02.08.10
I get it! Kind of.
I woke up on October 14, 2009, thinking about my fight with Buckeyes Boy the night before. Buckeyes Boy kissed me and went off to work, and soon thereafter, my thoughts went to Philly Matt.
“Why Philly Matt?” you might be wondering.
Well, last night, Buckeyes Boy asked me how many ex-boyfriends I was still in touch with (beyond the casual Facebook friends).
Me: Other than Virginia Boy, one or two.
Buckeyes Boy: Well, which is it, ‘one or two?’
Me: One that I talk to on occasion [Boston Christian, my high school love] and one that I’m very close with – Philly Matt.
Buckeyes Boy didn’t say anything more about that, but I could tell that he wasn’t comfortable with the fact that I was friends with my ex-boyfriends.
I haven’t blogged about Philly Matt since my posts about our break-up. Somehow, we surprisingly found a way to turn our failed relationship into a friendship — a very strong friendship. When I last spoke with him two weeks ago, I told him about Buckeyes Boy:
Well, it’s still new, but if he finds a job in DC, we’re going to move in together. Who knows what will happen, but I’m happy.
Philly Matt: I can tell you’re smitten! I’m happy for you. You deserve this.
Me [blushing, even though I was on the phone]: Thanks! That means a lot coming from you. I am smitten.
During that conversation, Philly Matt and I also talked about my group’s annual ski trip. He asked if Julie was taking deposits for the house yet, and I told him that she would probably send an e-mail out about it soon.
In the back of my head, I wondered how Buckeyes Boy would feel about Matt coming along. This might be odd to convey to people not in my circle of friends, but I really wanted both of them there. Philly Matt is an integral part of our group, and people in our circle stay close (and have gone on the ski trip) even after they’ve separated.
I relayed the conversation to Julie and we decided that I should make sure that Buckeyes Boy was staying in town before addressing the Philly Matt Factor with him. (Back then, I didn’t know if Buckeyes Boy’s job search was going to to lead him to Nashville or Chicago.) Buckeyes Boy had said that he would come on the trip if his schedule allowed, but I wanted to see how our relationship evolved before bringing up the guest list.
My wait-and-see approach was shot to hell last night, though, when Buckeyes Boy emphatically stated that he didn’t even want to meet any guy I had been with – ugh! How was I going to broach going on the ski trip with my ex, Philly Matt? I knew that I had to defer to my boyfriend’s wishes, but I’m the kind of person who wants everyone to get along and all parties to be happy. I started to feel like this wasn’t going to be Three’s Company, and that Philly Matt was going to be left out in the cold on this one.
I also was trying to figure out why Buckeyes Boy got so upset last night about my coffee/lunch with Virginia Boy. I had a feeling that Matt could explain it to me so I picked up the phone and called him. I relayed the events of the past day and asked him for the guy’s take on the situation.
Philly Matt: We’re men. It’s in our nature. We’re possessive. It’s an animal thing to mark our territory. He’s going to have a problem with any guy who was
Me [interrupting]: In my ass? [We both laugh.]
Philly Matt: I was going to say, ‘had sex with,’ but I think you get my point.
Me [the light goes off in my head]: Aaah! So for you guys, it’s just about the physical. The emotional piece or whether or not we were in love doesn’t matter. If we had sex, you don’t want to hear about it. And you don’t want us hanging out with them as friends. Period.
Philly Matt: Exactly.
Me: Wow! That’s just the opposite from how Julie and I see it. We might care if it was a girl that our man had loved, but sex is just sex. Thank you, baby, I knew that you could explain it to me!
Philly Matt: When you and I were dating, you know that I didn’t mind meeting people that you had slept with before, but I’m not like most guys. Even still, when I read those posts about how you would go out with your exes when we were dating, I still felt a little jealous. It’s just a natural reaction for us guys.
Me: You know that nothing happened with them? When we were together, I only wanted to be with you.
Philly Matt: Yes.
Me: [Long pause.] So, I’m not sure how the ski trip is going to work. I’m thinking that if Buckeyes Boy and I go up to Philly for Marisa’s reception in January that maybe we can all grab a drink or something? I think if he sees you and how cool we are, he might change his mind. I would hate for you not to be able to go or for us not to be able to hang out, but I also don’t want him to feel uncomfortable.
Philly Matt: Just let me know.
Me: Thanks baby! I’m sure we can figure something out.
We said goodbye, and my phone buzzed with a text from Virginia Boy. I headed downstairs for Coffee Talk Part II.
Am I crazy to think that this can work out? Are any of you close friends with your exes? How have subsequent significant others reacted?
