Month: September 2009

He’s great on paper, but…

July 2009

I was still on a high from meeting JAG Man. We had a lot in common, and we were both in similar places in our lives.

We met on a Thursday, and he asked me out for the following evening. (He won points for not playing the "wait three days" game. I was never one for those dating rules.) JAG Man invited me out for a dog walk and coffee. I was looking forward to that, but my sick pooch put a wrench in those plans. I figured that JAG Man would suggest that we grab coffee without my dog, but he surprised me by asking if I wanted to have dinner…at Westend Bistro by Eric Ripert. The wanna-be foodie in me gave him extra points for that wonderful suggestion.

I thoroughly enjoyed our dinner, but I liked JAG Man's company even more than the food. He's incredibly intelligent, and I felt inspired by his accomplishments. He also has a kind heart, and his face lit up when he talked about spending time with his nieces.

After dinner, we walked back to my place. I invited JAG Man inside, and he helped me prepare sangria for my Girls' Night the following evening. I kept waiting for him to try to make a move, but he never did. Three hours later, he said that he needed to leave before he "lost control." I wasn't sure if that would have been a good thing or a bad thing, but I respected the fact that he wanted to take his time getting to know each other. (I had jumped into bed way too soon with far too many guys. At this stage of my life, though, I was interested in a relationship, not just casual sex.)

JAG Man and I made plans to see each other on Sunday night. I had so many leftovers from my party that we just had dinner at my place. After we ate, we sat on my balcony and talked for a couple of hours. When we went back inside my apartment, he moved toward me and kissed me. Really kissed me.

His lips and tongue felt perfect against mine. He kissed with just the right blend of softness and strength. We stayed on the couch and made out for two hours like we were in high school. I was wet, and he was hard, but neither of us talked about sex. I had a feeling that there would be time for that in the future.

As JAG Man was leaving, I realized that I had a little crush on him. I hadn't had a crush on a guy in a very long time, and it felt good. A half-hour later, JAG Man called to let me know that he had gotten home okay.

JAG Man: I had a great time tonight.

Me: So did I.

JAG Man: I wanted to let you know that I'm not really sure what I'm looking for right now.I don't know where I see this going.

Me: Well, we're just getting to know each other so we don't need to talk about that yet, do we?

JAG Man: Well, I broke up with my ex-girlfriend two years ago, and that was really hard. I'm still processing my feelings. Since she and I broke up, I have a tendency to fall really fast for girls and then, when we start to get close, I stop calling them.

Me: [Holy Shit! Where is this even coming from? We just met three days ago! We barely know each other. Plus, who throws out all his issues on the second date?] So…are you telling me this because you want me to stop you if you do that with me or because you just want me to know why you won't be calling me back down the road?

JAG Man: The latter.

Me: [Long pause.] Okay. [Another pause.] It just seems a bit odd to bring this all up now.

JAG Man: Well, I dated a girl earlier this year, and when she confronted me as to why I became distant, I told her that I wasn't ready for anything serious. She had said that she wished she knew that from the beginning, and I didn't want to make the same mistake with you.

Me: Okay. Thanks then.

He and talked for another half hour or so about other topics, but in the back of my head, I kept wondering…

Was Mr. Great on Paper really not that great when it came to relationships?

Great on paper

Summer 2009

JAG Man sightings during the month of June made for some interesting dog walks around my neighborhood. JAG Man always warranted a look back and a smile from me. (There are those girls who never show interest or flirt with a guy before he shows interest in them. But, that "playing coy" thing has – thankfully — never been my style.)

JAG Man's suits and shirts looked as though they were custom-made. His color palette proved that a real man can wear lavender and pink. And, his face and body were also easy on the eyes. Imagine a man who is 6'1" with a soccer player body and a dark black complexion.

JAG Man never was outside sans papers and a red pen in his hand. I would have put money on the fact that he was a lawyer working for one of the firms near my condo.

There was only one thing that I found strange regarding my initial impression of JAG Man. He never smiled back at me. He wasn't wearing a wedding band, and he didn't pique my fairly accurate gaydar. Maybe he had a girlfriend? Or he wasn't attracted to white women? Or he only approached women dressed professionally? I was a tad perplexed since I'm used to at least getting some reaction from a guy when I smile at him. (I'm not writing that to be arrogant, but at 5'10" with long red hair and very fair skin, I don't exactly blend in a crowd.)

