Month: February 2010

Prioritizing

The patterns of late in my relationship with Buckeyes Boy were unhealthy. Somehow we went from dominant and submissive in the bedroom to dominant and submissive outside of the bedroom. I was getting tired of being so deferential to him all the time…of catering to his every need when my basic needs were barely being met…of paying for everything when he had been at work for over a month now.

Then, just when I felt like I was going to lose it around him and go off on all that had been weighing on me, he would say something that would make me feel like maybe we could get past this.

Buckeyes Boy [after finding all these things I had gotten him]: I’ve never met anyone as thoughtful as you. I make some comments in passing about how my razor bumps are irritating and that I use hand sanitizer at work, and the next thing I know, you get me a whole facial cleansing system and a packet of hand sanitizers.

Me: You’re welcome, baby. That’s what I do for the people I love.

Buckeyes Boy: But, I don’t think you realize how few people do that. Thank you for being so patient with me with all the changes from the new job. I know this hasn’t been easy on you, but I really appreciate everything. [We kiss.]

Our relationship was (thankfully) not abusive, but I started to recognize the honeymoon stage that followed our fights. One night, he was saying that I was jealous and controlling, and the next night he would tell me how wonderful I was. A part of me wondered if the pendulum would stop swinging back and forth and if we could just…be.

In late November 2009, I was talking to my friend, AP, about the latest round of ups and downs with Buckeyes Boy.

Me: I give us a 50/50 chance of making it through New Year’s.

AP: Really? He adores you. I think you guys will work it out. He just needs to get into a routine at work first. But, at least you know you are ready!

Me: For what? [Pause.] Marriage?

AP: Yeah.

Me [laughing out loud]: I don’t know. I’m willing to stick it out with Buckeyes Boy because I love him and because of how good we were in the beginning. But, if you tell me I’m single again, I don’t think I’m going to be in a rush to get into another relationship. You know me…when did I ever talk about getting married before Buckeyes Boy?

AP [laughing]: Umm…never! When you told us that you guys were planning your wedding, I almost got whiplash! I thought the aliens had gotten you. [We both crack up.]

Me: Exactly. I know I want to be a mom. I don’t know that I want to be a wife. I’ll ride things out with Buckeyes Boy, but if we break up, I’m not sure if I see just looking for one guy to be with forever. I don’t know if that’s my thing.

Buckeyes Boy came home that evening and was up sick most of the night. I tried to do what I could to make him feel more comfortable, but some things just need to run their course. He had off the following day and gave me the heads up that two friends were having parties. As was the norm, he didn’t invite me to join him so I decided to make my own plans.

I figured that he would sleep in since he was sick most of the night, but he headed out in the morning to meet his sister for coffee. When he returned, the Ohio State-Michigan game was on, but he went back to bed since he wasn’t feeling well. (The fact that he wasn’t interested in the game as a former Buckeyes football player confused me, though.) I got him some ginger ale and some over-the-counter stuff and tucked him in.

As Buckeyes Boy and I were talking in bed, the topic of porn came up. He knew the actresses that I enjoyed, but I didn’t know whom he liked.

Me: When you are by yourself, who do you fantasize about?

Buckeyes Boy: Well, no one really.

Me: There’s not a porn star or an actress that you think about or like to watch when you are getting off?

Buckeyes Boy: I just don’t really do that.

Me: You don’t masturbate? [He nods.] I’m calling bull shit on that one.

Buckeyes Boy: Why would I do that when I can just go to a club and leave with a girl?

Me [biting my tongue from asking him why he was an almost 32-year-old man acting like he was still in college]: Really? Well, I thought you had said that you were a relationship guy.

Buckeyes Boy: I am. But when I’m not in a relationship, I’m gonna go out to take care of that. What guy wouldn’t do it that way?

Me: So…after you left Toronto [and the girl he was dating up there] and before we met, that’s what you did?

Buckeyes Boy: Yeah.

Me [as my eyes get really wide]: You sooo didn’t tell me that! You made it sound like you were all about relationships! Dare I ask if you used condoms with these women?

Buckeyes Boy: Of course.

Me: All the time? [He nods.] You definitely spun the whole, “I’m a relationship guy,” to your advantage. You made it sound like you hadn’t been with anyone since you left Toronto.

Buckeyes Boy: What if I go on your blog and read about the guys that you were with before we started dating?

Me: Go on it! You were the only person I slept with since I broke up with Lawyer Boy last Thanksgiving! I’ve had one one-night stand in a decade! I just wish you had told me this back in September.

