Website blog for CityGirlBlogs.com

My Tips for Talking to Your Doctor about Sex

What are my top three tips for talking to your doctor about sex? Watch and learn!

Online Cheating

There was once a simpler time for intimate relationships. When your communication is based entirely on face-to-face conversations, dates, and truly getting to know and trust one another, two people have the ability to really connect.

This concept is now long gone. With multiple new platforms of communication, including cell phones, email, and, of course, Facebook, people in young relationships have a dozen new things to worry about. At what point do I add him as a friend? Are personal wall-posts appropriate? Should I list him as my boyfriend? How many old pictures of him can I look at before it’s creepy? Are high school prom photo shoots too far back?

Clearly social media has changed relationships. In some cases, it brings them closer. It’s easier than ever to learn more about the person’s likes and personality. Partners in long distance relationships have opportunities to stay close. Yet I’m curious: how has social media affected the level of trust in a relationship? Are chances of cheating higher? What about jealousy? I want to learn more about intimate relationships and social media’s affect on trust, jealousy, and infidelity. I believe this information will give insight into online communication and how it affects one person’s ability to become intimately close to another.

In the above project proposal for our Sexuality and Social Media class, Kyle Dunphy selected a key topic in the intersection of digital technology and sex. Her blog explores relevant issues such as the definition of cheating, whether sexting constitutes cheating, and if cheaters can change their behavior.

Kyle writes:

There are two very important traits that the cheater must possess in order to defeat the “always a cheater” stereotype. First, the cheater must have a strong desire to change their behavior. Although people can often be against the idea, sometimes counseling is a necessity. Mr. Goodbar, an alias for the self-proclaimed cheater and author of the book “The Married Man’s Guide to Cheating,” explains that not enough couples go to counseling, “which can be the key to saving a marriage when the infatuation wears off” (Weigel). As an online cheater, “you don’t actually realize that you’re growing close to someone on the internet because it just looks like you’re having conversation” (English). In this case, you have very little desire to separate yourself from the online world. “Someone who cheats can choose to blame others or they can pause and go deeper and sort of wake up to their life” (Weigel).

Second, the cheater must understand the reasons why he or she strayed from the relationship. When Dr. Kent-Ferraro had an affair that resulted in divorce, he took time to himself and analyzed his behavior, determined his reasons for cheating, and then proved his trustworthiness and affection for his wife again (Kent-Ferraro). Once he was able to pinpoint the reasoning behind his behavior, he was able to change his beliefs and his actions.

So, readers, do you think that a cheater will always cheat?

Want to learn more? Check out Kyle’s blog and Tweets.

Two Weeks After My Double Mastectomy

This is me -- two weeks after my double mastectomy with my surgical bra, gauze pads and drains.

It's not gross. It's not sexual. It's just real.

The Right Man Business Plan Giveaway

It's time for another Friday giveaway!

Looking for Success in the Boardroom and the Bedroom? Ron Williams' New Book Teaches Women How to Use Business Principles to Find the Right Man!

Why are so many women who have successfully climbed the corporate ladder in their fabulous heels, striking out in the romance department? They make great decisions in the boardroom and lousy choices for the bedroom. They can start a company, but can’t end a bad relationship. This book uses an innovative methodology to help solve the modern woman’s plight of finding the right man. The book, The Right Man Business Plan, educates women on how to have a successful, healthy relationship, by applying the same approach used to start and successfully run a business—with vision, strategy, planning, and accountability!

The book provides readers with tools to find Mr. Right using fundamental business principles. It provides informational gold mines, such as the four stages of a relationship, the four things all men want, and where to meet quality men while avoiding the “losers.” Unlike the typical self-help book, the author highlights the contemporary perils and parallels of professional and personal relationships. The Right Man Business Plan’s entertaining and easy Business 101 guidelines help readers identify if they are operating as a relationship Sole Proprietor, Limited Liability Corporation, Partnership, or Corporation, so that they can determine what kind of partner they would be most compatible with.