In late June, I was walking my dog and saw JAG Man at the end of the block. I smiled at him per usual, and he nodded with closed lips. In comparison to our previous interactions, that seemed like progress! A few minutes later, he walked toward me and stopped right in front of me. Then, he reached for his phone and abruptly turned around. Man, this guy was one step forward and one step back! Later that evening, I saw JAG Man walking with a woman. I couldn't tell if they were together or not, but I decided to err on the side of caution that she might be his girlfriend.

I hadn't seen JAG Man for a couple of weeks when I ran into him again on July 16th. He was outside of his office building, editing a document. I found it odd that he was still wearing his suit, shirt and tie at 6:30pm, especially considering that it was 90 degrees with 80% humidity. As my dog was sniffing the newly planted mulch, I caught JAG Man's eye as he looked up and said,

"I give you credit for keeping your jacket on in this weather."

"Well," he replied, "I hadn't even thought about taking it off since I'm going back into the office in a few minutes."

A few minutes turned into almost an hour, as we stood outside of his office and talked. I realized within short order that JAG Man was more shy than aloof. Early on in the conversation, he brought up the fact that he had wanted to approach me before, but was always in a rush. He even talked about the night that he almost came up to me. Apparently, he had wanted to say hello to me, but was distracted waiting for his friend (not girlfriend!) from college.

The more we talked, the more it became very obvious that we had a lot in common. We both:

*Had lived overseas as teenagers and loved languages;
*Were lawyers and went back to school for our master's degrees;
*Were active with charities;
*Valued our faith;
*Rooted for the NY Giants despite the fact that we both had resided in DC since the mid-1990s. (NFC East rivalries are hardcore.)

JAG Man was only two years older than me, but he was so professionally accomplished that you would have thought he was in his 50s. He was regularly interviewed on television news shows, served on nonprofit boards and legal committees, and was the national president of his fraternity's alumni chapter. There is good on paper, and there is great on paper. He was clearly the latter!

"It was wonderful to talk with you. I hope that we can do it again soon. Please e-mail me when you get back upstairs," JAG Man told me as his handed me his card.

I took his card, and we hugged goodbye. I walked back inside my building with a little extra spring in my step and a huge smile on my face. I wanted to e-mail him right away, but I figured that I would exhibit some restraint…and wait two hours ;).

It’s always sunny with Philly Matt

June 2005

I left NYC a day early to stop off in Philadelphia to go out with Philly Matt. We hadn't seen each other since my Girls' Weekend in Philadelphia in late April. I got off the train and took the escalator up to the main level of the station. There Matt was…looking as fine as ever in his jean jacket and French Connection t-shirt. We gave each other a long, close hug, and I sighed to myself. It felt good to (finally) choose a nice guy!

Philly Matt had less than 24 hours to plan our date, but he still put some thought into it. We drove off to a restaurant in Olde City. There was a fireplace inside with a lot of warm wood and European beers on tap. The restaurant was casual, but romantic. We grabbed a drink at the bar, while we waited for a table. He turned to me and said,

"It's already 8. I'm happy to bring you back to the station after dinner so you can get a train back to DC tonight. But, on the chance that you wanted to stay over, I reserved a room for you at the Westin. I don't mean to be presumptuous, and I'm happy to go home tonight or sleep on the couch in the hotel room. I just wanted to spend as much time with you as I could, and I didn't want to worry about you on the train at midnight."

I looked at him and smiled, "That was really thoughtful, Matt. I would love to stay over. I'm sure the couch will work, too."

In less than an hour, Philly Matt had exhibited several qualities that I wasn't used to seeing in the guy that I was dating. (Thoughtful and communicative guys might be the norm for some girls, but not me.) I could tell that I was ready for a nicer guy because his comments and actions didn't scare me off in the slightest.

Matt sat at the bar for over an hour, talking about his children, my job and how we met. When we finally got to a table, I realized that I hadn't stopped smiling since he picked me up from the station. Philly Matt made me laugh and feel safe all at the same time.

