, I got progressively more upset. I thought about telling him to pack his stuff up, call his sister, and get out of my place. I thought about leaving his stuff outside my apartment door. But, I realized that he would be coming home after a night of drinking and that wasn’t the right time to get into a relationship discussion or end things so abruptly.

When Buckeyes Boy got back, he was buzzed and clearly had no idea that I might be mad at him. I just kissed him hello and went back to bed. In the morning, he was Mr. Friendly as he got ready for work, thanking me for taking care of him and telling me how much fun he had the previous evening.

Buckeyes Boy: I don’t think I can go out tonight since the event will be a late one, but maybe Monday night? [I nod my head.] I know that you wanted to go out before I leave for Georgia, and I definitely want to do that.

Me: Okay.

We walked out of the apartment building, and after I kissed him and went on my way with Nutter, I found myself rolling my eyes. In contrast with the past month, I wasn’t sad anymore. As I continued around Rock Creek Parkway, I tried to figure out why. My call with AP had me thinking:

I’ve been putting my goal on hold for Buckeyes Boy. And, I had to ask myself if he was worth doing that for.

“What goal?” you might be asking.

Being a Mom. I had told myself in 2008 that if two things happened in 2009 (I moved into a 2-bedroom apartment, and my health was stable), I would start the process to adopt an older child in 2010. Both of those important pieces were in place, but now, with Buckeyes Boy on the scene, I was putting his needs and goals before mine.

I decided to ride it out with Buckeyes Boy for six more weeks to see if he stepped up. If things didn’t markedly change by the time 2010 rolled around (and yes, I knew that I needed to play a role in standing up for myself), then the Ball in Times Square wasn’t the only thing that would be dropped.

The light bulb

My game of Chutes and Ladders with Buckeyes Boy continued. There seemed to be a direct correlation between his work schedule, his mood and his health. When he didn’t have a day off all week, he was exhausted, sick and not the nicest guy to be around. We would still talk and have sex, but the overwhelming stress of his job sucked the life and the light out of him. He got his dream job, but at what price? Could he continue at this pace? Could we?

Around election time in November 2009, Buckeyes Boy asked me a question about local politics. I was in the zone, working on my thesis, so I just answered his question briefly.

Buckeyes Boy: Don’t you even know what’s going on in your own city? I need to get you more involved in politics.

I just looked at him and shrugged. A few days later, I relayed the story to my friend, Nicole, and her big, beautiful brown eyes got so wide that she looked like a deer in headlights.

Nicole [laughing hysterically]: Is he kidding? You must have really kept quiet the past few months.

I thought about her comment, and realized that she was right. I had kept quiet about a lot. Buckeyes Boy is a smart guy, and he respects my intellect, but I had been downplaying my accomplishments and intelligence around him. It was odd for me to realize how I had made myself so deferential to him that he didn’t even know that I had come to DC for a Political Science Internship, let alone how many protests and marches in which I had participated.

All that changed, however, when he brought up a topic relating to my specific field of practice. I launched into a 30-minute diatribe about the flaws with our legal system and current policies. He listened and asked follow-up questions, but I sensed that he was surprised. I also realized that I had been “dumbing myself down” around Buckeyes Boy. I needed to stop doing that and find a way to be supportive of him without dismissing my own strengths and accomplishments.

The week before Thanksgiving, Buckeyes Boy had to work 80 hours without a day off, which took a toll on him and us. I tried to focus on how the glass was half-full. But, I became rather salty when I saw on Twitter that: 1) he had given Susan a tour of his office; and 2) he went out with friends for drinks after work without letting me know in advance. For me, that was a Double Whammy!

He could tell I was upset at him when he came home, but he didn’t know why.

Me: Really? There’s nothing you did today that might upset me. (And, yes, that was totally the passive-aggressive way to approach the matter.)

Buckeyes Boy: [Pause.] Oh, that Susan came to the Convention Center?

Me: Ya think?!?

Buckeyes Boy: Well, she was down there. What was I supposed to do?

Me: I don’t mind you having lunch with your friends or showing them around. But, I had told you before that it’s important to me that your friends know I exist and that I see your office before other girls do.

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: She was down there for work! What does it matter who I show around my office?

Me: I could see if we hadn’t talked about this before, but we did. This matters to me. And, how do you think it makes me feel to find this all out on Twitter?

Buckeyes Boy: You are so jealous!