To be continued…
02.07.10
Trouble brewing
When Buckeyes Boy came home from work on October 13, 2009, we talked about his day. Since the Verizon Center hosts events almost every night of the week, he realized that his days were going to be very long, but he was still excited about the position and his responsibilities.
Buckeyes Boy: How are you feeling? How did the dentist go? [Because of my health conditions, I need to take four antibiotics just to get my teeth cleaned.]
Me [smiling]: Not too bad.
Buckeyes Boy: Did you do anything else today?
Me: Well, I heard from an old friend this morning. He happened to be in the neighborhood so we went downstairs for coffee before I went to the dentist.
Buckeyes Boy: Did you have fun?
Me: Yeah. I haven’t seen him in like two years. He went to the same high school that Julie and most of our group went to. We IM a lot, but he doesn’t live around here. [Pause.] It’s really good that we can go out together as friends now. I wasn’t sure if he could do that since I hadn’t seen him since we stopped having sex, but now it’s cool between us.
[I looked up and saw Buckeyes Boy’s eyes get really big. He took a step back from me in the kitchen, and I realized that I shouldn’t have said that last part. Fuck. This was going to be a long night.]
Buckeyes Boy: Wait a minute, you SLEPT with this guy?
Me: Yeah, a few times a couple of years ago. It wasn’t a big deal. I never loved him. It was just casual, which is why it’s easy to be friends with him.
Buckeyes Boy [as his eyes get even wider and he takes another step back]: And you went out with him for coffee today?
Me: Yes.
Buckeyes Boy: Anything else?
Me: Well, he offered to drive me to the dentist, and I had to bring Nutter up so I showed him around the place.
Buckeyes Boy: You brought him up here? To OUR place?
Me: Yes, just to drop off Nutter and give him a quick tour since I had told him a lot about the place. We’re just friends. Nothing happened. He knows all about you. If you hadn’t been at work, I would’ve invited you along for coffee.
Buckeyes Boy: I don’t want to meet any guy that you’ve been with. [Pause.] You realize why I’m upset?
Me: Not really.
Buckeyes Boy: Think about if the situation was reversed. What if I had lunch with Susan and then brought her up here when you weren’t home and then she drove me to an appointment?
Me: In this scenario, does Susan know we’re a couple and living together?
Buckeyes Boy: Yes.
Me: Then I would be fine with it. A hook-up is just a hook-up. Virginia Boy and I weren’t even a couple! Plus, he knows I love you and that you’re IT for me!
Buckeyes Boy: You would be furious with me! You can’t pretend that you wouldn’t be!
Me: I wouldn’t if she knew that we were a couple and that this was our place.
He sat down on the couch to eat dinner. I could tell that he was still mad, when he brought up the topic again 15 minutes later.
Buckeyes Boy: So, you had a soy chai?
Me: Yeah. And egg salad.
Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice a bit]: So, it wasn’t just coffee? You had LUNCH with him?
Me: Well, he pitched coffee, but since he meeting ran long and I was starving, we had sandwiches, too.
Buckeyes Boy [exhaling]: You would be so mad at me if the situation was reversed.
Me: No, I wouldn’t be, as long as the girl knew that we were together. We’re adults. You even said after you read my blog post after we met that we all have pasts. If you and I are solid as a couple, then what do I care if you hang out with someone you slept with years ago?
Buckeyes Boy: I just know you would.
Me: I wouldn’t. Trust me. Our pasts are our pasts. I care about being included in your life now. Everyone in my world, including Virginia Boy, knows how I feel about you. That’s what should matter. [Pause.] So…Virginia Boy has to be back in the neighborhood for work tomorrow and asked if I wanted to grab coffee with him again…should I text him, ‘No?’
Buckeyes Boy: You can go.
Me: Are you sure?
Buckeyes Boy replied in the affirmative, but his actions were far from affectionate for the rest of the evening. He kissed me back, but I could tell that he couldn’t get my coffee date out of his mind. I tried to respect what he was feeling, but I didn’t get it.
In the morning, he asked me if I was going to see Virginia Boy.
Me: He’s a friend who I don’t get to see that much so yes. Unless you tell me you don’t want me to, in which case I’ll text him that I can’t.
Buckeyes Boy: You can go.
Am I missing something? What’s the big deal? Was Buckeyes Boy overreacting or was I being insensitive? Comment or tweet :).
Next Post: A call with Philly Matt and more coffee with Virginia Boy.
02.06.10
Coffee…talk
It was Sunday, October 11th, 2009, and Buckeyes Boy was starting his job at the Verizon Center in the morning. We spent the day at my friend’s house, watching football, and then headed home. I figured that we would have sex, but that didn’t happen since Buckeyes Boy had a lot to do in preparation for his first day. Suit ironed? Check. Passport located? Check. Clean-shaven? Check. But, girlfriend satisfied anally? Nope.
