10.28.09
Ho, Ho, Ho to Bah Humbug!
December 2005
All I wanted for Christmas was Philly Matt. Much like I did for Thanksgiving, I headed up to Philadelphia to spend the Christmas holiday with my friend, Marisa, and her family. Days were filled with so much food that I felt gluttonous, and nights were filled with long talks, romance and sex with Philly Matt.
On Christmas, Matt and I sat down on the couch, and I gave him his card and presents. I didn’t do anything over-the-top (for once), and just picked up two shirts from French Connection that I knew he would like. I also purchased a gift card for his children, even though I had yet to meet them. I just wanted him to know how much he meant to me, and that I respected what a great father he is.
I wrote on the front and back of Matt’s holiday card, telling him how much I loved him and how blessed I felt to have him in my life. When he was done reading it, he kissed me – softly at first and then more and more passionately. I moved from my side of the couch to sit on his lap, facing him, as we continued kissing. Our lips parted, and he looked up and said,
“You make me really happy.”
I broke out into a huge smile, and buried my head into his chest. My hair started to fall into his face, and I looked up as he put his hand on my cheek. He kissed me again before suggesting that we move things into the bedroom. I happily complied.
As I boarded the train the following day to take me back to DC, I thought to myself how that was a perfect holiday. I was in love with a great guy who loved me. My friend and her family welcomed me into their home for a wonderful Christmas. My career was going better than it ever had been. What did I have to worry about?
I called Marisa from the train to thank her and her family again. She asked what Matt and I had done the previous night, and I gave her the highlights.
“Did he get you a present?” she inquired.
“No. I told him not to worry about that since he’s stressed with the job situation at the base. All I wanted was to see him!”
“Did he get you a card?” she asked.
“No.”
“Really?” Marisa questioned as her pitch became higher.
I assured her that I didn’t care about that. But, on the trip home, I realized that the card wasn’t the issue to me. There were bigger things on my mind. I wondered how our relationship would change in the coming months.
See, Matt was in the Air Force Reserves and was heading to Qatar in March for three months…or maybe nine…or maybe twelve. (He wouldn’t find out how long the assignment was until after he got there.) We had made the relationship work despite the distance between Philadelphia and DC, but Qatar was a whole different situation entirely.
I began to doubt how strong we were as a couple. We hadn’t hung out with his friends since June. I had never met his family. We didn’t talk about the future. I had never even see the town where he grew up or the base where he worked. So, Qatar just started representing this big question mark for me. Would I be expected to be faithful while he was away? What level of commitment from him would I need so that my expectations were met, too?
And, thus, a pattern began to form that would continue for the next several months. I would have an amazing weekend with Philly Matt during which I felt incredibly happy. Then, we would say goodbye, and the high would wear off within 24 hours. Doubt replaced elation. And, I began to wonder:
Was dating a geographically unavailable guy just another example of my relationship pattern to date unavailable men? From a practical perspective, how different was this from my relationships with emotionally unavailable Baseball Boy and legally unavailable Married Matt?
And, most importantly, was this going anywhere?
10.27.09
Feeling thankful
November 2005
I wondered if I had found The One in Philly Matt. We saw each other one or two weekends a month, which allowed me my freedom, my alone time, and ample time with my girlfriends. (I’m an only child so independence isn’t just something that I’d like to have in my life. It’s something that I need. I also went to a woman’s college, and my female friendships are incredibly important to me.)
In the past, I shied away from traditional relationships because I felt like I would have to give up too much of myself to make things work. With Matt, by contrast, I had the right balance. I felt loved without feeling smothered. I had my space (geographically and otherwise), and yet, I knew that I could bother him with a stupid question or silly story anytime I wanted to pick up the phone.
When we were together, I was so happy that you might have thought I was channeling a giddy schoolgirl. It seemed like all the pieces were there…that I had found a perfect blend of friend, lover and boyfriend. Philly Matt complemented me like no other guy had before.
I usually spent the holidays with family friends outside of Philadelphia. This year was no exception so I headed up to 30th Street Station on Thanksgiving morning. I had turkey dinner with my friend, Marisa, and her family, and then Matt came over for dessert. After the football game ended and our pants barely fit anymore, Matt and I left for Marisa’s condo. (She was kind enough to let us stay there while she was at her parents’ place.)
