Month: August 2009

Can a threesome help you reconnect?

In response to my posts on reconnecting with your partner, one of my friends suggested the option of "trying a threesome." I think a threesome might not make sense if the ultimate goal is to get closer with your significant other, but I appreciate that there are different strokes for different folks (pun intended). A few thoughts, for what they're worth:

1. For a straight couple, a threesome tends to be a fantasy for the guy and not the girl. If your girl is bisexual or truly comfortable with exploring her sexuality, then bringing another woman into the bedroom might be a fun activity to raise the sexual bar in your relationship. But, I would do a lot of communication before to ensure that there aren't a slew of problems afterward.

Is your girl really as into this as you are? Make sure that she is not just doing this to please you, and let her know that you will not leave her or cheat on her if she doesn't feel comfortable with having a threesome.

If she is genuinely open to this, what are her ground rules? Be specific. What can you do to the other woman? What can the other woman do to her? If any participant wants to stop, what is the "out" word or phrase? ("I don't feel comfortable with this" should get the point across, but it's okay to use a code word if that makes you feel better.) Will the other two people respect the third person's wishes and walk out of the bedroom?

Is it better to pull in a female friend of hers or someone that neither of you know? That's very couple specific. If you have a threesome with someone you are close to, there are pros and cons. On the one hand, everyone might feel more inclined to relax around each other because of the shared history. On the other, you all might feel more awkward or nervous since you know this girl — either at the time or after the fact.

If you ask someone you don't know that well to join you in a threesome, how or where will you meet such a willing participant? Can you trust that she will respect the ground rules? Will you ask her about her health history beforehand or not? Will all of you feel relaxed enough around each other?

Where will this go down? Is a hotel more discreet than your home? Is it better not to have this happen in the bedroom you share with your partner? Or, do you prefer to have home field advantage?

2. Conduct a cost/benefit analysis in advance! I recommend talking with your partner beforehand about the goals of this evening. Are there other, better ways to reconnect with each other? Could you go to a strip club together and then go back to your bedroom? Bring a porno movie or toy into the mix? Take a class together with a sex educator? Go to a resort for couples? Are there other fantasies that you both have that could be fulfilled?

My concern with a threesome is that once you go there, you can't unring that bell. If it doesn't work for any reason at all, what will happen to your relationship? Is it worth losing your partner?

So, the moral of this post: proceed with caution! I'm not saying that a threesome isn't a way to reconnect with your partner, but I would make sure that the benefits clearly outweigh the risks and that everyone is on the same page!

Reconnecting with your partner

Two months ago, my friend and I were at Founding Farmers when she asked me for some sex advice. Her dilemma:

I come home from a long day at work and don't have the energy to pretend that I'm a porn star. I'm tired. I have to take care of dinner, clean the house, feed and play with our baby girl, and then get her ready for bed. I want to spice our relationship up, but most times, I'm just having sex so my husband is satisfied. Even then, I spend a lot of the act thinking about how much I have to do around the house afterward. And, just once I would love to come home and have him put our child to bed and have a bath ready for me!

***

I've heard this from quite a few of my friends in their 30s and 40s. Everyone's schedules are so hectic that it leaves little time and energy for sexy time. Some of that is to be expected. Marriage changes the relationship dynamic. Working in more senior positions or trying to keep a job in a bad economy compounds the stresses. Having children places huge time constraints on a relationship. What's a couple to do?*

I gave my friend a few suggestions and thought I would share those with you all. From my perspective as an outsider and friend, the goal here is to make both parties happy, while respecting the fact that time is at a premium. My friend wants romance and intimacy. Her husband wants to get laid. I think that both of them can get what they want!

I recommended that they find one hour a week to reconnect. Just one! Even if a week is especially hectic, family is visiting, or one person is sick, one hour is doable (pun intended).

For the first week, I mentioned that my friend should let her husband set the itinerary. A few days before the "Rendezvous," he should send her an e-mail, text or note with what he would like to happen. (Keep in mind, though, that there should be some ground rules about what would be an acceptable way to spend the hour. If you've never introduced anal, porn or another girl into the mix, now is not the time to do so. Work within realistic and comfortable realms.)

The purpose of the e-mail/text/note is to get communication going about sex and romance…to get both parties excited about their upcoming time together…to make the guy think more about what the woman wants and vice-versa. The ultimate goal is to bring the couple closer!

For the second week, the woman sets the agenda with the same rules. I told my friend that if what she wants is to have a bubble bath and a bottle of wine, then that could be her hour right there! There's a time and place for sex that's down and dirty, but there's also a place for romance.

I suggested alternating that mode for several weeks. If it helps to book a babysitter in advance, do so. Also, try not to pick the last possible hour in the week to reconnect. That way if there's an emergency, you will be able to reschedule. Remember that it's just one hour and that you deserve (if not, need) the quality time as a couple!

