A friend recently asked me to write a post about jilling or fingering a girl.

I think back to my junior year in high school with Boston Christian, when "going to third" was our favorite thing to do. Any place — parking lots, cars, movie theaters and parks — would do for hand jobs and fingering. He was the first guy who made me orgasm, and I just wanted more…and more…and more.

As an adult, though, fingering and hand jobs are somewhat of a lost art. It's no surprise that third base gets overlooked once you have hit a few home runs.

Before I answer my friend's question directly, there are a few interrelated issues to address.

I was talking to one of my girls about why it's tough for women to orgasm from straight fingering. The answer was clear to both of us: toys! When my friend moved in with her boyfriend, she got rid of all her toys.

"What do toys have to do with fingering?" you might be wondering. Well, vibrators can desensitize a woman's clitoral nerves. (Sex educators disagree as to whether this is a total farce, somewhat true or definitely true. I like Lou Paget's response in one of her books that toys can help a woman to orgasm, but prolonged use can have a desensitizing effect.)

So, if you are a man and want to jill a woman to the Promised Land, communication is key! Does your partner use a vibrator? If so, how powerful is the toy and how often does she use it?

If your woman is using a vibrator regularly and you don't know about it, you might be working that pussy for naught. (I'm not saying that she won't enjoy your touch, but rather, that she might not be able to obtain an orgasm.)

What if you are a guy in a new relationship and you don't know if your woman is using a toy? You could just ask, but in a way that shows that you don't feel threaten by machinery. Some ideas for how to phrase this:

• "Do you have a favorite toy that I could use on you?"
• "I really want to give you the best night/most orgasms/most fun possible. Care to bring a toy into the mix?"
• "Would you feel comfortable if we added a toy into the bedroom tonight?"

You can use a toy on your girl's clit during sex or break it out before or after sex to make sure that she is really satisfied.

Guys, you look more confident about your skills if a vibrator doesn't scare you off! (I have this vision of a man running with a look of fear in his eyes as a vibrator with legs is chasing him.)

If you are in a more serious relationship, then it might be fun for the female to give her toys a rest for a week and see what happens. Do her orgasms differ in frequency or intensity? How does it feel for one or both of the parties?

Have I whet your appetite a bit? I hope so! Tomorrow's post will talk about fingering during sex, mutual masturbation, and how to help a woman have her first orgasm.

Until then, xoxo.

PS For my bisexual and lesbian friends, I wrote this post as a straight female in response to a question from a friend who is a straight male. I never intend for my posts to be exclusionary and hope that you don't see them as such. Feel free to replace the masculine terminology with feminine terminology, as needed.