I thought of saying something since it was odd for us not to have sex, but I realized that this week wasn’t about me. Buckeyes Boy was heading back to work and would require a little extra support this week. Before we went to sleep, I scrolled through my phone and found the texts that he had sent me less than four weeks ago, when he first received the call from the Verizon Center. We read them together in bed, talking about how amazing the past month had been!
The following morning, I got out of bed when he did. As he was getting ready, I handed him a card to open later. It was a “Congratulations!” card, and I had written a few lines about how excited I was for him and how lucky the Verizon Center was to have him as part of the team. I noted that the sky was the limit in this position, and that he deserved all the happiness and success that was coming to him. I also wrote that I would be behind him 100% no matter what. (Chicago, be damned!) Later in the afternoon, he called me to thank me for the card and for being so sweet and supportive.
When Buckeyes Boy got home from work after an 11-hour day, he was exhausted, but elated. His boss expected him to hit the ground running, and he was ready to do just that. I had cupcakes waiting to celebrate his first day on the job, and later we had some celebratory anal. (I know…you saw that one coming from a mile away.)
The following day, he headed off to work in the morning, and I sat down on the couch to work on my thesis. My phone vibrated, and I saw a text…from Virginia Boy.
(You might recall that Virginia Boy and I dated briefly in early 2007, but we were much better as friends.) We usually communicated via IM, though, so I was surprised to hear from him via text.
VA Boy: You at home?
Me: Yep.
VA Boy: Have a meeting in your neighborhood. Wanna grab coffee?
Me: Sure.
I had thought of e-mailing or calling Buckeyes Boy to let him know about my plans, but I didn’t want to disturb him at work. (I might have texted him, but his iPhone had stopped working over the weekend.) I didn’t think it would be a big deal to just tell Buckeyes Boy about it later.
I hadn’t seen Virginia Boy in almost two years so it was great to catch up with him in person. We have a lot in common, and he’s a smart and interesting guy. Coffee turned into lunch since we were both hungry. I frequent this place a lot, and the woman behind the sandwich counter asked me in Spanish if Virginia Boy was my husband.
“God no!” I exclaimed in response, as I started cracking up.
I translated the conversation for Virginia Boy, and he laughed, too.
The weather was perfect so we sat out on the patio. I had told him about Buckeyes Boy a couple of weeks ago during a chat so he knew all the details of our relationship and that we were moving in together. Now that we were in person, Virginia Boy said:
You seem really happy. I’m happy for you.
Me: Thanks. I am.
Our lunch really cemented in my mind how far Virginia Boy and I had come. We weren’t necessarily friends when we had dated, but we had become friends now. I could talk to him about anything and everything (from my health to how great sex was with Buckeyes Boy) and there wasn’t any sexual tension between us anymore. Whew!
We finished our lunch, and Virginia Boy offered to give me a ride to my dentist’s appointment. I had to bring my dog upstairs first, though, and Virginia Boy came with me. (He and I had IM-ed quite a bit about my new place so I was glad that he could see it in person.) I gave him a quick tour, and then we headed off to K Street.
As we were saying goodbye, Virginia Boy mentioned that he would have to come back to the neighborhood to pick up a contract the following day.
Virginia Boy: Would you like to do coffee again?
Me: Sure. Sounds great. Thanks again for a fun afternoon!
I never thought that Buckeyes Boy would have a problem with me catching up with an old friend. Boy, was I wrong!
To be continued…
02.04.10
The intimacy of anal
I have been frequenting L2 Lounge quite a bit recently. When people ask what I do (which is usually the first question that people in DC ask of each other), I mention that I’m an attorney and a blogger. The following is representative of the conversation that ensues:
Q: What do you blog about?
A: Relationships and sex.
Q: Really?
A: Yes. It’s like a racier Sex and the City.
Q: Really?
A: Yes.
Q: So…what’s the raciest thing you’ve written about?
A: I have a lot of posts on anal sex.
[Long pause.]
Other questions follow, but women tend to inquire as to what I love about anal.
A: Well, it’s the most intimate sexual act in my opinion.
Q: How is it intimate? You can’t even kiss during it.
A: Yes, you can [with a look of disbelief in my eyes].
If I had only heard that question once, then I might not have blogged about it. But, I’ve been asked that several times in recent weeks. To clarify, any position that works for regular sex can work for anal sex. However, much like traditional sex, body types, flexibility and the size of the man’s cock must be factored into the equation. (I explore this in more detail in my Anal 2.0 post.)