I could tell that I liked him when I showed him my dorky side. He excused himself to go to the bathroom, and I took one of my business cards out of my purse and wrote a little note on the back about how fine he was. When he returned to our table, he saw the card on his chair, read it and laughed out loud.

After dinner, we went over to Club 27 where we met. We danced a bit. And, then, that part of me that can over-think relationships with men kicked into gear. For over two years, my world revolved around Basketball Boy. Even when I was seeing other guys, I just viewed them as temporary companionship and would drop everything for Basketball Boy. Now, I was looking at Philly Matt and only thinking about him. Did he have boyfriend potential?

We didn't stay long at the club since it was packed. We headed back to the Westin, and I set some ground rules: I didn't want to do anything south of the border. If he was okay with that, I was fine with him sleeping in the bed with me.

Philly Matt wasn't just fine with that, but he thought that it was smart to take things slow and get to know each other. Wow! Now, that was refreshing!

Our time together in the hotel room reminded me of the second night that we spent together in April. His mouth was so warm. His tongue was engaging and passionate without being sloppy. When he kissed me, I felt weak in the knees – no matter whether we were standing up or lying down.

In the morning, we woke up and just picked up where we left off. We made out for over an hour like we were in high school. At noon, he realized that he didn't know when checkout time was. He picked up the phone and called the front desk.

"Yes, I was wondering what time checkout is? [Pause.] Noon, huh? [Pause.] As in, right now? [Pause. He laughs.] Well, would it be possible to have a later checkout? [Pause.] Thank you!"

We had another two hours. Oh, in case you're wondering how we spent that time, we used 15 minutes to get ready and the rest of the time to kiss each other some more. I know that we had brunch afterward, but couldn't tell you where or what we talked about. I just remember boarding the train that afternoon to DC and thinking that I would be spending much more time in Philadelphia. *Sigh*

What’s good for the goose…

This afternoon, I posted the following Tweet: Thinking about double standards between men and women. Would I have to blog about relationships and sex anonymously if I was a guy? (To clarify, I'm assuming that the guy in this scenario is straight since the issue of sexual orientation would add another huge obstacle to the equation.)

Since I attended the DC Twestival last week, I've been thinking a lot about this. I don't know if I can be a selectively-anonymous sex blogger, but I'm going to try. The majority of my friends on Facebook have known about my blog since its inception. If I meet people who I think would enjoy my posts, I openly share my blog link with them. Most of my ex-boyfriends also know about this site.

However, I have kept my name and face off of my blog so that I have some control over who finds out about my relationship history. My hesitancy to reveal my identity to every reader stems from the fact that I don't want to be judged about my sexual proclivities in the workplace.

There are a lot of lawyers out there who dislike the profession in general or their jobs in particular. I just don't happen to be one of them. I've wanted to be an attorney since I was 14-years-old and love the law! But, I fear that as a female attorney in a conservative city like DC that I'm not allowed to openly love sex, too!

With respect to my career and the blog, I feel like a male attorney could joke about his dating escapades after work with his colleagues over cigars at Morton's without serious repercussions. I'm not intimating that there wouldn't be any professional ramifications if a man's sex blog became public, but I doubt that a guy would receive much more than a scolding:

Might not want to talk about your personal life around the office, Mike. Some of the ladies might not understand. [Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.]

When I finish my master's program in a few months and return to practicing law, I don't think that I'll be afforded the same freedoms as my male counterparts. My blog and my sexuality will have to be kept a secret from my co-workers. I'm not suggesting that an office is the appropriate place to engage in sexual banter. But, there is still a double standard when it comes to sex and the sexes, and that angers me on so many levels.

In all but one office where I've worked, senior male employees have made inappropriate comments about my body. I've learned to stand up for myself, but I know that I couldn't make similar comments about how a male partner's suit hugs his curves just so. I also couldn't be taken as seriously if my colleagues knew that I was City Girl. (I could write several more paragraphs about Puritanical values, what men can get away with in the workplace versus women, and how I expect more out of our society in 2009, but I'll spare you.)

So, what's your opinion to my original question? Do you agree or disagree that a man can blog more easily about sex and relationships than a woman?

I'm going to continue to do my best to be "selectively out" as a sex blogger. Only time will tell if that one foot in and one foot out approach will work.