Me: No. I’m not jealous of you being friends with other girls. It just makes me feel like you don’t care about me when I tell you something and you don’t appreciate where I’m coming from. I get that people are down near your office. I just don’t get why you wouldn’t show me around before other girls when we talked about this.

Buckeyes Boy: This doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t like this at all! And, Susan’s the person you should least be worried about! What about the other girls who I’ve shown around the office who didn’t Tweet about it?

(I could tell that he was just trying to get under my skin with that one so I didn’t directly respond to that. I know the girls to whom he was referring, but the girls weren’t the problem here.)

Me: I don’t care that you have friends who are girls and that you spend time with them. I care about the fact that I’m trying to be a part of your world like you are a part of mine, and you won’t let me in. You make me feel like I’m asking you for these outlandish things, when I’m asking for very little! [I’m crying enough by this point that I need to get a tissue.] Remember how you told me about your girl in Charlotte and how you had a relationship of convenience? [Pause.] Is that how you see me?

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: That’s ridiculous! I can’t believe that you would use my past against me! What if I went on your blog and asked you about whether you were cheating on me because you cheated on other guys in the past?

(Technically, I was the other woman, not the cheater, but I decided not to argue about semantics.)

Me: Go on my blog if you want! I haven’t been with anyone since Lawyer Boy other than you, and I’ve already written posts about how I feel things for you that I’ve never felt for anyone before. I just need to know that you feel the same about me.

Buckeyes Boy: I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. If I didn’t want to be with you, I would tell you.

Our tones and words softened, and we kissed and made up. He told me that he wanted to have me come to the Convention Center after the holiday. That made me smile, but I still wasn’t comfortable with our exchange. When we fought, I always ended up apologizing for being insecure or for upsetting him. I was the submissive one in all aspects of our relationships, even when he was in the wrong or when I was asking him for things that are normal in an adult relationship.

After our conversation, I went outside to walk Nutter and called my friend, Julie. She said:

You are one of the most loving and generous people I know. You have the biggest heart, and always try to make everyone else happy. You deserve someone who appreciates how wonderful you are and who will try to make you as happy as you make him. You keep telling me that you love him, but lately, you’re always in tears when you talk about him. When was the last time he did anything nice for you?

Me: Umm. [Pause.] I don’t know. [Pause.] Going to dinner? Of course, I was the one who had to pay and then he got more parking tickets. When he came home early so we could watch Love Actually? [Pause.] Yeah, it’s been a while.

Julie: Now when was the last time you did something nice for him?

Me: [Pause.] A few hours ago. (I had made sure that I had his favorite Shiraz and cupcakes in for when he got home from work.) He shouldn’t get points for being nice 10 days ago, huh?

Julie: You deserve someone who will be good to you.

Me: I know that. I just need to get up the strength to tell him that.

The following day, I talked to several more friends about my relationship with Buckeyes Boy. The general consensus was that he didn’t appreciate me and that he was taking advantage of my generosity. After hearing that from five friends in one day, a light bulb went off in my head.

Buckeyes Boy needed to step up. Things were going to have to change.

An Oral Quandary

A friend approached me at an event last week in search of my advice about a situation with his girlfriend.

Friend: So, my girlfriend doesn't like giving me oral sex. I don't know if she had a traumatic experience or not so I don't want to pressure her, but I really like blow jobs.

Me [nodding knowingly]: Rightfully so. Did you ask her why she doesn't go down on you?

Friend: Yeah. She just said that it's not her thing.

Me: Do you go down on her?

Friend: All the time. It's the only way that she can get off.

Me: Have you asked her why it's not her thing?

Friend: No, I don't want to be insensitive. I knew you were going to ask me that. [We laugh.]

Me: Are you guys serious?

Friend: Yes. We've been together for several months. I wouldn't worry about it if we weren't.

I gave him the short version of my answer at the event, but I thought I should post the longer answer here. (And, for those of you girls who have trouble getting your guy to go downtown, most of these answers should work in reverse.)