Buckeyes Boy: What did you expect? Any guy who is good-looking enough to go into a bar and get a girl is going to do exactly the same thing!

As we rolled over to take a nap, I felt unsettled. I didn’t even bring up how he told me he had been tested for HIV when he arrived in DC and whether or not that was a lie. I just knew I needed to get tested again.

I woke up before Buckeyes Boy did, and there ended up being a change in my plans for the evening. I wasn’t going to Virginia, but rather, having dinner with my friend, Tina, in Adams Morgan. As it turned out, Buckeyes Boy’s parties that night were in Adams Morgan and U Street. Even though he had been sick a lot over the past 24 hours, he was still going to try to go out.

Me: Well, your stuff should be starting around the time that my stuff ends. If you want to grab a drink or meet up since we’ll both be in the same area, let me know. I could just come by for the first hour or so and then I’d leave you all so I can work on my thesis. Or, if you decide not to go out and you need anything, just call me. I should be home by 10 at the latest, but I can leave early if you need me to.

Buckeyes Boy: Okay. I’ll let you know.

I hadn’t heard from Buckeyes Boy when I was out with Tina so I headed home just before 10. I assumed that he had decided not to go out or else I would’ve heard from him. My assumptions were proven wrong, though, when I got off the elevator on my floor. The air was filled with the aroma of Buckeyes Boy’s cologne.

“I just missed him!” I thought to myself. “That fucker didn’t even call me!”

Sure enough, I went inside, and he was gone. I called Tina with tears streaming down my eyes.

“This is ridiculous! I take care of his ass all night and now he’s out with friends who don’t know that I even exist and he doesn’t even let me come along for a drink?!?”

“You need to sit down and talk to him,” Tina said.

I agreed with her, but I also wondered if talking to him would even register. He always belittled my attempts to talk about our relationship problems, or he would deflect the conversation to make me feel like I was in the wrong, jealous and insecure.

As the clock went from 10pm to 2am, I got progressively more upset. I thought about telling him to pack his stuff up, call his sister, and get out of my place. I thought about leaving his stuff outside my apartment door. But, I realized that he would be coming home after a night of drinking and that wasn’t the right time to get into a relationship discussion or end things so abruptly.

When Buckeyes Boy got back, he was buzzed and clearly had no idea that I might be mad at him. I just kissed him hello and went back to bed. In the morning, he was Mr. Friendly as he got ready for work, thanking me for taking care of him and telling me how much fun he had the previous evening.

Buckeyes Boy: I don’t think I can go out tonight since the event will be a late one, but maybe Monday night? [I nod my head.] I know that you wanted to go out before I leave for Georgia, and I definitely want to do that.

Me: Okay.

We walked out of the apartment building, and after I kissed him and went on my way with Nutter, I found myself rolling my eyes. In contrast with the past month, I wasn’t sad anymore. As I continued around Rock Creek Parkway, I tried to figure out why. My call with AP had me thinking:

I’ve been putting my goal on hold for Buckeyes Boy. And, I had to ask myself if he was worth doing that for.

“What goal?” you might be asking.

Being a Mom. I had told myself in 2008 that if two things happened in 2009 (I moved into a 2-bedroom apartment, and my health was stable), I would start the process to adopt an older child in 2010. Both of those important pieces were in place, but now, with Buckeyes Boy on the scene, I was putting his needs and goals before mine.

I decided to ride it out with Buckeyes Boy for six more weeks to see if he stepped up. If things didn’t markedly change by the time 2010 rolled around (and yes, I knew that I needed to play a role in standing up for myself), then the Ball in Times Square wasn’t the only thing that would be dropped.

The light bulb

My game of Chutes and Ladders with Buckeyes Boy continued. There seemed to be a direct correlation between his work schedule, his mood and his health. When he didn’t have a day off all week, he was exhausted, sick and not the nicest guy to be around. We would still talk and have sex, but the overwhelming stress of his job sucked the life and the light out of him. He got his dream job, but at what price? Could he continue at this pace? Could we?

Around election time in November 2009, Buckeyes Boy asked me a question about local politics. I was in the zone, working on my thesis, so I just answered his question briefly.

Buckeyes Boy: Don’t you even know what’s going on in your own city? I need to get you more involved in politics.

I just looked at him and shrugged. A few days later, I relayed the story to my friend, Nicole, and her big, beautiful brown eyes got so wide that she looked like a deer in headlights.