My favorite position for anal with Lawyer Boy involved me on top, facing him. That enabled us to kiss and also kept my clit and pussy within an easy arm’s reach for added stimulation. That position with Baseball Boy didn’t work, though, logistically, since he was bigger in build, but smaller in other areas than Lawyer Boy.
So, Baseball Boy and I tended to go for doggy-style anal. Buckeyes Boy and I enjoy anal when I’m lying down on my stomach with him right on top of me. That also allows for some clitoral stimulation from friction with the sheets, and I can easily turn around and kiss him. We also love when he is on top facing me, and I’m on my side with my head away from him and one leg wrapped around his waist or over his shoulder.
Anal sex involves trial and error, and communication with your partner. Anal sex is also not typically an act that straight women do precipitously. Might you find some woman who is willing to do that? Sure. But, how many women are interested in trying anal? (According to a CDC report, 35% of women between 25 and 44 admitted to having anal sex.) How many of that group actually enjoy it? And, how many are willing to engage in anal play outside of a serious relationship?
I’ve had sex with quite a few guys in my life. But, I’ve only had anal with a small number of guys. (Yes, I just counted them, and my “small number” is objectively small.) I need to have trust and understanding with a man before I would even consider having anal sex with him. I also need to feel safe…to know that he will be patient and that he cares about me even to not hurt me.
If anal (or any other act) is something you value, you can always find ways to make the act more intimate. Focus on setting the stage before you begin to have sex with your partner. (Candles, music, flowers, chocolate or whatever else you like can help to set the mood.) Take your time with foreplay, making sure that the woman gets off at least once clitorally, and the act itself. Let your partner know how you feel about them. (There’s time for, “I want you in my ass right now,” but there’s also time for “I love you.”) Kiss each other passionately. At the end of anal, don’t feel ashamed about any necessary clean-up, and grab a washcloth lovingly or take a shower together.
I can’t tell you whether or not you’ll enjoy anal or have any interest in trying it. I can only tell you that if it appeals to you and your partner, it might be worth talking more about it and trying it out with my Anal 101 tips in mind. And, I’ll keep doing my part as an Anal Ambassador of sorts!
PS I just barely finished this post in time for TMI Thursday and NaBloPoMo! Whew!
02.03.10
Dishing on sex and Lush product review
Have you wanted to see what I look like in real life and hear my voice? Well, now’s your chance! I was thrilled to have been featured as a guest on a local cable show, The District Dish. Check out my interview:
I know what you’re thinking:
Nice pixels! (I get that all the time.) Seriously, though, I had a blast taping with the hosts and hope you enjoyed it!
As Valentine’s Day approaches, it seemed like a good time to review Lush’s Soft Coeur Massage Bar.*
Back in college, my roommate, Emma, and I had a saying:
It all starts with a back rub.
What is “it?” Well, sex, of course! See, at that stage, there wasn’t a lot of originality demonstrated or expected in the bedroom. Foreplay typically included Peter Gabriel on the stereo and very little, if any, clitoral stimulation. And, offers to give a back rub were made frequently with an understanding that a massage would lead to a whole lot more. Back rubs and sex went together like frat boys and kegs.
Now, when I ask for my man to give me a massage, it’s because my back aches! Back rubs have thus become more about therapeutic body work than sex for me. Could a massage still lead to sex? Sure. But, that’s no longer the goal.
Following an uncomfortable ride on Amtrak in January 2010, I asked my man to rub my back with Lush’s Massage Bar, Soft Coeur. Soft Coeur is a play on words since in French, “coeur” is heart, and the bar is heart-shaped. The bar fits in the palm of your hand, and is slightly weighted like a bar of soap, yet soft to the touch. The bar is a combination of butters and oils and isn’t a separate massage tool; the bar itself is the lotion!
The instructions recommend splitting the heart into two pieces, but I think the bar works better if you keep it whole. (The larger, seasonal massage bar can easily be broken into smaller pieces, but the heart is too small for that.) I’m not the best at giving massages so I liked that I could use the sides of the heart for leverage.
As I rubbed the bar over my man, the aromatic combination of Cocoa Butter, Honey and Sweet Orange Oil filled the bedroom. The scents were slightly sweet, but not so sweet that my man felt emasculated. Soft Coeur also contains Shea Butter, and isn’t greasy to the touch.
After you apply the bar to skin for a few minutes, you can then place it on the night stand and just continue rubbing the lotion into your partner’s back with your hands. I gave my man a 15-minute massage and divided the time with and without the bar.
When it was my turn to be on the receiving end of the massage, I noticed how much I liked how the bar felt on my skin. And, afterward, I didn’t need to apply lotion or perfume since the light, clean scent and softness lasted for several hours.