The weekend was amazing and reminded me why having Philly Matt in my life was the greatest blessing that I had received that year. We walked into the condo, dropped our luggage, and started checking out the rooms. As we stepped into the kitchen, we began making out. Within three minutes, our clothes were off, he picked me up and leaned me against the granite counter, and a hot quickie ensued. (One of the advantages of being in a long distance relationship is that feeling of elation that you get when you see the person you love for the first time in weeks. Oh, and if you’re wondering, I made sure to clean the granite three times afterward so as not to be disrespectful to my friend and her place. Quickies are good, but so is cleanliness.)
Matt and I had nothing to do the following day so we slept in until 10am, and then spent another two hours in bed, making love. (There’s a time for down-and-dirty sex, and there’s also a time for tender and romantic sex. I loved the fact that I was able to satisfy my need for both from the same guy.)
When we were done, I hopped in the shower and Matt left to get food. As I was putting on my makeup, the aroma of French toast, eggs and bacon wafted from the kitchen down the hall and into the bathroom. All this and he cooks, too? YES!!!
Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, Matt found out that the base at which he worked would be closing. To say that put a damper on the holidays would be an understatement. I tried to stay positive enough for both of us, but the uncertainty of when the base would actually close and how much work he would have until it did understandably took its toll on him.
“I’m used to spoiling the people in my life, sweetie. I don’t like that I won’t be able to do that for the kids this year. Or for you,” he told me.
“I don’t care about any of that,” I assured him. “Just like Mariah says, all I want for Christmas is you. If I’m with you for the holidays, that’s what matters to me.”
I didn’t know what the Christmas holiday and 2006 would bring for us, but I really believed that it was all going to be okay…that we would get through it together. We were a solid enough couple to weather any storm…weren’t we?
To be continued…
10.23.09
Just friends. Really.
October-November 2005
Lawyer Boy met me at Union Station. He somehow managed to squeeze my piece of luggage in the hatch of his Lotus Elise. I got in the car and off we went to a Starbucks uptown.
As I relaxed in the passenger seat, I realized that I hadn’t seen Lawyer Boy since April. That was right after I had heard from a mutual friend, Lauren, that Lawyer Boy had gotten engaged to his girlfriend, Darby…on my birthday weekend…two weeks after he had tried to have sex with me.
When I confronted him about why he didn’t respect me enough as a friend to have broken the news to me himself, he suggested that we go for a drive. I agreed, and in that hour, he apologized to me and explained his warped motivation for marrying Darby. (Apparently, she said that she would do her residency in another part of the country unless they got engaged. He didn’t want to lose her and so he proposed.)
If I had loved Lawyer Boy, it might have been harder to forgive him. But, I never felt that strongly for him. We had started dating, and that evolved into a friends-with-benefits kind of arrangement. Now that he was married, I just felt sorry for him…and her.
By June, Lawyer Boy and I started a text friendship. It was easy and fun, and nothing was written that would have made Darby mad. Lawyer Boy and I had several friends in common and worked in the same field so it would have almost been tougher not to be friends.
So, on this night in fall of 2005, Lawyer Boy had asked for my take on his options regarding a professional dilemma. A recruiter had contacted him about a potential equity partnership opportunity at a competing firm at the same time that his current firm had lectured all the senior associates about the need to bill and publish more if they wanted to make non-equity partner.
We talked about the pros and cons, and the fact that the DC legal community is so small. I listened to him and gave him my two cents, which he appreciated. But, in the back of my head, I wondered why he came to me. Yes, I am an attorney, and I know about law firm life. And, yes, I do give good professional advice and realized that he couldn’t bring this topic up with anyone in his firm out of fear that he would lose his job. But, it seemed a bit sad that he didn’t have any friends from law school or his LLM program with whom he could talk.
I recalled something that Lawyer Boy said when we first started dating – before I knew that he had a girlfriend. He told me that I reminded him of his best friend in law school because he could talk to me about anything. That was sweet back in 2003, but now, it seemed kind of sad. He was married to a woman, and he couldn’t talk to her about work problems at a minimum or show her his vulnerable side at a maximum.