The manuscript does not ignore the role emotions play in relationships, but suggests business acumen and strategies can improve judgment and decision making, which will lead to relationship success. The book teaches women not only to choose partners with their heart, but also with their head! Relationship insanity is quickly becoming an epidemic. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results with each changing partner causes frustration. This book will help put an end to the cycle of disappointment by introducing a new way to think about relationships.

The Right Man Business Plan author, Ronald Williams, is a relationship strategist, dynamic and crowd-pleasing speaker and trainer. Currently, Mr. Williams is President of the Brand Enhancing Strategy Team (B.E.S.T.), a training and development company that specializes in leadership/management development, team building, and executive coaching.

In his inaugural book, the former corporate executive compares the similarities between business and romance in an insightful and informative way. Williams held key positions with companies like Nike, Champion Products, Wilson Sporting Goods, and Pelle Pelle, before starting his own consulting company specializing in leadership training, team building, and executive coaching.

“In order to build a house you need a blueprint, to make a movie you need a script, and to find the right man you need a plan,” says Williams. “I hope while reading this book you use your time and space to identify new solutions to old problems…discover patterns of behavior that no longer serve you well and change them.”

Want to learn the Four Cardinal Principles of The Right Man Business Plan Model for Women, including how to only date men who are worthy to be in a relationship with you? Comment with the best piece of business advice that you've ever received for a chance to win a hard copy of this book.

Rules: You must reside in the continental United States to enter. The winner will be chosen at random from Random.org on Friday, May 18, 2012. Pursuant to FTC Guidelines, no compensation or product was received in exchange for hosting this giveaway.

Good luck and have a great weekend! xoxo

SEXial mEDia

Earlier in the semester, my Sexuality and Social Media students and I discussed this video from Bedsider.org:

What are your thoughts on how the video encourages birth control use?

One of my students, Emjay, conducted her research for her class project on whether social media outlets specifically targeted towards sexual education are effective in their real world application. She explored Bedsider's offerings, including its section for "Reminders." Emjay writes:

“Set up a reminder and leave the rest to us” is the tag line (Bedsider). Speaking as someone who uses this feature on my phone I can say they really do take care of everything. There are two options of reminders: appointment or birth control reminder. You must certify that you are over the age of 13 and have a cell phone or have the expressed consent from an account owner. Under the appointment reminder you select the date and time of the appointment then if you would like the reminder sent to your e-mail or your phone. I have the reminder sent directly to my phone but you can text “STOP” to end it or “HELP” for more information.

For the birth control reminder you first select the type of birth control from ring, pill, patch or shot. These are the only options because according to Bedsider, “These are the only methods you need to remember on a set schedule, separate from the heat of the moment. It’d be tough for us to remind you when to use a condom or put in a sponge—there’s no way we could know when you’re going to get busy!” (Bedsider). (Although I wish there was an reminder for condom use, that might get a little creepy.)

At your selected date and time, Bedsider then texts you a fun messages like, “Two new findings suggest: Women prefer men with deep voices. Men with deep voices have lower sperm counts. No matter what he sounds like, please take your pill.” However, you can also select for a “less frisky option” (@Bedsider) that makes no mention of birth control or your specific method. Instead of setting an alarm or constantly being aware of what time it is, Bedsider provides a fun way to remind yourself to take your birth control.

For her project, Emjay also held a roundtable discussion with nine college students to: 1) evaluate the information contained within eight popular sex education websites; and 2) engage in open dialogue about sex and sex education. Click here to find out which websites the group liked the best and follow Emjay on Twitter for related updates!

PS Emjay came up with the catchy title for her blog and this post. Social Media + Sexual Education = SEXial mEDia!

What if your partner isn't supportive during a health crisis?

It's been two weeks since I had a double mastectomy, and I'm thankfully continuing to recoup well. The pain is minimal enough that I was able to stop pain medications last week. I unfortunately still have two drains coming out of my armpits, and they are uncomfortable and limiting. I also find myself getting out of breath often and losing focus easily. I'm hoping to get the last two drains out on Monday and receive clearance to drive and walk my dog by Memorial Day. I feel very glad that my doctors and I decided upon this course of treatment, and I'm incredibly grateful that I'm able to do as much as I can. Progress, not perfection, right?