Although this product was designed for couples, my man had a great thought. He said:
I could see a girl using it by herself as a way to apply lotion without any grease or mess.
Baby, you are a smart one! (Lush, get on that rebranding!) Why bother with squeezing a bottle of lotion or worrying about oil dripping on the floor if you don’t need to? Just grab some Soft Coeur or another one of Lush’s massage bars and rub it into your skin as needed!
Tip: if you have a heater or candle in the room, don’t keep the bar too close to the heat or flame, or it will melt. Lush sells a decorative tin in which you can keep the massage bars, but I found that my bars have stayed solid if I keep them in a cool, dry place.
Lush advises putting a towel down over your sheets or comforter before you massage your partner with Soft Coeur. We didn’t heed the directions and didn’t find any residue or discoloration on the sheets afterward. The box also indicates that the bar makes for a sensual – if rather – sticky massage. Sensual, I get. But, sticky? That wasn’t our experience. Traditional lotion is much stickier, and oils are much greasier.
Soft Coeur is the second product from the True Romance box of goodies that I don’t just like, but I love! I highly recommend buying this as your Valentine’s Day present to yourself – whether or not you have a significant other! Lush’s Soft Coeur will cover you with softness whether you are looking for a lotion, relief for sore muscles, or intimacy!
Oh, and in case you are wondering, yes, it all started with a back rub when we tried Soft Coeur and ended with sex. Did you expect anything less?
*In accordance with FTC Guidelines, I received the True Romance box of goodies from Lush free of charge in exchange for my honest assessment of the products contained within.
Next Posts: More Buckeyes Boy tales and a sex advice piece on The Intimacy of Anal!
02.02.10
Who let the dog out? Not Buckeyes Boy.
I adopted a dog from a rescue organization last March. Nutter — short for Fluffernutter — is a sweet, shy 7-year-old ball of fluff. She spent five years in an abusive puppy mill as a breeding dog before she was found on the side of a country road in Virginia. She’s not a typical dog in that she doesn’t jump, lick or bark. (Those were all things that she was never encouraged or allowed to do.)
Nutter is my first pet, and I spoil her rotten. I could try to explain how happy she makes me, but if you don’t have a pet, you probably won’t understand. (Well, even if you do have a pet, you might not understand.) Nutter has learned to trust me, but she’s still very timid around most humans. I thus wasn’t surprised that Nutter wasn’t thrilled when Buckeyes Boy came into the picture. And, Buckeyes Boy didn’t know what to make of a dog that didn’t interact with him.
During the first few weeks of our relationship, Buckeyes Boy would join us on our late-night walks. But, once I was no longer fearful of Creepy Apology Man approaching me, Buckeyes Boy stopped going out with me. He would give Nutter a treat before bed, but that was the extent of his reaching out. I tried to remain optimistic that their relationship would improve, though.
In late September 2009, I had plans for a Girls’ Night with my friends in Virginia, and Buckeyes Boy was helping Paul, his friend from the Twestival, move.
Me: What time do you think you’ll be back?
Buckeyes Boy: We should be done around 4 or 5. Then, we’ll probably grab a drink or get something to eat so…maybe 7 or 8?
Me: I probably won’t be home until 9 at the earliest so is it okay if I leave food on the counter and you feed Nutter when you get home?
Buckeyes Boy: Sure.
I texted him at 8:30pm to let him know that I was heading out to dinner and wouldn’t be back until 10:30 or 11pm. He replied a few minutes before 9:00pm that he had just finished up.
When I walked in the door at 10:45pm, my place was oddly quiet. I called for Buckeyes Boy, and didn’t receive a response. I found Nutter in the kitchen with her food still on the counter. I fed her, exhaled and texted him:
Are you still out with Paul? Let me know when you are walking back from the Metro and Nutter and I will come down.
He texted me 45 minutes later, and we went outside. Buckeyes Boy told me about how much stuff Paul and his girlfriend had to move, and how the other friends who were supposed to help them out never showed up. He also said that as a thank you, Paul took him out for an hour after they were done. But, he didn’t mention anything about Nutter.
The following day, it was still on my mind so I decided to bring it up casually:
So…I realize that the move took a lot more time than you and Paul anticipated, but next time, would you mind texting me? I would have had Mary or Carly feed Nutter.
Buckeyes Boy: What’s the big deal? It’s not like she’s starving!
Me: Well, dogs respond well to a schedule. Things come up. Just give me a heads up next time. Mary or Carly could have fed her, and it wouldn’t have been a big deal.
Buckeyes Boy: Okay. You and your dog. [He rolls his eyes at me.]