When we were finished at Starbucks, we went for a drive and I told him about what was going on in my life. He congratulated me about the hearing, and dropped his jaw when he heard the news about Philly Matt. Talking about my new boyfriend got me thinking, and in a calm voice, I gave Lawyer Boy some advice (unsolicited this time),
“You know, I just don’t understand how you could cheat on someone you love. I really don’t. I could ask you to pull me over right now and fuck me up the ass and Philly Matt wouldn’t know. But, I would, and I would carry such enormous guilt around with me. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him or to jeopardize our relationship. I don’t get how you could treat Darby the way you did and then marry her. I hope you know what you’re doing.”
He sighed.
“Yeah, I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I get what you’re saying. It’s weird to hear you talk about someone like that, though. I’m glad you are so happy.”
I smiled.
Yes, I was happy. Very happy. And, whatever spell Lawyer Boy had over me (or was it my ass?) had been lifted. So, I let him drive me home, kissed him on the cheek, and told him to let me know what happens on the job front. And, I headed upstairs to my apartment…by myself.
10.21.09
Life is good. I am bad (kind of).
October-November 2005
The leaves started changing colors, as fall arrived in Washington, DC. I was fully recouped from my surgery and completely head-over-heels in love with Philly Matt. And, professionally, I was still getting calls from the media regarding my testimony at the hearing. Life was good. So very good.
In the midst of all the good, though, I let Married Matt and Lawyer Boy back in my life. Some of it was that I was weak. Another motivation was vanity, as in “I know you miss my ass, but you can’t have it!” I also have always had this feeling that I can be a platonic friend with any ex-boyfriend or ex-lay. Over the years, I’ve even done pretty well at keeping in touch with my exes on some level. But was there too much history to be friends with these two exes in particular?
Looking at the situation now, I can easily answer that question. I see that going out with either of those guys was dating or an emotional affair even if sex wasn’t involved. Both Married Matt and Lawyer Boy had cheated for years on their significant others with me! They were masters at lying, cheating and playing games to get what they wanted. And, their wives, Katie and Darby, knew little, if anything, about our past history together. I should have told both Married Matt and Lawyer Boy not to call or text me anymore, but I didn’t. Hindsight is definitely 20/20.
Married Matt
In the fall, Married Matt and I celebrated his birthday with dinner and drinks at Ceiba. For those of you who aren’t locals, Ceiba serves Latin American cuisine in a setting that is modern, elegant and romantic. Matt picked me up at my place, and we headed downtown. We had drinks at the bar before being seated at our table for two against the window. It was clear from how we were treated that everyone in the restaurant thought that we were a couple. Our body language and how Married Matt fed me his entree from his fork only seemed to confirm everyone’s impression of us.
While we were at the restaurant, Katie was at home…in her third trimester of pregnancy…taking care of their two-year-old. (Yes, I realize that there were more red flags here than at a rally for Chairman Mao.) I asked if Katie knew that we were going out, and Married Matt said that he told her that I was taking him out for his birthday. That might have been the case or might have just been one of his many lies. Your guess is as good as mine!
When we finished dinner and Matt dropped me off at home, the red alert moved to orange. We kissed on the cheek and said goodnight. That was all. I didn’t want to bring him up to my bedroom to renew our affair, and he didn’t ask if I was open to that arrangement again. Maybe this friendship thing could work? Maybe?
Lawyer Boy
Two weeks later, I was up in New York City having brunch with my friend, Sam, at Le Pain Quotidien in Gramercy. My phone vibrated, and I saw that I had a text from Lawyer Boy:
“Hey. Would you be free for coffee later? I have a work dilemma that I’d like to run by you.”
“Hmm…In NYC now. Arrive at Union Station at 4. No plans after that,” I replied.
We texted back and forth a few more times, and arranged for him to pick me up at the train station.
“Why are you meeting Lawyer Boy?” Sam inquired with a judgmental tone to her voice.
“Calm down. There’s nothing going on between us anymore. We’re friends. And he needs some professional advice.”
