07.16.09
The perfect guy…almost
Google revealed that Safeway Guy was married. But, what if the bio that I had found online was out-of-date? He and I had such an amazing connection when we first met that I wondered (or was it hoped?) if he was single — or at least separated.
I had to find out so I decided to meet Safeway Guy for coffee yesterday as planned. I tried to remind myself that even if he was off the dating market, he was definitely a great professional contact.
I met him for coffee in the complex where I live and he works (at least until his company moves offices at the end of the week). He had said that it was okay if I brought my dog so I did. Safeway Guy and I had a perfect coffee date, but if he’s married, was it a date?
He insisted on paying and getting me a little something to eat in case I was hungry. He was wonderful with my very shy rescue dog. It was so easy to talk to Safeway Guy about my thesis and former clients since he works in a related field. And, he confided in me about a delicate professional matter with which he was dealing. If we could have stayed at the coffee shop all day, we probably would have!
I kept waiting for him to bring up something about his family, but he didn’t. I guess I can’t blame him, but he was so seemingly perfect that I found myself hoping that the bio I had found online was wrong.
As we walked back to his office, he mentioned that he wished his offices weren’t moving because he loves Foggy Bottom. The only bright size to the move is that his commute will be shorter from his home in Potomac.
“So, do you live with your family in Potomac?” I inquired, trying to be smooth.
“Yeah…I need to go to the bank. Do you want to walk up that way with me? I don’t think they will allow your dog to come inside,” he commented.
Wow! He dodged that question like it was a bullet! We hugged and kissed on the cheek goodbye, as he booked it into the bank. I guess he answered the question…sort of. But, I had hoped for a definitive,
“Yes, I live with my wife and two kids in Potomac. She and I are happily married, and you and I can be professional contacts or platonic friends, but that’s it.”
I continued walking with my dog, arriving back to my apartment 20 minutes later. In that short time, Safeway Guy had already sent me an e-mail! In the e-mail, he wrote that seeing me was the best part of his hectic day and that he looks forward to taking me out for a more relaxed lunch. And, if I’m being honest with myself, I’m looking forward to having lunch with him, too. Throughout the afternoon, we sent each other several more e-mails before his Internet service was disconnected.
A part of me wanted to believe that Safeway Guy wasn’t still with his wife since he didn’t fully answer my question. He and I aren’t friends on Facebook, but he has a profile. The bio that I had found online the day before noted his wife’s first name. I scrolled through his friends’ list and found his wife’s profile. Her profile pic features a photograph of their smiling family. So, I have my answer.
Am I tempting fate just by being friends with him? Is the fact that we have so much in common personally and professionally an asset as we try to build a friendship or just too risky?
I wonder if it’s possible for me to have a healthy friendship with a married guy. Normally, I would say “yes,” but the fact that we are both clearly attracted to each other worries me. I know that I won’t have an affair with a married man again, but is this destined to end badly?
Next time, I’m going to Trader Joe’s. Shopping there is much less complicated :p.
April said,
July 16, 2009 at 8:16 pm
I always read your blog but never comment. I just wanted to tell you that I love your stories and your exciting life! Don’t stop writing or telling us about it! haha. What a jerk going behind his wife and doing that. Just remember if he’s a cheater he always will be a cheater whether it is with you or anyone else. Not your fault at all!
VAMMD said,
July 16, 2009 at 8:50 pm
This is my first comment and my one cent. There may be a wife, but as I’ve seen, there could be so much more to the marriage that meets the eye. Either this guy is a cheater (worse yet, a habitual cheater), or he’s a sincere person who does not look outside of his marriage (but is terribly unhappy and missing something) until someone comes along to make him realize how much he is missing. If a man has a concious, it will not be an easy thing to end a marriage that he made promises and committments to, and sometimes it’s far easier emotionally and financially to keep and maintain a “happy” front. I don’t believe that once a cheater he’s always a cheater. That’s just hogwash. It really depends on the man and what he was looking for and why.
Can you have a healthy friendship? No. Why? Because you are mutually attracted, and with that comes curiosity, and with THAT comes an aching desire to play “what it”. There will be no way to fight it, and neither one of you will because the chemistry will feel too good.
Best thing to do? Whatever you both are comfortable with–AFTER you’ve laid all the cards on the table.
Whew. I can’t believe I wrote that much….
VAMMD said,
July 16, 2009 at 8:58 pm
And I should slow down when I type so I’ll have fewer typos. Sorry.
mixedguy25 said,
July 17, 2009 at 10:41 am
I dont think its possible, I would avoid him like the plague (if he is really married). Especially if you already detect attraction. Just cause you wont go there now, doesnt mean you wont have a moment of weakness later. (and guys are always looking for that moment of weakness)
imerika said,
July 17, 2009 at 5:07 pm
I just wrote a long email to my friend who wonders whether she could forge ahead with this guy who has a girlfriend but is obviously into my friend as well. I told her, if he’s not in love with her, it’s a green light. BUT any other circumstances–as in if she really wants a relationship and not just a fuck buddy–then close that door before he even gets his foot in.
If a guy is willing to cheat on his wife, he’s willing to cheat on the woman he’s cheating with. I don’t think I could really respect a man who doesn’t respect his own vows. And I also don’t think I would want to be responsibile for ruining a family, should the wife ever find out.
You’ll definitely be playing with fire if you pursue something under the guise of a friendship with Safeway Guy. But hey…we all know the burn feels good, huh? : P
citygirlblogs said,
July 20, 2009 at 10:13 am
Thanks for all the comments, guys!
We know I’ve made some risky relationship choices in the past, but the kids thing is the biggest reason for a red light. I’m actually glad that Safeway Guy will no longer be working near me since that takes the constant temptation out of the way.
(I also met an amazing guy, JAG Man, who works in the same complex on Thursday. If Safeway Guy was still here, that would get very complicated!)
Safeway Guy hasn’t done anything beyond flirting so I’ll go out for coffee or something with him again to confirm what appears to be true. After that, I think what MixedGuy25 said comes into play. If we both are attracted to each other, then a truly platonic friendship won’t stay that way for long.