During a recent interview with Breast Cancer Answers, I was asked about my thoughts on dealing with an unsupportive partner during a health crisis like breast cancer. Here's what I had to say:

Have you or a loved one had to deal with this? What thoughts do you have?

IUDs: A Primer

Have you ever wanted to know more about an intrauterine device, the birth control method known as an IUD?

If so, check out my video about IUDs for Health Central.

If an IUD might be the right birth control method for you or your partner, I encourage you to check with your doctor or health care professional.

Domestic Violence Is Not A Joke

The Internet is a large, open space where everyone has the ability to voice his or her opinion. What happens when that opinion is in support of abuse? A blog post last year addressed the hashtag that began trending on Twitter: #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend (Gruber). Twitter says, "the # symbol, called a hashtag, is used to mark keywords or topics in a Tweet. It was created organically by Twitter users as a way to categorize messages" (“What Are Hashtags”). For victims of domestic violence, a hashtag like this could not only serve as a trigger, but it normalizes violence against women. The blog article asks its readers if Twitter should remove hashtags that imply violence: 60% said yes, 30% said no, with 10% saying it depends on who the violence is aimed towards (Gruber).

In response to this hashtag, an online petition was started. The petition states, "this weekend, the hashtag ‘#reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend’ became the world’s number one ‘trending topic’ on Twitter. Thousands of users submitted reasons domestic violence would be acceptable including ‘dinner’s not ready’ and ‘she distracts you from watching television’” (“Tell Twitter”). The petition argues that Twitter bans hashtags that include curse words in them, and therefore, a topic that promotes abuse and violence should not be allowed on Twitter either (“Tell Twitter”). The petition had a goal of 10,000 signatures, and as of April 17th 2012, it had 8,784 signatures (“Tell Twitter”).

Of course this topic brings up the question of first amendment rights and free speech. One article argues, however, “Twitter’s policy states that ‘if you don’t like a topic, don’t read about it.’ Easier said than done when the topic in question is on the right side of every page, staring you in the face” (Aumiller). Especially for those who are personally affected by domestic violence, having such violence encouraged on a social media platform can be especially damaging. I think something like this is damaging for other populations as well. It teaches young women that they are not worth respecting, and it teaches young men that they have the right to say what they want about women, regardless of what kind of violence or disrespect that implies.

***

When I read the above blog post, written by my Sexuality and Social Media student, Dani Nispel, I was incensed. I recalled the Tweets during the 2012 Grammys, in which women claimed that they would let Chris Brown beat them any day. In my opinion, a person's right to expression on Twitter should not override a person's human right to a life free of violence. Allowing Tweets to trend that normalize domestic violence should not be allowed. Twitter regulates trending topics and bans Tweets that contain obscenities or are regarded as spam. Tweets glorifying violence of any kind should be similarly prohibited.

If you feel the same as I do, I hope you'll consider signing the online petition to "Tell Twitter: Domestic Violence Is Not A Joke."

If you're interested in reading more about the intersection of domestic violence and technology, I highly recommend that you check out Dani's blog. As she details in her project proposal,

There are harmful risks such as stalking, spyware, and information sharing, and these may or may not be offset by the improvement of resources made available to allow individuals to get help. Technology has expanded the resources to help victims, but it has also allowed perpetrators to use technology to further their abuse.

Thank you, Dani, for writing about this important topic and bringing this issue to our attention. As someone who has worked with domestic violence victims in the past, you've inspired me to think about what more I can do in the future.

The New Normal

Thank you to everyone for the outpouring of support over the past week!!!

I'm recouping well from my double mastectomies, and I'm thrilled to report that the surgery was infinitely easier on my body than chemotherapy. (Excuse me while I knock on wood in the hopes that my recuperation will continue as such.)

Earlier this month, I did a series of videos for BreastCancerAnswers.com. This video addresses how to process your emotions after being diagnosed with an illness such as breast cancer.

Do you have any advice to share with others?

Support

My mastectomy surgery is in two days. How do I feel about that?

Supported -- in every sense of the word.

A huge thank you to my friend and photojournalist, Moshe Zusman, for the concept, execution, and letting me be a part of this shoot!