“Okay,” she commented, “you better not be doing anything else with him.”
“He’s married. I’m with Philly Matt. I’m not going down that road again,” I assured her.
Sam and I headed into ABC Carpet & Home to shop. I saw myself in one of the floor-length mirrors and thought that my Ann Taylor wool capris looked too conservative. I ducked into a bathroom to change into my Armani skinny, bootleg pants.
Why was I changing to look cuter for Lawyer Boy? Would I really keep this meeting platonic? What was I doing? Why did I suddenly see so many red flags again? Argh!!!
Next Post: What happened after Lawyer Boy picked me up.
10.20.09
All the stars are aligned
August 2005
I was in love with Philly Matt. [Insert at least one Awww here.] You would think in my blissful state that I might consider ending all communication with my ex-boyfriend, Married Matt, but that would have been too logical.
In July, Married Matt had gotten back in touch with me and we met for lunch. We entered a new chapter in our relationship as friends. A few weeks later, Married Matt suggested that we grab sushi together.
“Does Katie [his wife] know that we’re going out?” I inquired via AIM. I didn’t want to repeat any of my past mistakes. I was no longer going to be the other woman, regardless of whether sex was involved.
“Of course. She knows that we’re friends. I told her that you were dating someone from Philadelphia, and she mentioned that we should go out one night when he’s in town,” he replied.
Huh? Was I being punked? On the one hand, I was glad that Married Matt and Katie were (seemingly) communicating more. But, the thought of having dinner with Katie, Married Matt and Philly Matt gave me the willies. There would be landmines at every course!
It also just seemed like the more Married Matt changed, the more he stayed the same. This was the same guy who suggested that I crash at his place…while Katie was there…a few months after he and I had slept together. Philly Matt knew about my past and present relationship with Married Matt. I still felt like Katie was in the dark about everything.
“Why did you meet him for sushi then? Why did you even stay friends with him?” you might be wondering.
Well, Married Matt has a larger-than-life personality. And, when he makes you the center of his world, it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement. He’s fun, a great motivator and a good listener. And, in the back of my head, I still found some satisfaction in knowing that he would have slept with me again in a heartbeat. I wanted him to want me. I just didn’t want him anymore.
(I’m not saying that wasn’t vain or wrong. That’s just what I felt at the time. And, for all my faults, being dishonest with myself isn’t one of them.)
So, Married Matt and I went out to sushi, and as expected, we had a wonderful time. It was all of the good of our old relationship without the sex, lies and cheating. I won’t say that we didn’t flirt or reminisce because we did, but our focus had changed. We were friends. Real friends.
I talked to him about work and the fact that later that week, I was going to testify at a hearing in town. He wished me good luck, and we talked about going out to dinner in a few weeks to celebrate his birthday. [Again, this was weird.]
I’m happy to report that my testimony at the hearing went well. After the two-day hearing was over, I decided to take the day off of work to sleep in and relax. When I awoke and turned on my phone, I had several messages. The first voicemail was from Married Matt. He said,
“So, I was reading the Post during breakfast this morning and saw an article about the hearing. Seems like the hearing was a success. Then I turned the page and saw a quote from none other than Ms. City Girl. Congrats! I’m really proud of you.”
My face got beat red, as I broke out into a huge smile.
“I’m in the Post,” I thought to myself as I jumped up and down, “I’m in the Post!”
I listened to the rest of my voicemails and had several messages from local and national news affiliates. Holy Shit! I was so excited and knew that I needed to call the office and return all the voicemails. But first, I needed to pull up the article online and share the news with someone. I dialed Philly Matt’s number.
“Baby, you are never going to believe this!”
It was a great time in my life, and I was so thankful that I had a great guy to share everything with!
PS I’m trying my best to catch you all up on how I got back with Lawyer Boy in the first place. It can be tough to focus on the past, though, when there’s so much to write about in the present. If you like spoilers, check out the Tweet regarding Lawyer Boy. Crazy news that shows just how disturbed that boy is!
Next Post: Lawyer Boy and Married Matt in fall of 2005.
