sex

The Man

“It continues to amaze me which men step up and which men don’t, when their significant others are battling breast cancer,” my reconstructive surgeon said.

Your doctor can tell you how to best equip yourself to fight the disease or prevent a recurrence, but there’s no guide for how to make your partnership work in the midst of a health crisis. Some relationships flourish, and some flounder. You might think that you know what commitment entails or what it means to truly be there during the toughest of times, but it’s all speculation until you’re in that situation.

I had assumed that my most recent relationship would end around the time of my double mastectomy in late April. The Man and I had only been together for two-and-a-half months, after all. It was unrealistic for me to expect that he would be there for me during my surgery and recuperation.

Thankfully, I was wrong. So very wrong.

I found a man who isn’t just around when times are difficult, but a man who is present, helpful and loving. He takes initiative, and he tells me how proud I make him. He reminds me that being a survivor is sexy and that I’m strong.

I’ve been far more private about this relationship than I have with any other relationship. Some of it stems from how my career and brand have changed over the past three years. Another contributing factor is that I no longer seek volatile partners in intense relationships with every detail to later be shared and dissected online. Life has thrown me enough drama. I look for stability now in my personal and professional life, and I want to hold it close. And, finally, I’m involved with a humble man who is very private and views our time together as sacred. I respect that and would never do or post anything that would disappoint him.

With that said, I appreciate that many friends are readers, and quite a few readers have become friends. Given how many of you have prayed for my health and rooted for my happiness, I feel comfortable sharing this with you all —

There are those who leave when the going gets tough.

There are those who think that just showing up is enough.

And, then, there are those few who innately know what to say and do to make a situation better. There are those select people who value intimacy far more than they value sex and who take the time to communicate and build a solid foundation. These are the people who stick around and give of themselves unconditionally when others would walk out.

Thank you, mi amor, for being that rare man.

Low on the learning curve

I teach sexuality, but I know far too little about the transgender community. I’ve corrected people for referring to someone with a disrespectful pronoun like “shim” or claiming that gender identity is a choice or mental illness. But, I'm not naive enough to think that separating right from wrong is the same as having a comprehensive understanding of transgender issues.

“What do I mean by ‘transgender?’” you might be wondering.

According to the National Center for Transgender Equality, as cited in Ryan's project for my class, transgender is:

An umbrella term for people whose gender identity, expression or behavior is different from those typically associated with their assigned sex at birth, including but not limited to transsexuals, crossdressers, androgynous people, genderqueers, and gender non-conforming people (NCTE). Transgender is a broad term and is good for non-transgender people to use. “Trans” is shorthand for “transgender” (NCTE).

On his blog, Ryan writes:

I plan to explore society’s perception of gender expression and how it is affected by the powerful influences of social media….I have become fascinated by the different dynamics of power and privilege that are dependent on one’s social location in our society. Gender expression and how we perceive gender play a big role in this. As social media dominates the lives of younger people, I am interested to explore what impact this has on how we see gender, gender identity, and gender expression.

Ryan specifically examined “the different developmental milestones of four different groups of identities: FTM (Female-to-Male), MTF (Male-to-Female), female-presenting cross-dressers (CD), and genderqueer (GQ) (Beemyn and Rankin).” In his project, he also showed “the similarities that bind these experiences under the umbrella of the transgender experience, but also the differences and clear distinctions between each group and how these experiences are also not all the same.”

I had been thinking about Ryan's findings, when I learned that a friend’s partner decided to transition and was scheduled to have top surgery (a double mastectomy). It saddened and disgusted me to find out that very few insurance companies will cover his procedure, and that his surgery and travel to an experienced doctor will run between $8,000-$10,000. He will also need to pay for laboratory fees, hormonal therapy and an appointment with a therapist.

Even when insurance doesn't cover top surgery, the patient must obtain a letter from a Gender Therapist, stating that "Transgender Surgery is the next step in their treatment for Gender Identity Disorder or Gender Transition," and "they are psychologically ready for this next step in their therapy."