I tried not to care, but it bothered me. Yes, Nutter is my dog and not his. And, yes, I spoil her. But, I asked Buckeyes Boy to do something small around the house, and he agreed to do it. Then, not only didn’t he do it, but he didn’t seem to feel like that was a problem. I wondered if this was a sign of things to come.
The following week, I had a charity event to attend near the Hill and Buckeyes Boy had a social media event in Bethesda. I arrived home a little after he did, and found him making dinner in the kitchen. We kissed and caught up a for a few minutes about how our evenings went.
Me [looking in the living room]: Where’s Nutter?
Buckeyes Boy: In the bedroom. [When I’m gone, I keep her in the bedroom with her crate door open, but the bedroom door closed. Then, when I get home, I'll open the door and she comes out to the living room.]
Me: She didn’t want to come out?
Buckeyes Boy: I guess not.
Me [already walking toward the bedroom]: But, the door is open, right?
Buckeyes Boy: No, I just went in and changed and came out.
I walked in my bedroom to find her in her crate. I also found something else on the carpet: her first accident in the house since I had adopted her in March!
Buckeyes Boy [coming into the bedroom and seeing the stain on the rug]: Well, she’s your dog!
Me: She’s never done this before! I realize that she’s not your dog. But, if you come home before me, would you mind acknowledging her and making sure the bedroom door is open?
Buckeyes Boy: Okay, but she won’t come out if you’re not here.
Me: Maybe…maybe not…but at least give her the option.
Two days later, I saw that she had thrown up. When I went to clean the mess up, I noticed that it was heavy with blue and white threads in it – like from a blanket. I wondered if she had eaten something outside or in the hallway that I hadn’t noticed.
While I was walking her, it crossed my mind that she might have chewed up one of his dress shirts. If that was the case, I knew that he would be livid! I got back to the house and went into the bedroom.
Buckeyes Boy: What are you looking for?
Me: Umm. [Long pause.] Ohhh! So, I noticed that Nutter had thrown up this morning, but I couldn’t tell from what. I was worried that it was one of your dress shirts. [His eyes get really big, and I could tell that he was going to get mad.] But, it wasn’t. She chewed up your boxers.
His blue plaid boxers had no material between the legs anymore, and the sides were open, too. I started laughing, as I handed them to him. He held them up against his 6’2”, 245 pound frame.
Buckeyes Boy: They’re a skirt! They were my favorite boxers, too!
I had to stifle my laughter, but I found it really funny.
Me: Next time, you shouldn’t ignore her. Sorry, baby, I’ll buy you a new pair.
The moment that he left the house, I called my friend to tell her the story and we started cracking up.
Julie: Nutter might not bark, but she sure lets you know what she’s thinking.
Nice one, Nutter! Good girl!
02.01.10
Party time…and back on track
Before I get back to the next post about Buckeyes Boy, I want to cordially invite you to my Blog Party at Black Finn DC on March 9, 2010!
Come help me celebrate my first year as a blogger and the wonderful blogging and Twitter communities in DC! I’m also timing the event to coincide with the big reveal of the news about my relationship with Buckeyes Boy :)! There will be good food, good drinks, door prizes, and hopefully, you! You can RSVP here with your first name and e-mail or Twitter account. Hope to see you there!
Now, back to your regularly-scheduled blog post:
Buckeyes Boy and I were back on track. He was starting his job at the Verizon Center in a few days, and we would be moving in together soon. Living with someone was a big step for me. Correction. A HUGE step. In 36 years, I had never officially lived with anyone. But, I was willing to let go of some of my independence, anal-retentiveness and only child traits to grow in my relationship with Buckeyes Boy. Moving in with him officially was the logical next step, and I was really looking forward to that and whatever else the future had in store for us.
Buckeyes Boy had told me that he had lived with a woman in Charlotte, although he never got into specifics about their relationship. One morning in October 2009, I decided to ask him about it.
Me: So, when you were living with the girl in Charlotte, what was your arrangement?
Buckeyes Boy: There really wasn’t any.
Me: Well, how much rent did you pay?
Buckeyes Boy: I didn’t. I lived there, but I just had a small space in the corner of a room and one drawer. It’s not like here, where I’ll have my own room. Most girls aren’t as giving as you.
Me [laughing]: Thanks. Did you have your own place at the time?
Buckeyes Boy: No.
Me: But, you were living together as a couple?
Buckeyes Boy: Well…not really…it was more a relationship of convenience.
Me [feeling confused]: Huh. Okay. But, you lived with her for like a year like that, right?
Buckeyes Boy: Yeah, we did…but it wasn’t like we were serious. We didn’t talk about anything long-term. Not like us.