1. Pick a time to communicate with your significant other when sex isn't on the agenda. Don't broach the subject when you are in bed or in the shower since that would just add pressure or expectations to the situation. Bring it up when you have time to talk and listen;

2. Be honest and thoughtful of the other person. This subject is on your mind, but it might not be on her mind. To paraphrase what I told my friend to say to his girlfriend, "You had mentioned a while back that you don't like giving blow jobs. I feel like it's important for us as a couple to talk about this. I love you and want to understand where you are coming from since I really enjoy the act and see it as very intimate. If you don't want to talk tonight, that's okay, though. We can talk about it more after you've given this some thought;" and

3. Respect that maybe your girlfriend doesn't know or can't articulate what she doesn't like about oral sex. When she is able to give you her response, delve into the matter further with sensitivity;

a. Is smell an issue? If so, what if you try it first in the shower so she knows that your cock is clean? (Note: be sure to rinse off after soaping up since the taste of even the mildest of soaps isn't pleasant.);

b. Is she worried that she will gag? Assure her that you won't thrust and that she can take your cock in her mouth at her pace and in the position that is most comfortable for her;

c. If she's unsure of what to do, what if you bought a sex book or attended a workshop with a sex educator? Or, check out one of my blow job posts or other info on the Internet? (Be mindful of the fact that she may or may not want to do this research with you.)

If and when she's ready to try giving you a blow job, let her know by your touch and your voice when you are enjoying a particular move. We all like gold stars; and

d. If she's unsure if she wants to swallow, don't push that. Wait until she feels more comfortable with the act before you discuss the possibility of adding that level of difficulty/stress/confusion to the mix. Let her know that you will tell her before you cum so that she can remove her mouth from your cock.

If you sense that she has had some traumatic experience with a blow job in the past, proceed cautiously and lovingly. (And, by trauma, I'm referring to something that evokes tears or anger.) Give her a hug, tell her you love her no matter what, and suggest that she speak with a health care professional to process her feelings.

What thoughts do you have for my friend? Have you encountered or felt anything similar?

How to (maybe) orgasm during sex

A female friend recently sent me an email, asking for my recommendations for the best sexual position to achieve an orgasm. That baffled me a bit because there's no simple answer to that question.

"Why is that?" you might be wondering.

Well, one's woman multiples is another woman's "isn't the G-Spot a myth?" No two women are alike in this regard, and with that in mind, here are my thoughts:

1. Have you had a G-Spot* orgasm before?

If yes, then proceed to #2.

If no, then proceed to #3. (I so wish WordPress had a flow chart feature.)

* There was a recent journal study that claimed the G-Spot doesn't exist. It does – trust me – although a woman's ability to access it varies.

2. What positions facilitate having an orgasm during sex?

if you can orgasm vaginally on your own, then you need to figure out what positions work best given your body and your partner's body. A lot of this is trial and error, but I recommend these positions for getting the best angles for a G-Spot orgasm during intercourse:

a. You on top with your back facing your man's chest (reverse catcher's mitt).

This allows for the curve of your man's cock to rub against the G-Spot. It also gives you more flexibility to angle your body and move your hips how you like. In this position, you can easily massage your clit, or depending on your partner's size, insert a finger to rub your G-Spot as you're having sex.

b. Doggy-Style.

This position allows for clitoral stimulation with hands and a good angle for the cock to penetrate the G-Spot. However, depending on the height difference between both partners, men and women might prefer different angles.

c. You on top facing your man.

This position provides a good angle for the cock to stimulate the G-Spot. It's also an easy reach for either you or your partner to massage your clit. If you need an emotional connection with your partner to orgasm, you can kiss and look into your man's eyes during the act. And, if you and your man like to use a cock ring or the We-Vibe, this position enables the toy to stay in place and hit just the right spots.

(If you are a man reading this, err on the side of caution here! When you are having sex, just start gently massaging your girl's clit with two fingers in small circles. She may or may not orgasm, but I doubt she will protest your efforts. Also, guys, missionary might be the easiest position for you, but it's usually not a winner for G-Spot stimulation. Again, I recommend that you let your fingers do the talking here.)

3. Try to find your G-Spot.

If you haven't yet had a G-Spot orgasm, then take some time on your own to explore before trying to orgasm with your partner.

A 2005 study reports that only 14% of women always orgasm during intercourse. And, somewhere between 16% and one-third of women can never orgasm during traditional sex. Women, don't feel bad or guilty if you can't orgasm during intercourse! There's no right or wrong here, and one study says that genetics play a role in your ability to orgasm. Just spend some quality time with yourself and see what happens.

If you are a man and you don't know whether your woman is able to have a G-Spot orgasm, then there's a need to communicate with her. I recommend bringing this up when you have the time to talk and sex isn't expected. It's important to take the pressure off of the end result and focus on the intimacy of connecting as a couple!