Who would decide to have a major surgery such as a double mastectomy precipitously?

Why must a therapist diagnose a patient as having a "disorder" since that is both insulting and irrelevant?

And, finally, why won't insurance companies consider paying at least a portion of the costs for a medical procedure that is necessary for a man to become whole?

I have a lot more to learn, but I’m thankful for people like Ryan who are willing to educate others and encourage dialogue.

Interested in reading more of Ryan’s findings? Check out his blog and follow him on Twitter.

The Pain of Anal

Question: My boyfriend is very big. I started to try anal, but it really hurt. What should I do, City Girl?

Answer: Communication and patience are your friends! This is why I don't recommend having casual anal sex. If you are in a relationship with someone, you should be able to talk about things openly and in advance. There needs to be an understanding that anal sex can't be rushed. Thrusting hard might feel good for him, but if you are in pain, it's doubtful that anal will be part of your sexual repertoire for very long. Think slow and steady.

Pick a night to introduce a finger or two into the mix. Focus on the clit and pussy first, and then ease on into the ass. Have a good lube on hand. Start with a finger or two on the outside of the anus, and then slowly put one finger inside. The goal here shouldn't be for you to orgasm or for the finger to simulate a cock, but rather, to get you more accustomed to anal play.

After you feel comfortable with fingers, try a small anal plug or bead inside your ass. Again, the emphasis is on using the toy to supplement the experience. It helps if you have already cum clitorally or vaginally before you pull out the beads so you will be more relaxed.

When you are ready to have anal sex for the first time, follow the tips that I laid out for you in my Anal 101 post. To reiterate one of those suggestions, I do not recommend having anal sex on a full stomach. That just increases the discomfort and chance that you will feel nauseous or have to go to the bathroom.

After you have reached orgasm with some pussy stimulation and have prepped the ass a bit with a finger or toy, have your man put a handful of lube on his cock and in your ass. Then sit on top of your man with your back facing his chest. That should work no matter his height, weight or "size," and is also the most natural position for your body to relax your anal muscles.

With you on top, you also have more control in terms of how much of his cock you take in and the pace of the thrusts. Remember that both can be gradual and in a manner that is enjoyable (or at least tolerable) to you. If it starts to hurt, take some deep breaths for a minute and then see if it still hurts. If so, stop, ask your man to release his cock, and go to the bathroom.

"Why the bathroom?" you might be wondering.

Well, sitting down will help your muscles relax. There also can be a feeling at the beginning of anal sex that you have gas or have to go to the bathroom. (I'm not trying to gross you out here. This is just the anatomy of things.) Heading to the ‘loo will give you more privacy on the chance that there is any "activity" in that region.

Upon returning to the bedroom, try again. If the act is still painful after a minute or two, then try a different position. What feels comfortable for you will depend on your body and your partner's body. (When I refer to "body," I mean height, weight, how tight your ass is, and how large his cock is.) Be sure to communicate with your partner if you feel any discomfort. Most guys will not be able to tell that you are in pain, unless you speak up! Your partner also needs to know that if you say, "Oww" or "Stop," that he should release his cock from your ass immediately.

As you are becoming comfortable with anal play, know that the sex doesn't have to lead to orgasm – initially or ever. If anal sex is painful or makes you feel like you have to go to the bathroom, don't continue it. Release his cock from your ass, go to the bathroom, grab a washcloth on the way back to the bedroom, wipe his cock down and then enjoy some oral or traditional sex. It's okay to save anal sex for another time. I won't say that the act is like riding a bicycle, but your body and muscles will become more acclimated to it.

There are women who do not enjoy anal sex at first, but after several attempts, find that they not only enjoy it, but also get a lot of pleasure from the act. Likewise, there are those women who don't find the act pleasurable and never want to try it again. Whatever mode works for you and your partner is the right one!

Are Three Break-Ups Three Too Many?

I’ve been remiss in answering readers’ questions from Formspring. Let’s start to remedy that today!

Question: My boyfriend and I broke up three times. This third time has been the longest. It’s been a week since we have been broken up. He said loves me a lot, but he needs time to flirt and to be single before he wants to be with me again. What do you think?

