My Sex Sabbatical

Their mouths open, as they try not to have their jaws drop right in front of me. I see their eyes getting wider. There are long, awkward pauses in the conversation. And, then, inevitably my friends will say, "Really? Seriously?" Yes, I tell them. I am on a sex sabbatical. And, I couldn't be happier.

I've alluded to taking a break from serious and sexual relationships in an earlier post. When I ended things with Lawyer Boy last November, I didn't want to repeat my usual pattern of rushing into a relationship or getting back with an ex-boyfriend. Both responses were classic, albeit temporary, ways of trying to make myself feel better at the time. And, in the end, my feelings and the need to process moving on from someone I loved couldn't be ignored.

In November, I told myself that I wouldn't have sex for three months. When February hit, I thought it would be "Go Time," and that I could just get back on that proverbial horse. But, spending time with my ex, Philly Matt, on The Skip Trip with my friends showed me that I wasn't ready for that yet…even when the sex would have been as nice, easy and comfortable as slipping on a pair of Cole Haan loafers.

So, three months turned to six. Shortly, after that, I learned that Lawyer Boy and his wife, Darby, were expecting. Darby's pregnancy isn't about me (obviously), but I did need a few weeks to process my feelings about it. Once I knew her due date, I told myself that it was time to exhale and move on…for good. Of course, there are things I miss about Lawyer Boy, but their rocky marriage is just that…theirs!

In the spring, I read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. There's a quote from page 149 that resonated with me that I'd like to share with you all:

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.

But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go…[his] purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so a new light could get in, make you so desperate, and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over.


When I was in a relationship with Lawyer Boy, I wouldn't say that I was desperate or out of control. I also don't think that he was my soul mate, but we had an extremely intense connection. I've learned more about myself from being with him and then moving on and really taking the time to grieve the loss than I have from any other relationship. (In that sense, the quote from Gilbert's book really spoke to me.) And, now, I find myself happier than I've ever been! I admit that I'm surprised about that, but it makes me smile.

So, how does this all relate to my sex sabbatical? Well, I've been looking at how I've used sex or guys over the years. I've had a hell of a lot of fun and wouldn't change my past if I could. And, I don't want to change the fact that I'm a very sexual person. That's innately part of my make-up. But, I'm at a point where I'm so content with my life that I don't want to add a serious and/or sexual relationship to the mix if it's not worth it. Correction, really worth it.

I've started dating someone recently. We're still getting to know each other, but I like him enough that I don't want to jinx anything by blogging about him. Some of my close friends have asked me how the sex is with him and are shocked that I haven't slept with him yet…and don't plan on doing so anytime soon.

When I have sex next, it's going to mean something. If I just want to get off, I can do that myself. I don't need a man for anything in my life (see: my Single and Proud of It post), and I'm not bringing a guy into my world unless there's added value.

I saw a blurb on TV about Steve Harvey and his relationship book. He described sex as "the prize" for the man and thought that a woman should wait at least 90 days before having sex with a guy. He reasoned that if it takes you 90 days to get health insurance at a new job, then should there be any less of a probationary period for sex?

Three months seems a bit extreme, but I get Harvey's point. When I'm ready to have sex again, I will. And, I won't be blogging about it after it happens — well, at least not for a while ;). As I told my favorite sportscaster last night on the phone, "City Girl is growing up."

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