10.14.09
A sexy and sappy weekend
September 2005
Philly Matt and I were in love. Three weeks after my surgery, Matt came down to DC to spend the weekend with me. By that point, I was back to work and my usual routine. And, I decided that I wanted to make Philly Matt’s trip extra special.
On Friday evening, I left the office and headed to Union Station to pick him up. I waited for Matt to depart his train with a sign in my hand, as though I was a limousine driver. The sign said:
The Best Boyfriend In The World!
I drew hearts and squiggly lines around the words to make it even cuter (or more nauseating, depending on your perspective). When Philly Matt saw me, his face lit up and we stood there in front of Sbarro’s hugging and kissing for several minutes.
He wasn’t hungry so we just went back to my apartment. I poured him a glass of Riesling, and after he had gotten settled, I took his hand. I brought him outside on the balcony and started kissing him gently at first and then passionately. When I could tell that he was excited, I guided him toward one of the patio chairs.
I unbuckled his belt and unzipped his jeans. I pulled his briefs down just enough so his cock was all the way out of his pants. I lifted up my skirt, moved my thong slightly to the left and sat on top of him. I had been turned on since we kissed at Union Station so he entered my pussy like it was a warm bath. It was everything that a quickie should be!
Afterward, Philly Matt commented how great that was. That was only our third time having sex together, and he hadn’t seen me act that spontaneously before. I told him that we had the rest of the weekend to make love, but that I had been waiting for over a month to have sex with him.
The following day, we attended a matinee of Othello at The Shakespeare Theatre. (And, yes, I realize that we were an interracial couple going to see Othello. We both just happen to love the play and were thrilled to see Laurence Fishburne in the leading role.)
After the play, we went to have dinner at Zola. From start to finish, it was a perfect meal! We had a quiet table against the window. The service treated us like royalty. Every bite of food was a culinary delight. And, all of that paled in comparison to the company!
I made an impromptu toast to Philly Matt when our drinks arrived, thanking him for being such a wonderful boyfriend and helping me out during my recovery. That led to a 15-minute conversation during which we shared all the qualities that we loved about the other person.
When he started telling me all the things that he loved about me, I realized how much he got me. All of me. He appreciated my sappy side, my horny side, my strong side and my vulnerable side. I began to tear up because his words and his feelings moved me so much. I looked away, trying not to cry. When I turned my face back toward his, I saw that his eyes were watering, too. I exhaled and shed a few more tears. We were on the same page, and that felt wonderful!
After dinner, Philly Matt and I headed home. To say that the remainder of the weekend was blissful would be an understatement. I really *did* have the best boyfriend in the world! Hearts and squiggles ;).
10.13.09
Exhaling
August-September 2005
Over the years, I’ve had a knack for getting back together with ex-boyfriends. Again. And again.
“Why?” you might be asking.
Well, I attribute some of that to the fact that DC is such a small city and that I regularly have random run-ins with ex-boyfriends. I also recognize that when I fall for a guy, a tiny piece of my heart will always belong to him. And, from a purely physical perspective, if I have amazing chemistry with a man, the desire to have sex with him again never completely dies out with the end of our relationship.
So, those factors have caused me to get back together with a few ex-boyfriends. In trying to put the pieces together to my relationship history with Baseball Boy and Lawyer Boy, let me take you back to 2005. At that time, I was in a new, but serious, relationship with Philly Matt.
Even though distance separated us, I relied on Matt more than I had any guy since the Chef – seven years prior. Philly Matt and I talked all the time, and he was a great at listening and giving advice. When we saw each other, it felt fun and easy. I put my heart out there with him, and unlike past relationships, I didn’t feel as though he would stomp all over it.
During one conversation, I asked him,
“So…can I call you my boyfriend?”
“Umm…if you want,” Philly Matt replied with a bit of hesitancy.
Matt didn’t understand where I was coming from so I tried to explain just how commitment-phobic I was. For years, I viewed guys just as people I dated or slept with since I was rarely in a traditional relationship. I didn’t use the terms, “boyfriend” or “girlfriend,” because that didn’t reflect the reality of the situation.
Philly Matt said that we were a couple, but that it didn’t matter what I called him. He assuaged my fears, and I exhaled. I didn’t need to be fearful of relationships or him. Whew!