If that's worked for a month, then try planning how to spend an hour together. That involves communication, which is one of the keys to any healthy relationship. Maybe make a plan to try something new as a couple? You don't need to go buck wild, but get out of your comfort zone or your routine a bit. A new position, a new place, a toy, a sex book or a porno flick…anything will do.

Or, write a few of your ideas for how to spend the hour down and ask your partner to do the same. Put those pieces of paper in a box/bowl and then pick one piece of paper out and focus on that activity for your hour.

If one hour works with your hectic schedules, then add a second hour. You don't need to reinvent the wheel of your default relationship mode or try to spend five hours a week in bed together (unless you want to, that is). But, it's worth it for you both to find ways to reconnect on a romantic and sexual level.

Think of this like an exercise program or diet plan for your relationship. If you lose 10 pounds in a week, such rapid weight loss is tough to maintain. Likewise, most of the couples that I know don't have the time or energy to spend hours upon hours in the bedroom. Pick a realistic way to spice things up a bit! And, remember that small changes will have long-term benefits!

*I realize that this post caters to breeders or power couples, but I wanted to answer my friend's question first.

Next Post: Tips for any couple to spice things up (regardless of time, age, stage, marital status or whether there's a kid in the next room). I'll also throw in a few ideas for those women who don't particularly enjoy sex and some reminders for my female readers to embrace their bodies — whatever size and shape they are.

xoxo

There’s something about Philly Matt

April 2005

Our second evening in Philadelphia found us at dining at Tangerine and grabbing drinks at Lucy's. I wanted to go to Club 27 to see Philly Matt again, but I deferred to the Birthday Girl, Nizzle, as to her wishes for the evening. (I could always pop into the club to give Matt my number on our way to the next bar, right?)

As the clock hit 1:00am, we finally headed over to Club 27. The security manager at the door recognized us, and within a few minutes, Philly Matt was at the door. He hugged us all hello and escorted us upstairs. There was the usual dancing and drinking, and by the time the club closed, my friends were three Drunky Brewsters!

The plan was for my group to grab drinks or pizza with Philly Matt and his friend, Grant, after they were done with work. When the club cleared out, all of us relaxed in one of the front rooms.

"I need to go home," Nizzle moaned, as she slumped down on the couch. Since the Birthday Girl had hit the wall, AP and Grant helped carry her the two blocks to her apartment.

While Barla talked with a club employee, Philly Matt and I sat in the corner, holding hands. He put his other hand on my face and turned my head toward him, planting the sweetest, softest kiss on my lips. (There were 15 other people in the room at the time and I had absolutely no idea what they were doing or saying.) When our mouths parted a few minutes later, I had a huge smile on my face and leaned back to rest my head on Matt's chest.

It was past 3am by the time the boys got paid. Barla and AP were craving pizza, but the closest place that was open at that hour was on the South Side of town. As we walked to Philly Matt's SUV, the girls chanted, "Pizza, pizza."

Five minutes later, there was something else on their minds, as the chants turned to "Pee pee, pee pee." Matt and Grant were true gentlemen, despite the fact that my friends acted like the girl version of Beavis and Butt-head. We arrived at the pizza place to find several guys taking off their jackets (no clue why) and shoving each other.

"Somebody's gonna get shot!" Barla exclaimed, as Matt ushered us quietly inside the pizzeria before anyone heard us.

Once inside, the girls were understandably disappointed that there were no public bathrooms inside. (Seriously! What kind of neighborhood is this?) They both wanted some pepperoni pizza, but a huge sign above the counter said:

Plain Pizza Only!

(Again…what kind of place is this?)

I tried my best to calmly explain to my friends that there was no pepperoni, until one of my girls screamed,

"Who do I have to blow to get some pepperoni around here?"

You could've heard a pin drop in that pizzeria, even though it was packed with patrons. One employee even stopped what he was doing to raise his hand. (Can't blame a guy for trying.) Matt kept us focused, though, moving us forward through the line to order our plain slices.

We downed the pizza in the car on the ride back to the hotel. When we got back to our room, the guys each took one of the chairs and I sat on the bed closest to them. Even though there was another bed, my friends proceeded to jump on me and pet my boobs. I laughed at their antics since it was hysterical, but I also tried to keep getting to know the guys. (Matt was incredibly nice, handsome and a great kisser. I wanted to know more!)

"How old are you guys?" I asked. Matt replied that he was 36, and Grant that he was 35.

"PIG!!! COCK!!!" AP exclaimed.

The guys just stared at her, as I tried to translate,

"What my inebriated Asian friend is trying to say is, 'How interesting Grant that you were born in the Year of the Pig, and you, Matt, were born in the Year of the Rooster! Chinese astrology is fascinating!'"