If you've found a position that works well for you and your partner, please comment. In this regard, sharing is definitely caring!

I’m a 1950s housewife!

I am giver. A nurturer. I take care of the people in my life. How did those qualities manifest themselves when Buckeyes Boy went back to work in October 2009? I turned into a housewife from the 1950s.

When Buckeyes Boy arrived home from work, I would offer to hang up his jacket and ask him what he wanted to drink. As I poured his beer or wine, I would place cupcakes or cookies on a plate for him to eat. (If I had an apron and blonde hair, you might wonder if I was June Cleaver!)

One of my friends visited us for a weekend and observed how Buckeyes Boy and I interact. He commented to his boyfriend that he was a bit taken aback by our relationship. According to his boyfriend, he was surprised that “a strong woman like [City Girl] would act so subservient.”

(“Subservient” definitely has negative connotations. It makes me happy to make the people I love happy so I don’t see being a caregiver as an obligation, but rather a privilege. Yes, I have very nontraditional views about sex, but when it comes to relationships, I’m actually very traditional. I try to date guys who appreciate both sides of my personality and who respect that I choose to care for them. I like to be a wanna-be porn star in the bedroom, but I’m comfortable being subservient or deferential in other personal settings. Putting myself in your shoes as a reader, though, I understand if I’m catching you off guard.)

So, Buckeyes Boy worked 12-hour days and was lucky if he got one day off a week. He might not eat anything until dinnertime at which point he rushed to grab something quick before whatever event was being held that night at the Convention Center. When he came home at 10pm, he was exhausted, yet needed time to unwind. By the time he fell asleep, it was 2 or 3am and then he had to wake up at 8am.

The combination of lack of sleep, poor diet and long hours caused Buckeyes Boy to be sick — a lot. More often than not, he would arrive home with a headache, sore throat or an upset stomach. Or, we would be watching TV and he would fall asleep sitting up while listening to a Pod Cast. I did what I could to help him feel better by getting him tea with honey…or Motrin…or Imodium…or a pillow. I empathize when someone I care about is sick, and my nurturing side kicks into overdrive when my man is the patient.

Buckeyes Boy would thank me after I helped him out in any regard, but the following conversation warmed my heart:

“I’ve never met anyone like you,” Buckeyes Boy said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“A lot of people say they love you or they care about you, but you don’t just say it. You show it. All the time,” he explained.

“Of course I do. I don’t want you to forget that for a minute, and it makes me happy to make you happy,” I told him.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me,” he said as he moved in for a kiss.

I kissed him back and smiled to myself. June Cleaver would be proud!

Anal play for the straight guy – Part II

If you haven't read Part I of the Anal Play for the Straight Guy series, click here.

An Arlington Boy Guest Post:

Okay, so now your new plaything has come in the mail. And much to your relief, the packaging didn't read: CONTENTS: ONE ASS BLASTER 6000. WARNING! RECIPIENT IS MOST LIKELY SOME KINDA PERVERT AND BELIEVES IN SOCIALIZED MEDICINE.

Your normal masturbation sessions may involve your hand playing the role of the village bicycle. Get up, get off, get out. But tonight you're not going to be with the village bicycle. You're going to treat your ass like someone who plays hard to get: be convincing; take it slow; and be gentle. You get the idea. Your hand is the town slut. Your ass is that rich, stuck up chick whom you finally convinced to give you the time of day.

First, make sure you're alone. Unless you're an exhibitionist, in which case knock yourself out. But do lock the door, shut the blinds, and turn off your phone.

Try pouring yourself a drink to relax a bit. Grab a towel and get comfortable, either on the floor or on your bed. Find a really hot porno, and either pop it into your DVD player or fire it up on your laptop. Since you're doing something you've never done before and are most likely going to be nervous, make sure it's one that has at least one scene that gets you off.

Next, take some time and do whatever it is that makes you feel good. Don't rush. You want to spend some time really getting yourself turned on. When you're starting to feel really hot and bothered, work your hands down to your perineum (the soft, fleshy area between your anus and your balls) and start massaging it and warming it up.

When you're feeling nice and relaxed (and turned on!), take a small dab of lube and apply it to one of your fingers. Then, start circling your anus slowly and gently. Just give it a soft massage in a circular motion. You want to make sure that part of your body is nice and relaxed. When you're feeling confident, slowly insert your finger in juuuuuuust a bit, and rotate it around and massage the entrance to your anus. Give it a good little massage, but again, take your time! And enjoy yourself!