Answer: I’m sorry that you’re experiencing such relationship turmoil. It’s clear from how you’ve phrased the question and your patience about the situation that you love your boyfriend a lot.

Your boyfriend appears to be taking advantage of your feelings for him and your patience. He’s found a way to have his proverbial cake and eat it, too. When he wants to enjoy the benefits of being in a serious relationship, he does. When he wants to break up so that he spend time with other women, he can. When he wants to return back to the security of his relationship with you, he's able to do so.

The real question here is how much of his behavior you’re willing to tolerate. Your limits are for you and you alone to determine.

As you decide what’s in your best interest, it's worth asking yourself what you’re looking for from a significant other. How secure do you feel about this relationship, knowing that your boyfriend can use an easy-out clause at a moment’s notice? Does this relationship provide you with the level of trust and commitment that you would like?

How do you define “love,” and how different is that from how your boyfriend defines it? Break-ups are by their nature heartbreaking. Going through that three times in one relationship might be too much for some people to bear emotionally. If your boyfriend truly loves you a lot, I wonder how he views love and commitment and why it doesn’t break his heart to hurt you.

In addition, what does your boyfriend mean by being “single” again? I don’t think you can assume that he’s just casually flirting with other women since he doesn’t need to be single to do that. Whether or not we’re in a relationship, we all encounter people with whom we have a connection or feel an attraction. That’s human nature. The key, however, is recognizing that our love for our significant other outweighs our need to act on that attraction.

Are you comfortable with your boyfriend having sex with other women while you're on these breaks? When he comes back to you after this time apart, do you talk candidly about whether he was with anyone else and if so, whether or not he used a condom? Please make sure that your heart and your health are protected!

Whatever you decide, I hope that you find the peace you’re looking for and the love that you deserve.

Readers, what advice would you give this young woman?
 

Is It Wise to Share Your Location Online?

Do you use the check-in feature on Facebook or have a Foursquare account? Are your Tweets linked to your location? How much do you post online about your whereabouts?

As a single female who blogs about sex, I’ve been loathe to provide a lot of information about my location. I don’t have a Foursquare account. I never check-in anywhere on Facebook. And, I’ve disenabled the geotagging feature on my Twitter account. I also feel a bit uncomfortable when I see Tweets from my friends in advance of our get-togethers that reveal where we plan to go in the future.

When I began blogging anonymously, I didn’t want people connecting City Girl to Stef Woods. Now that I blog openly, I’m more private than you might expect about where I am and who I’m with. If I acknowledge my whereabouts online, I try to do so as I’m leaving a given location, rather than when I’m there.

I’ve been blessed to have amazingly supportive readers and virtual friends. I don’t want to be disrespectful of that, but I also can’t assume that every reader and every Twitter follower is a good-hearted person. I still cringe every time I see Creepy Apology Man in my neighborhood. Do any of us really know who is paying attention to us – online or off – and whether that attention is harmless?

This topic has been on my mind since I read the blog of one of my Sexuality and Social Media students, Sharon Shih. In a post on "Common Location-Based Social Media Features," she writes:

[It’s] important to point out other applications that may reveal a little too much information about the user. Some social media websites such as Facebook.com provide the option of sharing your location. This can be done on a smartphone or on a computer and now Facebook even includes a map of your exact check-in location with a space to add text and the ability to tag the people you are with. Twitter has a similar feature that allows locations to be added to tweets. While this might seem like a good way for individuals to document where they have been, this also provides sexual predators with a lot of information that can be used to harm.

Another similar application is Foursquare.com, which actively encourages its users to check in their locations on their phones to connect with other friends who might be in the area. The problem is that Foursquare can be linked to other social media sites such as Facebook or Twitter so unless all accounts are completely private, there is a chance that someone who is not a “friend” will see your location.