When we talked the next day, though, I took a step back toward the Land of Commitment-Phobia. See, I was scheduled for experimental outpatient neurosurgery the following week and wasn’t used to leaning on a guy for health matters. As I told Philly Matt what would be happening and why I wouldn’t be able to see him over Labor Day weekend, he inquired,
“Do you need me to come down?”
“No, I’ll be fine,” I told him.
“Are you sure? I don’t want you going through this alone.”
“Yeah, I’m all set. Bex will help me out. You can come down when I’m feeling better,” I assured him.
A part of me wanted Matt to take care of me, but I was too scared to let him do that. I assured him that I would be fine and changed topics.
But, thankfully, Philly Matt wouldn’t let me off that easy. When he called the following evening, he said,
“I talked to my supervisor and told him that you were getting surgery and that I would need some time off next week. I want to be there for you so just tell me when and for how long. I wouldn’t feel right being up here as you were going through this.”
Wow! This is what people do in real relationships, huh? I reminded myself that I was safe and that Philly Matt was just doing what any good boyfriend would do in this situation. *Big Sigh*
“Let me check with Bex, and I’ll figure things out. Thank you, baby.”
So, how did things go?
The surgery was uneventful, and I recouped ahead of schedule.
Philly Matt came down the day after the surgery and took care of me for two nights. I could tell I was doing well physically because when we went to bed, I started giving him a hand job. He tried to protest, but I assured him that there was nothing in my post-operative instructions prohibiting me from getting him off like that. (Hey, I might have been down, but I was far from out.)
I also learned something important during my recovery: that it was okay for me to lean on a guy. There was a moment on the second day when Philly Matt and I were in my living room, sitting on the couch and watching television. His right hand was holding mine, as his left hand gently rubbed my ear. I looked away from the TV and up at him, and I knew.
I had fallen in love.
I sighed to myself, thinking how lucky I was. I realized that I didn’t have to be scared anymore, and when we said goodbye, I told him that I loved him. He kissed me and said he loved me, too.
As I write this four years later, I vividly remember how happy Philly Matt made me when he told me that he loved me. And, much like I did back then, I have a huge smile on my face and a few tears in my eyes.
Love does that to a girl. Even Especially me.
10.02.09
Throwing out my old playbook
2005
I’ve always maintained that the bad in my life is balanced out with many wonderful blessings. In late May and early June, I was devastated over surprisingly being able to conceive, having the doctors tell me that I shouldn’t risk carrying the child to term, and going through everything alone since my “boyfriend,” Baseball Boy, didn’t care to be there for my physically or emotionally. The pendulum of my life quickly (and thankfully) swung back into the opposite and good direction, though. The summer of 2005 was a high point for me both personally and professionally.
Philly Matt, the new man in my life, came down to visit me for the first time in July. I tend to get a bit antsy when guys stay at my place for more than a night, but with Philly Matt, everything was easy and fun. He was kind, supportive and clean. (I like my place immaculately neat so messy boys are a turn-off.)
We spent one night in Georgetown at The Harbour and Filomena’s. It started to rain, and Philly Matt made sure that the tiny umbrella we had covered me completely, even though it meant that he got wet. While we walked around, I ran into three people that I knew within two hours. Matt asked me if I knew everyone in DC, and I laughed, trying to explain just how small the District is. I also liked how he didn’t seem threatened when I ran into a guy I had gone out with briefly 10 years prior. Philly Matt knew my feelings for him and wasn’t the jealous type.
When I started to feel sick, Philly Matt asked if there was anything that he could do and seemed genuinely concerned. I hadn’t dated a guy who I could really lean on or with whom I could be vulnerable since The Chef. I felt safe with Philly Matt, and more importantly, I felt like my heart was safe with him.
I had waited to have sex with Philly Matt, but the timing seemed right now. I didn’t talk about whether or not we were a couple, but all signs pointed in that direction. When we got home after dinner, we headed to bed. Unlike our other evenings together, I didn’t tell him to wait or stop. I just went with what felt right…very right, in fact.