Okay, so now's where the rubber meets the road! Take your plug, and coat it with a generous amount of lube, spreading it out all along the length of the plug (leave the base dry). Wipe off any remaining lube from your fingers, and take a nice, slow deep breath in and out.

Insert it gently and slowly. While "MORE FORCE" might be great for DIY projects such as that screen door that just won't close right, this isn't something you want to rush or use any amount of force on. You might try wiggling it around in a circular motion (gently) while you're (again, gently) pushing on it. Take it slow, and take lots of deep breaths. There's no hurry!

Fact: you actually have two sphincters in your anus. I'm willing to bet the plug started to go in nice and easy. That's your outer sphincter. Hey, this doesn't feel bad! And then you worked it up a bit more and OMG I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!! Congratulations, you just found your inner sphincter. Think of your outer sphincter as the TSA: it'll let anyone come in. Think of your inner sphincter as an elite bodyguard (bootyguard?): none shall pass!

Don't worry… just keep your plug inside you as far as it'll go comfortably. It's perfectly normal for you to feel like you need to move your bowels the further up your plug goes. Keep on watching your movie, pleasuring yourself, and have another sip of your drink. Relax. Your ass will start to get used to the plug, and eventually (particularly as you start to get more turned on—whether from the movie, the plug, or your own self-pleasuring) it should go in the rest of the way. And if it doesn't? No worries. Try it again later.

You've probably read the words "relax," "slowly," and "gently" enough to piss you off by now. Good, because that means I'm driving the point home. Anal play (especially your first time) needs to be taken at a relaxed pace. Rome wasn't built in a day, so don't worry if it takes you a while (even over the course of several sessions) to feel comfortable enough to put your toy all the way in.

Now what? Well, a plug isn't designed for in-and-out action. It's designed to stay in and give you a sense of fullness. So take a few deep breaths, enjoy the feeling of your plug inside you, and gradually bring yourself to climax.

As you start to get to the point of no return, you're going to find something really interesting going on. Your plug is *really* going to start feeling good inside! In fact, your anal muscles are probably going to start milking the plug. This is why your toy has a flared base. To prevent all that slipping and sliding and milking from making your toy rocket up inside you! You might notice the reverse: as you start to ejaculate, your plug actually shoots out of your ass!

Congratulations! You've just taken the first steps to a whole new world of pleasure! Don't be in a hurry to clean yourself up. You did something that a *lot* of people aren't comfortable with. You may have a whole host of feelings going through your mind and your body right now. Relax and enjoy yourself for a bit.

As you continue with your experimentation over the coming days and weeks, you may find you want to get a new toy that's a bit bigger. From personal experience, as good as my Little Flirt toy feels, you'll get only so much mileage out of it before you want to use something larger. Again, take your time, get a plug (or another toy) that's a little bit bigger, and start the whole process over again.

I hope my post has helped demystify anal play and has shown you that there's a whole new world of pleasure that's just waiting for you to explore. If nothing else, I hope you keep this in mind:

If you tried it and enjoyed it, there's nothing wrong with you, and you're perfectly normal!

If you tried it and didn't enjoy it, there's nothing wrong with you, and you're perfectly normal!

Anal play for the straight guy

An Arlington Boy Guest Post:

Months ago, I emailed City Girl with a burning question. I read some of her comments about anal sex and, as a result, was honestly curious about anal self-pleasuring and wanted some good advice on going about trying it out for myself. She gave me some absolutely incredible tips, and I’ve been enjoying anal play for some time now.

A few weeks ago, she asked me if I’d be willing to write a guest blog post about it, and I was more than happy to oblige.

You see, I’m a straight guy. Depressingly so. And a lot of straight guys have a lot of preconceived notions about anal play. Mostly that it’s either for gays, or if you derive pleasure from anal stimulation, you must somehow be gay.

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

Well, I’m here to say that I’ve been enjoying anal play for some time now, and I can assure you that I still have the raging heterosexuality of an NFL offensive line. Sexual orientation doesn’t change based on pleasure zones. And did you know that a lot of gay couples don’t engage in anal play? Ever?