While these features may seem fairly innocuous, they also hold the possibility of alerting predators to your location. Facebook literally provides a map of where you are, which practically leads an assailant right to your exact current location. As of May 2011, 17% of the U.S. population had checked-in using an app on their mobile device (Hargreaves, 2011). 90% of people who have checked-in have done so using Facebook Places and the top check-in destinations were restaurants, coffee shops/cafes, hotels, and bar/clubs (Hargreaves, 2011). Out of those statistics, the most concerning is probably the amount of people who check in at bars/clubs because of the added factor of alcohol and lessened inhibitions. It is important that the people using these services realize how easy it can be for this information to be used against them, especially if they are not alerted to the dangers. It is necessary for individuals to be aware that what they put out on the Internet can translate to real life in a negative way.

Sharon’s project explores “the utilization of social media by sexual predators to locate and target potential victims. Due to the proliferation in the use of social media, more people are able to be 'connected.' However, these connections can be dangerous if users are not authentic and social media is being used as a tool to connect with potential victims. For this reason, [her] research question is:

Has social media made it easier for sexual predators to find potential victims?

This is a highly important and relevant issue in our society and more awareness needs to be brought to this subject matter. With younger generations beginning to use social media, a new medium to reach potential victims has become available for sexual predators. In order to prevent more violent acts, parents and children should become informed of ways in which to safely use social media. In general, all social media users should become aware of this issue in order to protect themselves from sexual predators because children are not the only ones who are targeted.”

Read more about Sharon's research findings here.

So, do you acknowledge your whereabouts on Foursquare, Facebook or Twitter? Why or why not?

Preparing for Your Mastectomy Surgery

Back in March, my double mastectomy surgery was looming over my head. I was on edge about everything, even commenting on Twitter that I was suffering from PMS (Pre-Mastectomy Syndrome). A week later, tears replaced my ire. I cried for seemingly no reason, although deep down, I knew why I felt so raw. I was sad. I was scared. And, I wanted my surgery to be over and done with.

In early April, something switched inside my head. I let go of what I didn’t have control over and focused on what I could control. I talked openly with both surgeons about their expectations and my anticipated restrictions. Then, I set up a calendar with what I needed and who was helping on what days with which items. The more I organized my schedule, the more empowered I felt.

What suggestions do I have for others preparing for a mastectomy or a similar procedure?

1. Talk to your doctor openly in your pre-operative appointment. Ask your surgeon any or all of the following questions:

  • What laboratory tests are required pre-surgery?
  • Do you need to pre-register before your surgery with the hospital or your insurance company?
  • Is it expected that tissue and muscles will be taken from your back or abdomen? If so, how will that impact your recovery?
  • How limited will you be when you wake up? (Some of my survivor sisters were unable to move their arms to the side or over their shoulders for weeks.)
  • How long will you be in the hospital?
  • What prescriptions will you need to take once you are out of the hospital? Ask your doctor for the prescriptions in advance of your surgery so you can fill them beforehand.
  • How many drains will you have, and how long will they need to stay in?
  • What type of assistance will you require once you are able to go home? Should you hire a nurse?
  • How long will it be before you can shower? Shop for groceries? Return to work? Drive? Have sex? Make your children dinner? Walk your dog?
  • How often will you need to visit the doctor after your surgery? Make your appointments and arrange transportation before your operation.

2. Stock up on surgical bras. For at least one month, you’ll be advised to wear a surgical compression bra 24 hours a day. Get several in advance so you’re not dependent on the hospital for providing one or a loved one for doing your laundry.

3. Purchase and install a detachable shower head to allow you more options for bathing. You might also want to get a shower chair.

4. Talk with your doctor about shaving and deodorant restrictions. (At my 10-day follow-up appointment, I found out that I was allowed to use an electric razor and Crystal Deodorant. I wish that I had known that earlier since I fear that I offended many a caregiver and visitor.)

5. Do you have loungewear and pajamas that button or zip up? If not, purchase a few items of clothing that are easy to put on and take off. Don't expect to have enough range of motion in your arms to put on a round neck sweatshirt.