I found it odd that his girlfriend in Charlotte would let him stay with her rent-free for a year, but to each her own. I did feel like his time with her benefited me, though, in some respects. He was very easy to have as a boyfriend and a roommate. He wasn’t messy. He helped out with things around the house. He was a great listener and understanding of my moods. He seemed respectful of my place…or, as it was quickly becoming, “our” place.
When my friends heard that the Verizon Center had made Buckeyes Boy an offer, they were happy for him and for us.
“When does he start his job?” they asked me.
“When will he go to Toronto to get his stuff out of storage?” a few friends wondered.
But, the most common question by far was:
When is Buckeyes Boy going to start paying rent?
I knew that I needed to broach that issue with him, but I was a bit very apprehensive. I don’t like talking about money, and I didn’t want to do or say anything that might rock the boat. But, on a dog walk one evening, the subject came up organically. We were talking about prices of apartments in the area, and he mentioned that he had looked a several units in buildings in Arlington before we met.
Me: How much did those places run?
Buckeyes Boy: Around $1800.
Me: So…with what you’ll be making at Verizon, is that still a range that you’d feel comfortable paying every month?
Buckeyes Boy: Yes.
Me: [Long pause.] I know we had talked about formally moving in together, but we haven’t really talked about the money component. I realize you haven’t even started your job yet, let alone received your first pay check, but once you get settled and get your stuff out of storage in Toronto, will you be able to start paying rent?
Buckeyes Boy [without hesitation]: Yes.
Me [smiling]: Great.
I exhaled as subtly as I could. That awkward conversation was behind me. Even though we had only started dating a month ago(!), it was difficult to imagine my life without him. And, thankfully, given how everything was working out, I wouldn’t have to. [Insert mega-watt smile here.]
01.30.10
From bad news…to good news
I barely slept the night after Buckeyes Boy received the call that he had gotten the job at the Verizon Center. We should have been ecstatic, but the news was bittersweet. Although he was offered a better position and more money, the company added a new component to the job: he would have to spend half of his time in Chicago. That didn’t faze me in the slightest, but Buckeyes Boy saw working in Chicago for two weeks a month as a relationship deal breaker!
I was so hurt that Buckeyes Boy didn’t seem willing to try to make our relationship work that I stayed up most of that night back in October 2009 crying. How did extended business travel qualify as a long distance relationship? Why was he so focused on the need to come home to me every night? Couldn’t the distance be a good thing to help ensure that we didn’t take each other for granted? And, how did we go from the blissful honeymoon stage to potentially breaking up so quickly?
When I got out of bed the following morning, my eyes were so puffy that I couldn’t even apply any eye makeup. (For those of you who don’t wear cosmetics, makeup would just have accentuated the puffiness.) That day, I had plans with my friend, Regan, and her kids. When I arrived at her house, it didn’t take her long to notice my puffy eyes and ask if I was okay. I explained the situation to her.
Regan: When does Buckeyes Boy start his job?
Me: Monday.
Regan: When is he supposed to go to Chicago?
Me: He doesn’t know yet. The company is trying to win some contracts out there so I guess his bosses will figure it out after that happens.
Regan: So…his presence in Chicago is dependent on the company winning several contracts?
Me: Yep.
Regan: Who’s doing the job out in Chicago now?
Me: No one. They created the position just for him.
Regan: So…Buckeyes Boy wants to break up over a job he hasn’t even started yet…for a position that’s newly created…because he might be going to Chicago…sometime? Why throw in the towel for a ‘What if?’
Me: Wow! I hadn’t thought of it that way. Doesn’t make a lot of sense when you put it like that.
Regan: You just need to see if he’s willing to ride it out. Ask him not to be hasty and to wait to see how things will play out before he makes any decisions about your relationship.
Me: You are amazing! Perfect advice! [I give her a huge hug.]
My demeanor changed the moment that I was able to reframe the situation. When I went home, Buckeyes Boy was sitting on the couch.
Me: Hey baby! [We kiss.]
Buckeyes Boy: Hey. You’re in a good mood!
Me: I am. I had the best afternoon with Regan. Her kids are always a blast to play with. I really needed to be silly.
Buckeyes Boy: Good.
Me: What have you been up to?
Buckeyes Boy: Not much. Just waiting to receive the formal offer from Rick [the director at the Verizon Center].
Me: Cool. I told Regan about the job stuff. She had some interesting thoughts. You up for hearing them?
Buckeyes Boy: Sure.
Me: Well…her thought was that since you haven’t even started the job yet…and you don’t even know when you are going to Chicago…and this is a totally new position for the company…that we should wait to see what happens before we make decisions about our relationship. Why risk throwing everything away over a ‘What if?’ That seemed logical to me. Would that work for you?
Buckeyes Boy: Yes.
