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A letter to my students
Dear Sexuality and Social Media Students:
Thank you for submitting your Sexual Genograms. After reading your papers, I became reflective on my development and sexuality from my childhood through my early 20s. I came to DC the summer after my junior year at the age of 20. When I think back on that year, I recall:
• Dancing on the platforms at the Fifth Column and the Vault (two clubs on F Street that no longer exist);
• Watching the sunrise from the window of my boyfriend’s apartment;
• Many a laugh with the other Wellesley interns, Bex and D. (I'm still friends with them all);
• Feeling like the world was my oyster educationally and professionally;
• A lot of partying;
• Starting to go paralyzed (wish I was joking); and
• Believing that I knew a lot about sex because I was comfortable with my sexuality and had a lot of sex.
I had two major relationships that year. One was with the Diminutive Russian and the other was with UConn Boy. There were a few common themes to those relationships:
• I was really naïve. I not only believed the best in them, but I thought I could change them. Both of them worked in the bar business, and both had problems with alcohol;
• I confused sex as love. Being in DC was the first time that I lived away from parents and professors and felt like an adult. I think I craved the comfort and stability that a relationship (seemingly) provided;
• I liked the rush of dating bad boys and the excitement of never knowing what would happen next, but I emotionally wasn’t strong enough to handle the downs without a lot of Kleenex nearby; and
• Body image issues. The Diminutive Russian constantly belittled my weight. Being an impressionable, Type-A 20-year-old girl, I lost 20 pounds in eight weeks after I met him. I found the strength by the end of the year to stop tolerating his abusive comments, and I moved out of his place a few days later. I started eating healthy again later that year with UConn Boy's help. He didn’t make a big deal about food or my body so I learned not to either.
By and large, that feeling of being at peace with my body lasted…until this year. Appreciating my post-treatment body has been really tough for me. I look at women playing with their ponytails and try not to cry. I don’t recognize myself in photos. I don’t open the closet with the dresses that are still tight after so many steroids. I cringe anytime someone gives me a compliment.
Your genograms reminded me of what matters, though. Every stage of our development brings with it changes. In college, you’re laying the foundation for who you are as an adult professionally and personally. You make mistakes, and you pick yourself back up. You try new things to figure out what you like and don’t like. You do your best to feel comfortable in your own skin and with your own sexuality.
During class, I look out at you all and see a room of beautiful, intelligent and compassionate students. I hope that none of you talks about yourself with any self-deprecation or thinks of yourself negatively. It's time I start taking my own advice.
Our appearance changes with each decade and certain life events (puberty, attending college, pregnancy, health issues, reactions to medications, etc.). We can do our best to accept what is and work toward what we want, or we can be so upset at our own reality that we undervalue ourselves. I don’t have control over my hair and weight right now. I can either let that define and limit me, or I can focus on what I do have. I can’t promise that I won’t cry at times over how different I look, but I can promise to you, my readers and myself that I will try to appreciate the body I have now. We all deserve that.
Thank you for inspiring me! I know that you will continue to do so long after I'm no longer your professor.
Best,
Stef Woods
PS You might enjoy reading my advice to my 20something self or my post about what happened when I ran into The Diminutive Russian in 2009. No Kleenex required.
PPS Relationship ups and downs are normal. Being subjected to demeaning remarks, controlling behavior and/or physical abuse is not; it's unhealthy and unacceptable. If you are a victim of dating violence, please reach out for assistance on campus or through the DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
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