I usually have a problem with those girls who opine that “having sex” is different from “making love.” A spade is a spade, right? But, with Philly Matt, I definitely sensed a level of intimacy and a close connection that I hadn’t felt with a guy in years. I had waited to have sex with him and noticed that the act seemed special. That’s not to say sex with Philly Matt wasn’t passionate, but rather, that being in bed with him made my heart, as well as my pussy, content.
For his second night in DC, we went out to Paolo’s. About 20 people from my group were there having drinks and spending time with our friend who was in town from North Carolina. Philly Matt, Barla and AP got to hang out for the first time since our crazy weekend in Philadelphia in April. We retold a lot of the jokes from that trip, and they still made us laugh so hard that we had tears in our eyes.
Most girls might view introducing a guy to their friends as easy and normal, but I had a tendency to purposely keep my worlds separate. My friends are like my family, and I didn’t want a guy getting involved in all aspects of my life. But, with Philly Matt, I was throwing out my old playbook and trying all new things. I wasn’t as apprehensive about commingling my worlds since I was with my girls when I first met Matt. My fears were also assuaged by the fact that Philly Matt gets along well with almost everyone he meets. He’s the perfect blend of fun, funny and a good listener. I didn’t need to babysit him when I was with my friends. I didn’t need to worry about him wanting to rush out of the bar after an hour. And, by the end of the weekend, I realized that I didn’t need to worry about whether he was my boyfriend.
I knew he was. And that felt really good. *Smile*
xoxo
09.23.09
Can I be friends with my married exes?
July 2005 Roll Call
Dating: Philly Matt
Stick a fork in us because we’re so done after our latest round of e-mails: Baseball Boy
Back in touch with: Married Matt
And…
Lawyer Boy. I didn’t plan on reconnecting with him since he had gotten married, but we had a lot in common both personally and professionally. In May, I ended up at a conference in Richmond. A colleague and friend from his law firm gave a presentation, and I introduced myself to him after his talk. He went back to the office and told Lawyer Boy that he had met me, which led to a few texts messages about how small DC is. (In most places, there are six degrees of separation between people, but DC is so small that it feels more like two degrees.)
Then, my old practice group from the large law firm where I used to work merged with the firm where Lawyer Boy worked. When I heard the news about the merger, I didn’t hesitate to send Lawyer Boy a text. We started texting about what that meant to the practice group and the firm as a whole. And, we joked about how if I was still with my old team, he and I would have been seeing each other at the office every day and not getting much work done.
Me: Wonder how you would bill anal time ;)?
Lawyer Boy: Business Development?!?
We resumed our old carefree sexual banter via text messages – without crossing the line. I was at a different place in my life and didn’t want to be the other woman anymore, especially since Lawyer Boy and Darby were married now. Plus, I liked Philly Matt and was interested in seeing where our relationship would go.
At the same time, I had just heard from Married Matt for the first time in over two years. He mentioned going out for drinks, and I must admit that I wanted to see him. I wondered if he would apologize for how he had treated me, or if he had seen the light and was getting out of his passionless marriage. Mind you, I didn’t want to be with him, but there was an egotistical part of me that wanted to know that he missed me and that he knew how many mistakes he had made with both Katie and me.
Married Matt and I planned to meet at Degrees in Georgetown for drinks. I wore a black mini-skirt, an Ann Taylor sweater that showed off my curves, and open-toed kitten heels. Why did I dress like that at 1pm? Well, I was in this odd place in which I didn’t want to get back together with Married Matt, but I wanted him to regret not being with me anymore. (I’m not saying that made sense or was the classy move on my part. That’s just how I felt.)
I thought that drinks with Married Matt would go one of two ways:
1. Either he would to rehash our break-up and dig up those old wounds; or
2. He would try to hook up with me.
So, imagine my surprise, when our get-together had a completely different vibe. It really seemed as though Married Matt just wanted to catch up with me and try to build a friendship. We talked and laughed for over two hours, and the conversation was very easy. He never brought up our relationship, and it felt like we were both in a place where we could approach our interactions as platonic friends.
He claimed that he and Katie were in a good place with their marriage. They were expecting their second child and preparing to move overseas in 2006. Married Matt asked me if I had started the process to adopt a child. I said that I wasn’t ready for that just yet, but shared the story about my pregnancy with him. Since that wasn’t a topic I discussed with just anyone, I realized that my anger toward Married Matt had dissipated, but the comfort level at being around him still remained. Huh.