Me [as my face lights up like I’m a child on Christmas morning]: Really?
Buckeyes Boy [smiling back at me]: Yes.
Me [as I walk over to the couch to sit on top of his lap]: Yay! Yay! Yay! [We kiss.]
From good news…to bad news…back to good news. He got the job! He would be based in DC! We could figure out Chicago later, right?
PPS I tend to end my posts with a lot of unanswered questions and cliffhangers. But, I won’t do that this time. Fingers crossed, this is the last post in which I will even have to mention Chicago. All that fretting was for naught, readers, as Buckeyes Boy has yet to travel to Chicago :)!
01.29.10
Good news…and bad news
Let us return (after a much longer hiatus than anticipated) to the tale of City Girl and Buckeyes Boy.
When last we left, it seemed likely that Buckeyes Boy would receive a job offer for the position at the Verizon Center. But, I still worried a bit that the recruiter for the great position in Nashville might put a wrench in our plans to move in together.
Buckeyes Boy received a call the first week in October 2009 about the Verizon Center job. The company wanted him to meet with the Senior Vice-President in Philadelphia as soon as possible. We both took that as a very promising sign!
When Buckeyes Boy arrived home after his interview in Philly, his smile illuminated the room. He was so excited about the position, and the company was equally as excited about him. The senior executive said that she had “big plans” for him, and that an offer would be sent his way tomorrow.
Buckeyes Boy said that he would call me as soon as he heard from the Verizon Center. He was planning to have dinner with his family in Maryland that night. Fingers crossed, we would be celebrating when he returned.
[A few hours after he left for Maryland, my phone rang.]
Me: Did you get it?
Buckeyes Boy: Yes.
Me: AWESOME!!! Congratulations, baby!!! I’m so excited for you! [I was grinning from ear-to-ear by this point, as a few tears of joy filled my eyes.]
Buckeyes Boy: Yeah. Well, there’s some good news…and some bad news…
Me: What do you mean?
Buckeyes Boy: Well, they offered me a Regional Manager position so I’ll be responsible for more than just the Verizon Center.
Me: That’s great! I told you that they recognized your experience! So…what’s the bad news?
Buckeyes Boy: The region isn’t just in the area. They want me to be half time in Chicago.
Me: Okay. That’s great, isn’t it?
Buckeyes Boy: But, you know how I feel about long distance relationships.
Me: Well, you’ll be in DC for 50% of the time, right? Your home base would still be DC?
Buckeyes Boy: Yes.
Me: So…that’s not really long distance. You’d be based in DC so it’s more like traveling a lot for work. That’s not a big deal.
Buckeyes Boy: It is to me, though. I just don’t think it will work if I’m not able to come home to you every night. I need that consistency.
Me: Well, we can make do. It’s more important how we feel about each other.
Buckeyes Boy: But, I know myself and I know how I get when I’m away from my girlfriend. I just don’t see how 50% would be enough for me. Maybe if they only wanted me out there a few days here and there, but they are picturing two weeks here and two weeks there. That’s too much time apart for me.
[I was speechless, and then started sobbing. You know when a girl is crying so hard that she has trouble breathing? It was like that. I have tears in my eyes now as I’m writing about this conversation.]
Buckeyes Boy: This is so bittersweet for me. My family can’t stop talking about how great this is and asking why I’m not more excited. I couldn’t wait for the offer, but when Rick [the local manager] said, “Chicago,” I just dreaded talking to you about everything. I’m not even happy about the job. I don’t want to end things, but I don’t know how this is going to work.
Me: [Long pause.] I can’t stop crying so why don’t we just talk more when you get home? I am really happy you got offered the job, though.
Buckeyes Boy: Thanks, baby. I’m sorry. I’ll be home after dinner.
When he arrived home several hours later, our conversation was more of the same. I tried to come up with solutions and even offered to go out to Chicago every month with him, but Buckeyes Boy felt like he should get acclimated to the job on his own first. He should have been ecstatic, but instead, he seemed overwhelmed – and he hadn’t even started work yet!
The sadness in the room was palpable, and when he kissed me, it felt different. We held each other loving, but there was a sense of longing and finality to every touch. We didn’t say much, as I turned over. He went inside my ass, and for the first time since we had started dating four weeks ago, we came at exactly the same time.
Me: I needed that.
Buckeyes Boy: I know you did.
Me: I have faith that we can figure this out.
Buckeyes Boy: It’s a lot for me to process right now since I didn’t know that Chicago was part of the position, but I hope so.
We kissed each other good night. He rolled over and fell sound asleep. I went to the bathroom and started crying again.
He got the job. And, we might be breaking up. Talk about good news and bad news!