6. Set up a calendar to make sure that you have assistance during the first two-three weeks. Send all of your caregivers an email with relevant names, phone numbers, addresses, dates and tasks. Be as detailed as possible with your caregivers before surgery.

7. Accept help. A lot of us want to do everything ourselves, but that won’t be realistic after surgery. People will approach you before you head to the hospital with offers to help. Figure out who you feel comfortable with having at the hospital and in your home and take them up on their kind offers!

I’ve found that I do better with help those first few weeks after surgery, rather than just company. (I don’t have the energy to show well-intentioned visitors where things are in my place.)

I'm thrilled to report that my double mastectomy surgery on April 25th went very well. It wasn’t that painful, and I was able to get out of bed, use my phone and hold a small cup once with ease. I’m also incredibly thankful that I surrounded myself with such a wonderful support system – all of whom took the time to read the five-page email that I sent them before surgery and gladly assisted me with whatever I needed!

So, readers, did I miss anything? What tips do you have for future patients?

Online Cheating

There was once a simpler time for intimate relationships. When your communication is based entirely on face-to-face conversations, dates, and truly getting to know and trust one another, two people have the ability to really connect.

This concept is now long gone. With multiple new platforms of communication, including cell phones, email, and, of course, Facebook, people in young relationships have a dozen new things to worry about. At what point do I add him as a friend? Are personal wall-posts appropriate? Should I list him as my boyfriend? How many old pictures of him can I look at before it’s creepy? Are high school prom photo shoots too far back?

Clearly social media has changed relationships. In some cases, it brings them closer. It’s easier than ever to learn more about the person’s likes and personality. Partners in long distance relationships have opportunities to stay close. Yet I’m curious: how has social media affected the level of trust in a relationship? Are chances of cheating higher? What about jealousy? I want to learn more about intimate relationships and social media’s affect on trust, jealousy, and infidelity. I believe this information will give insight into online communication and how it affects one person’s ability to become intimately close to another.

In the above project proposal for our Sexuality and Social Media class, Kyle Dunphy selected a key topic in the intersection of digital technology and sex. Her blog explores relevant issues such as the definition of cheating, whether sexting constitutes cheating, and if cheaters can change their behavior.

Kyle writes:

There are two very important traits that the cheater must possess in order to defeat the “always a cheater” stereotype. First, the cheater must have a strong desire to change their behavior. Although people can often be against the idea, sometimes counseling is a necessity. Mr. Goodbar, an alias for the self-proclaimed cheater and author of the book “The Married Man’s Guide to Cheating,” explains that not enough couples go to counseling, “which can be the key to saving a marriage when the infatuation wears off” (Weigel). As an online cheater, “you don’t actually realize that you’re growing close to someone on the internet because it just looks like you’re having conversation” (English). In this case, you have very little desire to separate yourself from the online world. “Someone who cheats can choose to blame others or they can pause and go deeper and sort of wake up to their life” (Weigel).

Second, the cheater must understand the reasons why he or she strayed from the relationship. When Dr. Kent-Ferraro had an affair that resulted in divorce, he took time to himself and analyzed his behavior, determined his reasons for cheating, and then proved his trustworthiness and affection for his wife again (Kent-Ferraro). Once he was able to pinpoint the reasoning behind his behavior, he was able to change his beliefs and his actions.

So, readers, do you think that a cheater will always cheat?

Want to learn more? Check out Kyle’s blog and Tweets.

SEXial mEDia

Earlier in the semester, my Sexuality and Social Media students and I discussed this video from Bedsider.org:

What are your thoughts on how the video encourages birth control use?

One of my students, Emjay, conducted her research for her class project on whether social media outlets specifically targeted towards sexual education are effective in their real world application. She explored Bedsider's offerings, including its section for "Reminders." Emjay writes:

“Set up a reminder and leave the rest to us” is the tag line (Bedsider). Speaking as someone who uses this feature on my phone I can say they really do take care of everything. There are two options of reminders: appointment or birth control reminder. You must certify that you are over the age of 13 and have a cell phone or have the expressed consent from an account owner. Under the appointment reminder you select the date and time of the appointment then if you would like the reminder sent to your e-mail or your phone. I have the reminder sent directly to my phone but you can text “STOP” to end it or “HELP” for more information.