Nicole [laughing hysterically]: Is he kidding? You must have really kept quiet the past few months.

I thought about her comment, and realized that she was right. I had kept quiet about a lot. Buckeyes Boy is a smart guy, and he respects my intellect, but I had been downplaying my accomplishments and intelligence around him. It was odd for me to realize how I had made myself so deferential to him that he didn’t even know that I had come to DC for a Political Science Internship, let alone how many protests and marches in which I had participated.

All that changed, however, when he brought up a topic relating to my specific field of practice. I launched into a 30-minute diatribe about the flaws with our legal system and current policies. He listened and asked follow-up questions, but I sensed that he was surprised. I also realized that I had been “dumbing myself down” around Buckeyes Boy. I needed to stop doing that and find a way to be supportive of him without dismissing my own strengths and accomplishments.

The week before Thanksgiving, Buckeyes Boy had to work 80 hours without a day off, which took a toll on him and us. I tried to focus on how the glass was half-full. But, I became rather salty when I saw on Twitter that: 1) he had given Susan a tour of his office; and 2) he went out with friends for drinks after work without letting me know in advance. For me, that was a Double Whammy!

He could tell I was upset at him when he came home, but he didn’t know why.

Me: Really? There’s nothing you did today that might upset me. (And, yes, that was totally the passive-aggressive way to approach the matter.)

Buckeyes Boy: [Pause.] Oh, that Susan came to the Convention Center?

Me: Ya think?!?

Buckeyes Boy: Well, she was down there. What was I supposed to do?

Me: I don’t mind you having lunch with your friends or showing them around. But, I had told you before that it’s important to me that your friends know I exist and that I see your office before other girls do.

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: She was down there for work! What does it matter who I show around my office?

Me: I could see if we hadn’t talked about this before, but we did. This matters to me. And, how do you think it makes me feel to find this all out on Twitter?

Buckeyes Boy: You are so jealous!

Me: No. I’m not jealous of you being friends with other girls. It just makes me feel like you don’t care about me when I tell you something and you don’t appreciate where I’m coming from. I get that people are down near your office. I just don’t get why you wouldn’t show me around before other girls when we talked about this.

Buckeyes Boy: This doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t like this at all! And, Susan’s the person you should least be worried about! What about the other girls who I’ve shown around the office who didn’t Tweet about it?

(I could tell that he was just trying to get under my skin with that one so I didn’t directly respond to that. I know the girls to whom he was referring, but the girls weren’t the problem here.)

Me: I don’t care that you have friends who are girls and that you spend time with them. I care about the fact that I’m trying to be a part of your world like you are a part of mine, and you won’t let me in. You make me feel like I’m asking you for these outlandish things, when I’m asking for very little! [I’m crying enough by this point that I need to get a tissue.] Remember how you told me about your girl in Charlotte and how you had a relationship of convenience? [Pause.] Is that how you see me?

Buckeyes Boy [raising his voice]: That’s ridiculous! I can’t believe that you would use my past against me! What if I went on your blog and asked you about whether you were cheating on me because you cheated on other guys in the past?

(Technically, I was the other woman, not the cheater, but I decided not to argue about semantics.)

Me: Go on my blog if you want! I haven’t been with anyone since Lawyer Boy other than you, and I’ve already written posts about how I feel things for you that I’ve never felt for anyone before. I just need to know that you feel the same about me.

Buckeyes Boy: I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. If I didn’t want to be with you, I would tell you.

Our tones and words softened, and we kissed and made up. He told me that he wanted to have me come to the Convention Center after the holiday. That made me smile, but I still wasn’t comfortable with our exchange. When we fought, I always ended up apologizing for being insecure or for upsetting him. I was the submissive one in all aspects of our relationships, even when he was in the wrong or when I was asking him for things that are normal in an adult relationship.

After our conversation, I went outside to walk Nutter and called my friend, Julie. She said:

You are one of the most loving and generous people I know. You have the biggest heart, and always try to make everyone else happy. You deserve someone who appreciates how wonderful you are and who will try to make you as happy as you make him. You keep telling me that you love him, but lately, you’re always in tears when you talk about him. When was the last time he did anything nice for you?

Me: Umm. [Pause.] I don’t know. [Pause.] Going to dinner? Of course, I was the one who had to pay and then he got more parking tickets. When he came home early so we could watch Love Actually? [Pause.] Yeah, it’s been a while.

Julie: Now when was the last time you did something nice for him?