I left Degrees with a smile on my face and a plan to grab lunch with Married Matt in a couple of weeks. Would it be possible to be friends with my married ex-boyfriend? Or, would I get played yet again?
Next Posts: Philly Matt comes to DC, threesome stories and tales about the new guy. (Trust me, if I could write about the new guy, Buckeyes Boy, 24/7, I would! He is amazing!)
09.22.09
One Matt too many!
July 2005
Why was Married Matt contacting me after two years?
When we ended our affair in April of 2003, it was not amicable by any stretch of the imagination. He had lied to me about the fact that he and his wife, Katie, were trying to get pregnant since he knew that was a deal breaker for me. He he tried to convince me that we(!) should go to counseling at the same time that he was preparing for his wife to give birth. When I told him that we were over and that he should extricate himself from his already-strained relationship with our mutual friends to focus on his marriage, he claimed that made sense to him, but then lied to those friends about me.
I last heard from Married Matt via an e-mail in September of 2003, announcing the birth of his son. I was already over him by that point so I wrote a trite response to congratulate him and Katie. I even added a line about how lucky his son was to have the two of them as parents. (Yeah, that was a white lie, but at least Katie is a wonderful mother. One outta two ain’t bad, right?)
Now, in 2005, I wasn’t sure why Married Matt was Instant Messaging me. But, curiosity definitely got the best of me so I clicked the “Accept” tab to begin chatting with him. We IM-ed for over an hour. During that time, I kept waiting for him to say something beyond the usual pleasantries one associates with catching up with an old friend. But, the chat was void of apologies or declarations of any emotion. I was so confused that as I was online chatting with Married Matt, I called my friend, Marisa, at work.
Me: Hey, you have a sec?
Marisa: Sure. What’s up?
Me: Matt just IM-ed me.
Marisa: Okay. And?
Me: No….not that [Philly] Matt [the guy I had recently started dating]. Married Matt!
Marisa: You’re KIDDING?!? What does he want?
Me: I don’t know. This is sooo odd. He just keeps talking about innocuous stuff.
Marisa: Keep IM-ing him and call me later.
Me: Thanks girl! I just needed to tell someone. Love you.
I didn’t mind chatting with Married Matt, but I finally decided to ask him what prompted this chat.
Me: It’s great to hear from you, but I’m kind of wondering why you are getting back in touch after all this time…
Married Matt: I was thinking about you and wanted to see how you were doing. No big agenda. Just missed you in my life.
Me: OK. I get that.
Married Matt: Maybe we could go out for a drink later this week to catch up in person?
Me: Sure.
Married Matt: Would Friday afternoon work for you?
Me: Yeah, that would work. I just need to get in the office by around 3.
Married Matt: K. I’ll text you on Friday with a time and place then.
As I’m writing about this in the present day, it’s tough for me to even understand why I even wanted to spend any time with Married Matt. But, if I’m being honest with myself (and you all), I think there were two reasons why I didn’t ignore him back then:
1. I had broken up with Baseball Boy less than two months ago. I wanted some resolution to that relationship [read: an apology], but as evidenced by our recent e-mails, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. There is a side of my personality that still believes in Happy Endings, and I think I transplanted my unsatisfied feelings about the end of my relationship with Baseball Boy to Married Matt. If I couldn’t get the apology I needed (deserved?) from Baseball Boy, maybe I could get Married Matt to admit that he was wrong for how he treated me in the past?
2. I didn’t want to get back with Married Matt. But, I wanted the satisfaction of knowing that he wanted to be back with me…that he wasn’t entirely happy in his marriage…that he felt bad for lying to me. (I don’t normally revel in others’ misery, but when I get burned, all bets are off!)
After over two years, I was going to see Married Matt on Friday. What was I doing?
(Hindsight is definitely 20/20.)
Next Posts: Drinks with Married Matt, Philly Matt’s first trip to DC and getting back in touch with another ex-boyfriend. 2005 was definitely an eventful year!