For the birth control reminder you first select the type of birth control from ring, pill, patch or shot.  These are the only options because according to Bedsider, “These are the only methods you need to remember on a set schedule, separate from the heat of the moment. It’d be tough for us to remind you when to use a condom or put in a sponge—there’s no way we could know when you’re going to get busy!” (Bedsider). (Although I wish there was an reminder for condom use, that might get a little creepy.)

At your selected date and time, Bedsider then texts you a fun messages like, “Two new findings suggest: Women prefer men with deep voices. Men with deep voices have lower sperm counts. No matter what he sounds like, please take your pill.” However, you can also select for a “less frisky option” (@Bedsider) that makes no mention of birth control or your specific method. Instead of setting an alarm or constantly being aware of what time it is, Bedsider provides a fun way to remind yourself to take your birth control.

For her project, Emjay also held a roundtable discussion with nine college students to: 1) evaluate the information contained within eight popular sex education websites; and 2) engage in open dialogue about sex and sex education. Click here to find out which websites the group liked the best and follow Emjay on Twitter for related updates!

PS Emjay came up with the catchy title for her blog and this post. Social Media + Sexual Education = SEXial mEDia!

Assuaging a husband’s fears about sex toys

Question: I've never used an adult toy before, but lately, I've found myself wanting to try one. I mentioned the idea to my husband, and he got pretty offended by the suggestion. I asked him, "Why?" and he just told me that I'm married so I shouldn't need any toys. What should I do?

I posed this question to readers and Facebook followers, and received some great responses!

Susan questioned the husband's reasoning, writing, “It all comes down to why he 'doesn't like the idea,' yes? My best advice would be for them to go together to one of the classes that a local enlightened toy store holds and open up the discussion. If his unwillingness to 'allow' his wife to experiment with what feels good to her is because he's closed-minded, I'm not sure what to say.”

And, Teacher Girl suggested the following:

I would just buy one anyway and start using it on your own when he isn't around to learn what you like. Then, when you know and you are comfortable, invite him to watch you use the toy one day. I am sure he will be so turned on that he will learn that toys are not the enemy!

How would I tackle the situation?

1. Decide if you’re interested in using a toy by yourself or with your partner. If it’s for your own personal use, follow Teacher Girl’s advice. You can determine if and how you like the toy and if and when to invite your partner into the mix.

2. Communicate openly with your husband about why you want to try a toy and what his concerns are. In a recent study by Indiana University, research indicated that approximately half of those men and women surveyed had used a vibrator with their partner. It’s perfectly normal to want to experiment with sex toys, and it’s perfectly normal not to. (As with all intimate communication, broach this discussion at a time when both of you aren’t feeling rushed and there’s no expectation of sex.)

3. Figure out what your husband’s concerns are and if it’s possible to assuage his fears. At times, couples just need to agree to disagree. Your first toy might end up being something that you use discreetly by yourself. Or, there can be a meeting of the…let’s go with minds. Impress upon your husband that toys aren’t a substitute for sex or intimacy. Your interest in a vibrator doesn’t mean that you don’t want to have sex or that he doesn’t excite you. Rather, you hope that using a toy will make your sex life even better by increasing your pleasure and his!

4. Pick the right toy for you. Check out good recommendations for beginners. If you’ll be using a toy with your husband, find a toy that isn’t intimidating or phallic looking like the Lelo Siri. Then introduce it for a few minutes into your bedroom routine. You can also purchase a toy that’s intended for couple’s use like the Lelo Tor or Fun Factory Smart Balls. Another option is Teacher Girl’s idea to invite your husband to watch you pleasure yourself. If you're not sure what to buy or how to use the toys, follow Susan's advice and check out a sex-positive boutique or website!

I hope that with some communication and creativity, you and your husband figure out that you are both fans of sex toys in the bedroom. Keep me posted!

So, readers, what suggestions do you have? Did I miss anything?