There’s nothing about your anus, or any other of your erogenous zones, that’s unique to your sexual orientation. I’m going to guess if you’re a straight male that you probably like blow jobs, right? Well, so do most gay men. So using the logic of anal sex = gay, blowjob = gay, hmm?

“Waaaaaaaaaaitaminute!,” you might scream. “I like blow jobs, and I’m 100% straight.”

Oh, really? Gay guys like blow jobs too, so by *conventional* wisdom, if you like blow jobs, you clearly *must* be g…

See where I’m going? Pleasure spots aren’t something that’s solely determinate on whether or not you like girls or guys. And your anus has *lots* of pleasure spots.

So what I’d like to do, if nothing else, is to demystify anal self-pleasure for straight guys. That’s not to sound exclusionary to anyone else curious about anal sex. In fact, I hope anyone who reads this post gets something out of it! But there’s an awful lot of psychological baggage involved with straight men and anal play, and it’s to this particular demographic that I’d like to prove to that butt play can indeed be fun and, dare I say it, enjoyable?

So let’s get started!

I personally recommend starting anal experimentation by using a small butt plug. Go to any sex toy website and you’ll see an absolutely bewildering array of anal toys. Different sizes, different materials, different prices. How on Earth are you supposed to choose the *right* toy for your needs?

I’m not gonna lie… you may be in for some trial and error. And truth be told, some websites are better than others in helping you select your first toy. A website I particularly like is Eden Fantasys. They have product reviews, some of which are done by John/Jane Q. Public, while others are done by more frequent reviewers who are vetted by Eden Fantasys. So the likelihood of being influenced by industry shills who are *cough* plugging their own company’s goods are considerably reduced.

I checked toy reviews (on more than one site) and I happened to luck out and get what I consider to be the perfect first-time toy, and I’m going to recommend it to you because I think it’s the perfect starter model: the Little Flirt by Tantus.

The Little Flirt is a butt plug, which is perfect for anal newbies. Upon opening the box, you’ll notice it’s hardly intimidating. Even if you opt for something else, do yourself a favor and ensure that it’s clearly marketed towards novices. You can always “size up” later, but you really want to start out small. Your ass isn’t going anywhere!

The only other recommendation I have for a first-time plug is this: your plug (and pretty much any anal toy, really) needs to have a flared base at the end. This is to avoid embarrassing trips to the ER and awkward conversation along the lines of “Gee, Doc, I was reading this blog post a few hours ago and…”

A flared base prevents your new goodie from having so much fun with your ass that it doesn’t want to leave (think of this as the sex toy equivalent of your derelict in-law that moves in one day and never takes the hint to move out. Only your butt plug is more likely to pay the rent than Cousin Bob). And you may think you can drive, text, smoke, and eat a Whopper at the same time, so why should something as simple as keeping a sex toy from sliding up your ass pose any more of a challenge? I’ll explain it further on in this post. But trust me on this one. And keep your eyes on the damn road already!

In fact, let me explain why you don’t want to cut any corners, and why you need to select a toy that’s safe (and thus generally more on the expensive side). I remember reading in some men’s health magazine years ago (probably… wait for it… Men’s Health) that you should treat your penis like a new Mercedes.

You probably didn’t need to be told that.

But what you *do* need to be told is that, if your dick is a new Mercedes, your ass is your dad’s liquor cabinet, and DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MAH LIQUOR BOY, CAUSE I GOT A SHOTGUN AND A SHOVEL AND AIN’T NO ONE GONNA MISS YOUR ASS.

I jest, but you really, really do not want to (ahem…) fuck around with the health of your ass. And that means don’t cheap out on your new toy. You want safe. You want the sex toy equivalent of a Volvo, not a Porsche.

You’re also going to want a good quality lube. There are special lubes made just for anal sex that are nice and thick and gloppy. I honestly don’t have a preference for lube. A good one City Girl recommended to me is ForPlay. I use the Gel Plus version, and it’s a great lube for anal play.

Note: some gels contain desensitizers. You may also see separate anal desensitizers. I haven’t used them personally, but from what I hear, you should stay far, far away from them. The logic being that they desensitize a very sensitive, delicate part of your anatomy. To the point where you may end up using more force than is necessary (or wise), when you go to play, only to be in pain (or worse!) later. To put it this way: would you take a painkiller and ask someone to proceed to rack you in the nuts? Damn right you wouldn’t! So don’t do anything equally silly.

What should you do once you get your toy? We’ll get to that in our next post.