Me: [Pause.] A few hours ago. (I had made sure that I had his favorite Shiraz and cupcakes in for when he got home from work.) He shouldn’t get points for being nice 10 days ago, huh?

Julie: You deserve someone who will be good to you.

Me: I know that. I just need to get up the strength to tell him that.

The following day, I talked to several more friends about my relationship with Buckeyes Boy. The general consensus was that he didn’t appreciate me and that he was taking advantage of my generosity. After hearing that from five friends in one day, a light bulb went off in my head.

Buckeyes Boy needed to step up. Things were going to have to change.

An Oral Quandary

A friend approached me at an event last week in search of my advice about a situation with his girlfriend.

Friend: So, my girlfriend doesn't like giving me oral sex. I don't know if she had a traumatic experience or not so I don't want to pressure her, but I really like blow jobs.

Me [nodding knowingly]: Rightfully so. Did you ask her why she doesn't go down on you?

Friend: Yeah. She just said that it's not her thing.

Me: Do you go down on her?

Friend: All the time. It's the only way that she can get off.

Me: Have you asked her why it's not her thing?

Friend: No, I don't want to be insensitive. I knew you were going to ask me that. [We laugh.]

Me: Are you guys serious?

Friend: Yes. We've been together for several months. I wouldn't worry about it if we weren't.

I gave him the short version of my answer at the event, but I thought I should post the longer answer here. (And, for those of you girls who have trouble getting your guy to go downtown, most of these answers should work in reverse.)

1. Pick a time to communicate with your significant other when sex isn't on the agenda. Don't broach the subject when you are in bed or in the shower since that would just add pressure or expectations to the situation. Bring it up when you have time to talk and listen;

2. Be honest and thoughtful of the other person. This subject is on your mind, but it might not be on her mind. To paraphrase what I told my friend to say to his girlfriend, "You had mentioned a while back that you don't like giving blow jobs. I feel like it's important for us as a couple to talk about this. I love you and want to understand where you are coming from since I really enjoy the act and see it as very intimate. If you don't want to talk tonight, that's okay, though. We can talk about it more after you've given this some thought;" and

3. Respect that maybe your girlfriend doesn't know or can't articulate what she doesn't like about oral sex. When she is able to give you her response, delve into the matter further with sensitivity;

a. Is smell an issue? If so, what if you try it first in the shower so she knows that your cock is clean? (Note: be sure to rinse off after soaping up since the taste of even the mildest of soaps isn't pleasant.);

b. Is she worried that she will gag? Assure her that you won't thrust and that she can take your cock in her mouth at her pace and in the position that is most comfortable for her;

c. If she's unsure of what to do, what if you bought a sex book or attended a workshop with a sex educator? Or, check out one of my blow job posts or other info on the Internet? (Be mindful of the fact that she may or may not want to do this research with you.)

If and when she's ready to try giving you a blow job, let her know by your touch and your voice when you are enjoying a particular move. We all like gold stars; and

d. If she's unsure if she wants to swallow, don't push that. Wait until she feels more comfortable with the act before you discuss the possibility of adding that level of difficulty/stress/confusion to the mix. Let her know that you will tell her before you cum so that she can remove her mouth from your cock.

If you sense that she has had some traumatic experience with a blow job in the past, proceed cautiously and lovingly. (And, by trauma, I'm referring to something that evokes tears or anger.) Give her a hug, tell her you love her no matter what, and suggest that she speak with a health care professional to process her feelings.

What thoughts do you have for my friend? Have you encountered or felt anything similar?

How to (maybe) orgasm during sex

A female friend recently sent me an email, asking for my recommendations for the best sexual position to achieve an orgasm. That baffled me a bit because there's no simple answer to that question.

"Why is that?" you might be wondering.

Well, one's woman multiples is another woman's "isn't the G-Spot a myth?" No two women are alike in this regard, and with that in mind, here are my thoughts:

1. Have you had a G-Spot* orgasm before?

If yes, then proceed to #2.

If no, then proceed to #3. (I so wish WordPress had a flow chart feature.)

* There was a recent journal study that claimed the G-Spot doesn't exist. It does – trust me – although a woman's ability to access it varies.

2. What positions facilitate having an orgasm during sex?

if you can orgasm vaginally on your own, then you need to figure out what positions work best given your body and your partner's body. A lot of this is trial and error, but I recommend these positions for getting the best angles for a G-Spot orgasm during intercourse:

a. You on top with your back facing your man's chest (reverse catcher's mitt).