The guys and I continued talking as AP and Barla started to fall asleep. It turned out that Matt has two children.

"How old are they?" I inquired.

"6 and 10," he replied.

The girls awoke, and one of them screamed, "You have 10 kids???"

I clarified the situation for them and they closed their eyes again. (Note that they were still sleeping on top of my boobs at the time.)

The girls finally passed out for good, as I walked Matt and Grant to the elevator bay. Grant said goodbye to me, and I thanked him for taking such good care of my girls. He told Matt that he would meet him downstairs, which I later learned was code for "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

When Grant got in an elevator, Philly Matt kissed me again. For over two hours, we stood in the elevator bay, making out like we were in high school. Our kisses got more and more passionate, as he grabbed under my sweater and I put my hands between his jeans and briefes. You know those kisses that make a guy hard and a girl wet? This was one of those. On a scale of 1 to 10, his kisses were an 11!

Matt and I only came up for air when we heard the elevator stop or someone rolling their suitcase down the hall. We finally said goodbye at 6:30am(!), exchanging numbers and one last kiss.

I fell asleep with a smile on my face. That smile got bigger as I received a text from Philly Matt several hours later on the ride home:

It was wonderful spending time with you this weekend. I hope to see you soon, and I'll call you during the week.

I still loved Baseball Boy and was thrilled that he was moving back to DC, but there was something about Philly Matt. Hmm…

* I have worked with rape victims and don't intend this to be insensitive to the horrifying pain and sadness that they have endured. I merely mention this to support both how drunk my friends were and how cool Philly Matt is.

Next Posts: From a high to the lowest of lows with Baseball Boy.

City of Brotherly Love

2005

For the last weekend in April, my friends and I headed to Philly to join our girl, Nizzle, for her birthday. The plan was for eight of the guys and girls from our group to spend the weekend up in Philadelphia with the Birthday Girl, but work and health stuff brought the number down to three girls (me, Barla and AP). I obviously don't wish ankle sprains, merger negotiations, and the flu on my friends, but this Girls' Weekend was one of my favorite getaways ever. You know those times when you laugh so hard that your stomach hurts. Well, that happened the entire weekend.

We arrived in Philly long after the sun had set. After checking into our hotel in Olde City, we barhopped for a bit until we decided that we wanted to dance. As we walked down an alley toward a club, I saw a fine black man outside and said to my girls, "Talk about the City of Brotherly Love!"

We headed inside Club 27. Even though the music was good, there was barely anyone there. We weren't sure if we should stay, but we figured that we would get a table and have at least one round.

Nizzle had quite a few shots in her by this point and jumped up on the seat to start dancing. It was her birthday weekend, though. Who were we to stop her?

The handsome black man from outside approached our table and said,

"Hi ladies. Welcome to Club 27. Are you having a good time tonight?"

"Yes! Definitely!" Barla replied.

We all talked for a few minutes and learned that his name was Matt. Philly Matt worked at Club 27 on Thursdays and Saturdays when the club was packed and the upstairs was opened up for dancing.

"I'll give you a tour later if you'd like. Tonight's not the best night to come here for dancing, but some more people will show up in an hour or so," Philly Matt explained. "Have you been here before?"

"No. It's our friend's birthday so we came up from DC to celebrate with her," I replied as I pointed to Nizzle.

"Oh, Happy Birthday! Well if it's your birthday, then let me by you all a round of shots! I'll be right back with some buttery nipples," he kindly offered.

I tried to stop him to tell him that I don't drink and order a soda in lieu of a shot, but he was already off to the bar. I followed him in the hopes of saving his money and the club's alcohol supply.

"Hey! I just wanted to let you know that I don't drink, but I hope that you'll do my shot for me since I would hate for a buttery nipple to go to waste," I informed him, as I put my arms around him from behind and rubbed his nipples over his shirt until they became hard.

(Yes, folks, I had met this man less than 10 minutes ago and I was already rubbing his nipples! This is still something that Philly Matt and I joke about to this day. He said that he knew from that moment that he had "a live one on his hands!")

The drinks continued to flow, and our groups merged on the dance floor. Because the place wasn't that packed, we had a lot of the floor all to ourselves. There were a lot of moments when my girlfriends' heads were between my boobs, legs were in the air, and booties were getting slapped. We had a blast!

Before the club closed for the night, Philly Matt gave us the grand tour. As he was talking, I couldn't stop staring at his smile. It could light up a room! He also had an amazing body. I wasn't looking to meet a guy in Philly (especially since Basketball Boy was moving back to DC in June), but I couldn't deny that I was attracted to Matt.

After seeing the upstairs dance floor with a platform overhead, Nizzle decided to add Club 27 to her official Birthday Party itinerary the following night. As we walked out of the club, Philly Matt and I gave each other a big hug and I kissed him on the cheek.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'm counting on it," he replied.