This allows for the curve of your man's cock to rub against the G-Spot. It also gives you more flexibility to angle your body and move your hips how you like. In this position, you can easily massage your clit, or depending on your partner's size, insert a finger to rub your G-Spot as you're having sex.

b. Doggy-Style.

This position allows for clitoral stimulation with hands and a good angle for the cock to penetrate the G-Spot. However, depending on the height difference between both partners, men and women might prefer different angles.

c. You on top facing your man.

This position provides a good angle for the cock to stimulate the G-Spot. It's also an easy reach for either you or your partner to massage your clit. If you need an emotional connection with your partner to orgasm, you can kiss and look into your man's eyes during the act. And, if you and your man like to use a cock ring or the We-Vibe, this position enables the toy to stay in place and hit just the right spots.

(If you are a man reading this, err on the side of caution here! When you are having sex, just start gently massaging your girl's clit with two fingers in small circles. She may or may not orgasm, but I doubt she will protest your efforts. Also, guys, missionary might be the easiest position for you, but it's usually not a winner for G-Spot stimulation. Again, I recommend that you let your fingers do the talking here.)

3. Try to find your G-Spot.

If you haven't yet had a G-Spot orgasm, then take some time on your own to explore before trying to orgasm with your partner.

A 2005 study reports that only 14% of women always orgasm during intercourse. And, somewhere between 16% and one-third of women can never orgasm during traditional sex. Women, don't feel bad or guilty if you can't orgasm during intercourse! There's no right or wrong here, and one study says that genetics play a role in your ability to orgasm. Just spend some quality time with yourself and see what happens.

If you are a man and you don't know whether your woman is able to have a G-Spot orgasm, then there's a need to communicate with her. I recommend bringing this up when you have the time to talk and sex isn't expected. It's important to take the pressure off of the end result and focus on the intimacy of connecting as a couple!

If you've found a position that works well for you and your partner, please comment. In this regard, sharing is definitely caring!

I’m a 1950s housewife!

I am giver. A nurturer. I take care of the people in my life. How did those qualities manifest themselves when Buckeyes Boy went back to work in October 2009? I turned into a housewife from the 1950s.

When Buckeyes Boy arrived home from work, I would offer to hang up his jacket and ask him what he wanted to drink. As I poured his beer or wine, I would place cupcakes or cookies on a plate for him to eat. (If I had an apron and blonde hair, you might wonder if I was June Cleaver!)

One of my friends visited us for a weekend and observed how Buckeyes Boy and I interact. He commented to his boyfriend that he was a bit taken aback by our relationship. According to his boyfriend, he was surprised that “a strong woman like [City Girl] would act so subservient.”

(“Subservient” definitely has negative connotations. It makes me happy to make the people I love happy so I don’t see being a caregiver as an obligation, but rather a privilege. Yes, I have very nontraditional views about sex, but when it comes to relationships, I’m actually very traditional. I try to date guys who appreciate both sides of my personality and who respect that I choose to care for them. I like to be a wanna-be porn star in the bedroom, but I’m comfortable being subservient or deferential in other personal settings. Putting myself in your shoes as a reader, though, I understand if I’m catching you off guard.)

So, Buckeyes Boy worked 12-hour days and was lucky if he got one day off a week. He might not eat anything until dinnertime at which point he rushed to grab something quick before whatever event was being held that night at the Convention Center. When he came home at 10pm, he was exhausted, yet needed time to unwind. By the time he fell asleep, it was 2 or 3am and then he had to wake up at 8am.

The combination of lack of sleep, poor diet and long hours caused Buckeyes Boy to be sick — a lot. More often than not, he would arrive home with a headache, sore throat or an upset stomach. Or, we would be watching TV and he would fall asleep sitting up while listening to a Pod Cast. I did what I could to help him feel better by getting him tea with honey…or Motrin…or Imodium…or a pillow. I empathize when someone I care about is sick, and my nurturing side kicks into overdrive when my man is the patient.

Buckeyes Boy would thank me after I helped him out in any regard, but the following conversation warmed my heart:

“I’ve never met anyone like you,” Buckeyes Boy said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“A lot of people say they love you or they care about you, but you don’t just say it. You show it. All the time,” he explained.

“Of course I do. I don’t want you to forget that for a minute, and it makes me happy to make you happy,” I told him.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me,” he said as he moved in for a kiss.

I kissed him back and smiled to myself. June Cleaver would be proud!